Faith

After an amazing week at Esalen, I felt some sadness as I let the water drain out of the tub on Monday morning. I'd be leaving that day. And part of me wanted to stay. I couldn't bare the thought of needing to wear a bathing suit to go swimming! HA! I wondered if Heartwood was open or if I would feel comfortable at Harbin. I considered going up to the Esalen office, and asking to stay another night as a personal retreater, but no. I didn't want to. I felt very clear that I was ready to leave, ready to get back on the road, not knowing where I'd go next other than that I'd be driving north.

After lunch I thought about taking one final soak in the tubs. I'd said my goodbyes. And my bags were in my car. But I decided to hit the road. It was time to go. Time to see where the day would take me. I felt a little separation anxiety about leaving. And a little nervous about not knowing where I'd be going. And just as I was walking to my car, Faith arrived.

She worked at Esalen but had been gone all week. I knew her through a mutual friend, Word. I was planning to call him from the road to let him know I was around and to see if we could meet up. I asked her if she knew where he was, if he was in Monterey or the Bay area.

"Oh, I just saw him. He's working at Cornucopia right now in Carmel. He'll be there until 7."

"Really?!?" Carmel was just 45 minutes away. And I loved the idea of surprising him. Just showing up in this little health food store without any warning. He didn't even know I was at Esalen, unless he'd seen my Facebook status!

So I asked Faith for directions, and I was on my way.

As soon as I walked through the door, we saw each other. It was so good to see him. As we hugged, I felt so comforted by his familiar smell. My dear, dear friend. And teacher.

He said that after work he'd be going down to Esalen as Faith's guest. I wanted to be back at Esalen with Word!

He said I could go back, that he was getting off work at 4 and that Faith could probably add me to the guest list too. There was no way to contact her or know if that would work out ahead of time. But we could at least enjoy a drive together. I told Word I needed to go outside and check in with myself about whether or not I really wanted to go back. But when I went outside, instead of "checking in with myself," I found myself just making phone calls to let a few people know that I was going back.

The drive back took about an hour, and I must have been smiling the whole time. It felt so good to share my new self with an old friend.

It felt so good to not even care if I wouldn't actually be able to stay another night as a guest, to just enjoy being in the present. In the past I would have dreaded the thought of all that extra driving, especially without knowing for sure if I could stay or where I'd be staying. None of that mattered though. Being in the car with Word, with no expectation or agenda, was all that mattered.

Right before getting to Esalen, Word told me to turn left.

"We can't go on the property until tomorrow. This is where Faith lives. I guess I didn't mention that before."

I was surprised. I was surprised that I was NOT disappointed or irritated. Hallelujuah!

Faith wasn't home, but we were welcome at her place. We snuggled up, took a nap, and then sang and danced to Erykah Badu, Frank Sinatra, and Michael Jackson.

It

was

so

much

fun!

"I feel like I could live here," I told Word, feeling so at home and happy.

"You do live here. You are living here."

"Yes, that's true. I am living. Living wherever I am, in the moment. Finally!"

Eventually we went next door for a birthday party. Faith still wasn't home, and Word said that if she didn't put me on the guest list by midnight, I wouldn't be allowed on Esalen property the next day. But I wasn't worried. "Faith may not be home, but faith is right here, inside of me!" I joked with Word.

But it was true. I did have faith. I felt so much trust in the mystery and the unknown.

And when Faith showed up before midnight and asked if I wanted to spend the next day at Esalen, I said "No."

I was somewhat surprised. What had happened to my ideas about going back on property for another soak and swim and more yummy food? What had happened was that I was getting better and better at freeing myself from my ideas and thoughts. Getting better at listening to my gut. And my gut said to get back on the road in the morning, that this time near Esalen with Word and the Esalen staff was enough.

Faith asked if I was sure. For a split second I questioned myself, and then I questioned her, "Are you calling the gate now? Do you need to know now?"

"Yes, I need to know right now," she said firmly.

And looking Faith in the eyes, I firmly replied, "Yes, I'm sure. Save your guest pass for someone else."

I slept well that night, on Faith's couch. And I woke up the next day excited for the unknown adventure ahead.

© 2009 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

Jumping in

I did it! I did it! I jumped into the water.

This is a big deal.

I haven't jumped in since I was 9 or 10. And jumping in again was on my list of things to do before turning 30 in September.

I'm not quite ready to cross it off my list though. I still need to FULLY jump in. I'm at a hotel in Ashland, Oregon, and I went down for a swim. Nobody was around, so I thought now might be a good time to practice jumping in.

First I just climbed up the ladder, and before getting out completely, let myself fall into the water. No problem. After a few times, I got out of the water completely and let myself fall into the water from somewhat of a squatting position. I was surprised by how easy it was. I was surprised that I did not feel any panic.

In the past, one thing that would happen was a panic response when water would get into my ears. I thought it was psychological, but my mom recently told me that it's not purely psychological, something about my anatomy and finding out that there was something going on with my left ear when I was a baby. But maybe that physical "defect" got worked out through all the CranioSacral therapy I've been receiving? Who knows; I'm just glad it didn't interfere with my experience today. And maybe it will never be a problem again.

Now, back to jumping in. So after a few more times of sort of dropping into the water. I actually stood up and jumped in.

It felt wonderful. I felt this great sense of accomplishment and liberation. Liberation from my silly fears and hesitations.
The body knows what to do. It's the mind that gets in the way.

Next, I need a deeper pool so I can REALLY jump in. And then an open body of water instead of a contained swimming pool? And then what about DIVING in? Diving was not on my list, but I would like to work up to that. Maybe it won't even take so long to "work up to." After all, I just jumped in today, and previously I had thought I'd need to take some more swimming lessons. But I didn't need that. I just needed the right time and place, and some privacy, to do it on my own.

© 2009 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.