My First Bikini

A few days ago I bought my very first bikini. Now, if you know that for the past few years i sometimes daydream about a clothing optional world, or at least spending more time at nudist camps (see "Did I forget to wear pants again"-- can't link to it when posting from iPhone...) then this may come as a surprise. But the bigger surprise is what I discovered this morning: the magic of the bikini.

Yesterday morning I went out to the beach just before sunrise, in my new swim wear for the very first time-- oh, first I better describe it even though I'll probably post a picture too.

I found it in a small shop down the road from Present Moment. I'd been told not to bother looking in town, that the selection was overpriced. Apparently whoever said that had not been to this shop. I paid 180 pesos, which is $14, for this bikini that's mostly bright red with a light blue border and the union jack (u.k. Flag) on the left breast! And across my sacrum runs the word ENGLAND in big white letters. Ha! I loved it! I prayed it would fit, and it did. It reminded me of advice a friend once gave me about international travel: put a Canadian flag patch on your bag; pretend you're not from the u.s. I never followed that advice, and this says "England," not Canada, but still it reminded me of that and made me smile.

So, back to the beach.... and the magic....

After a little jog that kept getting interrupted by taking pictures of sunrise and pelicans, and readjusting my top so that I wouldn't keep popping out of it, I braved the ocean. And I use the word "braved" not only because I'm not super comfortable in the ocean and have a mixture of rational and irrational fears, but because I felt brave. More courageous. More comfortable. More at ease. With more skin in contact with the water, I just felt more at home. It was like heaven. It was like returning home.

I found myself wondering if wearing one pieces or tankinis had been cutting me off from having more natural instincts in, and affinity for, the ocean. That extra, and synthetic, fabric over my belly blocking the Qi? Perhaps. And/or maybe I was influenced by something Osho said.

Over the past week I've listened to over a dozen hours of his recordings on "Tantra: The Supreme Understanding." They came pre-loaded on my Supreme Science Qigong instructor iPod, and I hadn't listened to them in entirety yet. But now I have, while swinging in a hammock each night. And one thing Osho said was that the body is mostly seawater, and when we're in the womb we are sea creatures.

That really resonated with me. And I couldn't wait to get back in the water after hearing that. So perhaps it was a combination of more bare skin and this reminder that I started out as a creature of the sea and still contain an ocean within me.

And as I remembered back to my time with the dolphins and the bioaquatic therapy in August, my body loosened up and relaxed even more. And as i watched the pelicans float right over some waves, totally undisturbed, i learned from them. And instead of being a bit startled or jolted by the waves or retreating towards the shore as per usual, I started swimming towards the waves, wanting more. Good thing too since today I have a surfing lesson! Something I thought I'd never do. In fact, a few days before scheduling it I very clearly stated to myself that being out in the ocean attached to a board with waves crashing down around me was, was, beyond words, but something dreadful! A bunch of the guests at Present Moment were raving about their surfing lessons. But it was something I certainly didn't need to experience. Something I'd never do.

And then, as has been known to happen sometimes when I make such strong statements of preference regarding something I don't like or don't want, something shifts. Not always, but sometimes. Like this time. And like with "being a runner." I soften. I open to the possibility. I try it on. I face my fears. I stop resisting. I say yes.

 

© 2013 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

Reunited with One of My First Loves

I've taken up painting again, and unlike running, it's not premature to say I've "taken it up." This time i'm painting with watercolors rather than acrylics. It makes so much more sense for someone who travels and moves around a lot. What's taken me so long to discover, or rather to re-discover, the joy and ease of painting with watercolors? I absolutely love it, and I remember loving it in preschool as well, painting rainbows and flowers and houses and stick figures to my heart's content!

The last time I used water colors must've been as a child. If there's been a time between then and now, I don't remember it. My mom paints with acrylics, so that's what I had access to growing up, and dabbled in painting on and off over the years. Mostly abstract, or sky-scapes with evergreen trees or mountains. Nothing too complicated or detailed or realistic. Although I did start drawing with pencil a baby in a womb on an oval-shaped canvas once, but never did start painting it. The drawing was so surprisingly good, for someone who "can't" draw, that i didn't want to ruin it! I think now I'll gladly ruin it next time I'm in Seattle. I'm brave enough now. I'm ready. To either ruin it or to surprise myself with a completed painting.

