Do you see what I see?

Do you see what I see?

Do you see my scar?

Do you see the horrific images I see, the memories of riding in, and crashing in, that car?

For most of my life I couldn’t see beyond the scars. I couldn’t look at my body with love and acceptance. But that started before the accident. That started with some of the kids I went to school with who told me I was fat. Looking back, I wasn’t. At least not at first. But I sure did become so, for several years. And then, right when I was getting in shape, BAM! Car wreck. Body wrecked. Injuries. Surgeries. Disconnected. Not wanting to see. Unable to feel.

It’s not until 10 years later that I start getting back into my body. I left it the night of the accident. More than once. And continued this for years. Coming and going, but mostly going and rarely coming back in fully and deeply enough to stay and heal all that needed to be healed.

Sheng Zhen Qigong started getting me moving more, opening my heart, healing the disconnection. Feeling happy, so disgustingly happy for the first time in years.

Continuum Movement came next, bringing me more and more into my body, waking it up more and more. More to feel. More to experience. More to discover. More to release. More fully alive.

And then Ecstatic Dance comes into my life. It came so recently, but feels like a lifetime ago. So much more has opened up, shifted, changed. For the better. The best time in my life is now.

And so this past summer, the summer before my thirtieth birthday, it finally happens. I see myself without my scar. Instead of a scar, I see a tree with a snake wrapped around it. It’s been painted, or rather magic markered on me. And this body art, this drawing allows me, for the first time in 13 years, to see myself without my scar. For the first time in my life, the sight of my body makes me jump up and down and fill with glee.

And then something else happens. I see beyond the tree and the snake. I see my scar. I see me. And although I don’t jump up and down, I do smile. I see the beauty. I feel at peace.

I’m sick of hiding and covering up and over-protecting this body of mine. It’s time to let it all hang out, so to speak. Time to release this captive body. Time to release the stories as well, which is partially why I’m sharing this picture and this part of my story here. And this little piece of writing doesn’t even do justice to this story-- it’s just the tip of the iceberg….There’s so much more to it. Not just in terms of my own story(ies), but in terms of trauma and body image and society and the body and sexuality and love and self-acceptance and on and on…..

Book in progress...

….yes, 200+ pages already written….So close to finishing, yet so far away…..It’s tempting to stay home all weekend and write and edit and edit and write. But I’m off to Seattle again to celebrate my body. Body Electric workshop, here I come!

© 2009 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.