Facing Fears

In addition to being on a cancellation/lightening-up spree, I seem to be on a fear-facing/conquering spree. Actually, maybe they go together.

It seems to me that sometimes fear is useful for survival, but most fear seems to be useless. Takes away from life, rather than saving life.

And, actually, when it comes to some water/swimming-related fears, not conquering them could be deadly. So I've been going to the swimming pool once or twice a week. Improving my swimming skills. Learning to get more comfortable in the water. Learning how to breathe, how to trust, how to relax into it, how to feel safe in my body, safe in the water.

I've known how to swim for years, but I never jump in, and would hate to fall in or get pushed in out of fear that I'd panic underwater and breathe in water. A few months ago I decided I need to learn to jump in so that I can fall in. And so I can jump in, because it's always looked like so much fun. And so far I've gotten much more comfortable in the water, got the breathing down. But still not ready to jump in.

So last week it was time to work on the eyes. Eventually I want to be able to open my eyes under water. But last week was time to start using goggles. So far I'd just been keeping my eyes closed, or my eyes out of the water.

Well, last week I put on my goggles and was shocked by what I discovered. Previously my alarm-state seemed to kick into gear as soon as I'd HEAR my breathing underwater. Not so much anymore. But last week, when I put on goggles for the first time, I decided to shut my eyes while bobbing down even though I had the goggles on. And when I was under water and opened my eyes, and SAW that I was underwater, I freaked out. Had to come up right away. It reminded me of when I had my pupils dilated, and something about my vagus nerve-- I don't know.

Anyway, soon after I came up for air I calmed down. And then I laughed at myself, as I psychoanalyzed it as that I had just relived some birthing trauma. Not that I was born in water. But still, it made sense to me. Being in the dark (eyes shut), in the water (like amniotic fluid), and then suddenly brightness when I opened my eyes (like being born into a bright hospital room!). Yikes!

Ha!

So I kept at it. Bobbing down with my goggles, eyes open, until I felt totally comfortable with it. It felt so good to face that fear, that deep internal feeling of fear. Not even a mental fear. A bodily one. Overcome. Hooray!

I think I'll be ready to jump in by August. Maybe sooner. And after that? What's on the list?

Learning to ride a bike. I'm not afraid of riding. I'm just afraid of falling, and a little embarrassed that I don't know how to ride a bike! Not for long though.....

That's all for now, other than possibly getting a colonic (scary!) in September. But that's a whole other blog entry! Which reminds me, I never did write that Church of Me one....Well, it looks like I've got a little backlog of blog entries to crank out.

Or not....

:)