That will require some precision, and acrylics. So until then I'll delight in the playful and easy ways of water colors. It really does feel like playing, with color. With creativity. With imagination. With flow.

I started out wanting to paint the sunset over the ocean. "but how?" I asked myself. "just start," I answered. "it can be abstract, an impression, if you don't *figure it out.*"

And so I started. With blues and purples, the sea merging into the sky. And then came a metallic peachy sort of color, and then metallic pink. And then splashes of metallic light blue. I have a traditional set of solid colors as well as a set full of metallic colors that create an iridescent effect; I love them! I've always had a thing for the iridescent, metallic, and interference color acrylics. Now I get to experience them in water colors. :) Yay!

Speaking of water, that's what came next-- experimenting with adding more water to the whole thing, which resulted in some blending of the colors, as well as creating a cloudy effect in the sky. Not sure if I'll do more with this first one, like attempting to add waves to make it more like the ocean. I like it how it is, although it does seem to be missing something, so maybe I'll return to it...

But first I will complete my 2nd painting! It's of the red couch on my balcony with green palms and other foliage around it. Reds, yellows,greens, and browns. I can hardly wait to get back to it. Speaking of which, it's almost time...

 

© 2013 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

What makes a runner a runner?

A runner is one who runs, right? Does it need to be regularly? Or for a certain length of time? Are special shoes needed? I don't know. But I've taken up running. Or perhaps it's premature to say I've taken it up. I did go for a run two mornings ago and again this morning. Today maybe just5- 10 minutes, maybe 15. The other day was more like 20. I think.... With no way to keep track of time, it's hard to say. Could have been half an hour. But more likely less time rather than more. The sound of the ocean distorts my concept of time. Especially during sunset or sunrise. Such things can neither be rushed nor predicted. Mostly time seems to slow down here, a minute is like five. But sometimes five minutes are like one. Gone in a flash.

So, running on the beach? I'm not keeping track of time; that would be impossible, or at least impractical. Plus, getting in a certain number of minutes isn't really the point, at least not now. Now it's more about the experience, and pushing my comfort zone, expanding my world, with the added benefit of getting my heart rate up and getting in better shape. Mostly though there's just something about the beach that says "Run on me! Barefoot! Early in the morning! Before you're awake enough to say 'but I'm not a runner.'"

Or perhaps that's the time I'm most awake. Before the mind takes over. Before I limit myself with definitions, evaluations, perceptions based on the past, etcetera.... Perhaps I *am* a runner.

No, I dislike that label just as much as the "not a runner" label. Let's just say I'm open to what life presents, and saying yes more than no, and this week life nudged me towards running on the beach. So i said, "yes! i'll try that on, thank you very much."

We'll see if it continues. So far i like it, even though I'm terribly sore. Maybe a non-runner taking up running barefoot in the sand isn't the best way to ease into running? Is there a rule, like how pregnant women shouldn't run unless they were already runners? Non-runners shouldn't start off on sand?

I suppose it doesn't matter. I'm doing it. It feels right and good. And a little soreness just might be good for me; I used to avoid it like the plague, no thanks to seemingly chronic aches and pains after the car accident in '96. Running on the beach today I thought about how for so many years I was so over-protective of my body and wouldn't push myself physically if it was uncomfortable or would result in more aches and pains. I realized some time ago that that approach was really more damaging than helpful.

I still don't like bodywork that results in pain, but more and more recently I've felt a natural inclination, not forced or to meet some unrealistic health goal, just a natural drive for more strenuous activity. Just really wanting to move more and more, and challenge myself; I want to feel and be as limitless as possible. I suppose there's a desire too to be as fit and healthy as I can be, without being fanatical about it. This natural urge, rather than a something-I-should-do type of feeling is so refreshing. I first noticed it manifest as calling to teach Sheng Zhen in 2006, and then the desire to dance more and more in 2009, and then actual physical yearning for more yoga in 2011. And now? Running on the beach!? Yes. At least for now.

Oh, and speaking of yoga, part of my soreness today is from running, but part of it is from yesterday's two hour yoga class (typical length here at Present Moment, thanks to super long shivassana).

