Legs. They're heavy. When you actually can feel them as part of your body. I'm not sure if this is an issue for many people, since many people do reside primarily in their heads, cut off from their bodies, or if it's only an issue for those of us who have temporarily or permanently lost a sense of connection due to shock or damage from injury or surgery.
This is Day 2 of my legs feeling heavy. I've felt this before, but it comes and goes. I wonder if this time my legs are here to stay. They do feel heavier than ever before. Too heavy to go for a run. Too heavy to dance. But they also want to be used. They want to walk. They tell me they'll run and dance again soon, possibly even tomorrow. They tell me there's no rush. They're reconnecting. Give them, give me, a rest.
So I sit here resting, recovering from yesterday's EMDR session. It was my first. Powerful and intense are the first two words that come to mind. And although part of me wants so badly to share right now, I don't think I'm ready to share publicly about what happened in that session. At least not all of it. But I have started writing about all of it privately, and was even motivated to get back to using dictation; it's such a great way to get the thoughts out of my head, especially while driving.
So what can I share here and now? Without getting into why I decided to start EMDR or what it entails (click on link above for some info on EMDR), I'll just say that one of the scenes that came up was me sitting in the car, waiting for help, when I couldn't feel or move my legs, terrified that I was paralyzed and screaming my head off while also holding myself up so that I wouldn't remain doubled over my lap belt. As I sat with this image, I felt surprisingly calm; interesting that this was one of the most calm parts of the session considering that during the accident this is when I was most hysterical, possibly even more so than when I'd been screaming at the driver to slow down or stop the car and contemplating jumping out when he wouldn't listen. (I know, this almost isn't fair for people who don't know the whole story, but it's all I can offer right now). Back to the session...
Emotionally calm with this image, but physically, a lot was happening. I felt my lower back waking up, at the level of fracture/fusion. I experienced some electrical currents, some twitches. It was as if the nerves were healing and my legs were being called back to my body. It was a chance to tell myself that I can feel and move my legs. And it was a chance to believe it on a cellular level.
I'd worked with this in SomatoEmotional Release sessions, Continuum, and probably another modality or two. Even just through grounding by running energy and breathing. Affirmations. Verbal deprogramming and reprogramming. Etcetera. But this feels different. And, for now, I'll leave it at that.
I think it's time to wrap this up, even though it's tempting to go on about my legs or legs in general, or how I'm having a similar experience with feeling what it's like to have a lower abdomen. I realized in session that I haven't really felt it since the lap belt injury. And that is way more of a trip than this leg thing! Both the feeling I'm experiencing and the realization about the lack of past feeling. But that is a whole other entry, a whole other chapter really.
To be continued.....
And for those of you who are curious, here are some links to other relevant entries I've posted over the years:
http://rebeccacliogould.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-night-i-almost-died.html
http://rebeccacliogould.blogspot.com/2009/10/do-you-see-what-i-see.html
http://rebeccacliogould.blogspot.com/2010/02/coming-back-to-me.html
http://returntothetao.blogspot.com/2010/02/exit-wound.html
© 2013 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.
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