I pushed myself. Mindfully so. So as not to get injured. And for the first time in months (or possible ever?) my heels touched the ground in downward dog. I could hardly believe it. I've noticed a really gradual but significant increase in flexibility and strength over the past couple of years, thanks to yoga, but barely any improvement in my hamstrings. Until yesterday! I celebrated by spending the majority if the next several hours reading in a hammock by the ocean.

Today will be similar, in terms of reading in a hammock, but today I'll also swim. It's my day off (yesterday was too, other than teaching). And tomorrow it's back to work!

That's all for now. I have more to share but still find that only having an iPhone to type on deters me from sharing-- sharing and writing is something I "wrote" about in my head this morning, as was the ocean and fears, and dancing with my shadow (literally, though I'd likely get metaphorical too if I really started writing about it....) So, perhaps I'll get to those another time.... Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. Isn't that a song?

 

© 2013 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

Arriving at Present Moment

I live across the street from the ocean and hear it all night long. The past two nights I've slept at least 10 hours, having one vivid dream after another. The sound of the waves crashing down and rolling in is relentless, never-ending. Dozens of pelicans fly by throughout the day, sometimes in formation, sometimes not, sometimes surfing the waves, sometimes dive-bombing. Horses walk by a couple times a day. The backdrop is lush green hills. There's a nice breeze to balance our the warm temperature. The ocean is relatively warm. My kitchen is outside. Many structures here are not fully enclosed.

I arrived two days ago. Joe picked me up at the ZIH airport. I'll be filling in for him at this retreat center, Present Moment, in Troncones. After stopping at a store to search for razor blades and coconut oil, two things I couldn't pack without checking a bag (which I did not) we were on our way, with just one more stop along the side of the road. Cocos Frios, fresh coconut water directly from the coconut.

I started to feel excited about the coming weeks. I'd known for months this was something to be excited about, but to honest, I didn't authentically feel it. I'd been so wrapped up in settling into Austin, working with Master Li, and writing my own books, that it almost didn't feel real to me that I was leaving until that car ride with Joe. Maybe that's a good thing, or neither good nor bad. Just was what it was, is what it is. And now I'm here.

And without a laptop.

Yes, no laptop. Instead, two empty notebooks, pens, an iPhone and iPod touch, a print out of my poetry project to work on editing, and water colors. And books, the paper kind and the audio kind. I'll be relearning Spanish and listening to some Osho, at the least. I also got this really strong urge to learn French upon hearing it spoken yesterday. Why not?! It's easy to learn more than one Romance language at a time. And I have declared 2013 as a year for more romance, among other things, so perhaps I will. And it turns out there's a little library here at Present Moment, and some of the books here are just begging to be read. So i'll be plenty busy. With all of that in my free time, if i so choose, plus working full time-- Teaching qigong 6 days a week and offering massage and craniosacral 5 days a week.

What else can I say for now? It's not so easy writing a blog entry on an iPhone, so perhaps no more from now on, or just shorter bursts of inspiration to share?

Speaking of which, my first night here was amazing. Joe and I went to the beach just in time for sunset. And just as I was saying something about not having my camera, thirty-something pelicans flew over us, and relatively low. And then I went in the ocean for the first time since bioaquatic therapy and the dolphins in August. It felt good to be reunited. And the sunset was possibly the most majestic I've ever seen. Perhaps I can find the words to describe it another time. I wrote poem after poem in my head about it, and about the ocean. But now it's getting dark and it's time for me to go. There's so much more to share though! Like meeting the other wellness staff, and the sweet waitress who will help me with my Spanish, and my first meal of posole, tamale and even, shhhhhhh don't tell, chicharones! And a cerveza-- what is it about Mexico that makes beer so appealing? Perhaps more on that too, another time. Perhaps... We shall see; like I said before, blogging from an iPhone is challenging...

And now? There's music at Present Moment tonight! So it's time to get cleaned up after a long day of lounging, swimming, yoga, qigong, and reading. What a life! ;) i am grateful. And looking forward to dancing the night away, assuming it's good music. And if not, I just might have to take my iPod out to the beach and dance under the stars. Tomorrow Joe leaves, and I start work. Mañana mañana... This is gonna be good. It is.

 

© 2013 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

beautiful creature

i'm a beautiful creature
and don't you forget that
you're a beautiful creature too
and nothing can change that
not even you
and your tendency to think that
you've strayed from the truth
and you know better
and you've been better
and you are better
than this
illusion of anything less than
being this beautiful you




© 2013 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.