how to go for a walk in Seattle

This is not about having rain gear, a hoodie, or a cup of coffee and/or cell phone in hand. This is not about keeping your head down, eyes averted, not smiling, listening to your iPod. This is about keeping your head up, making eye contact, and smiling at those you walk by. Perhaps even saying, "hello!"

This morning I went for a walk around Greenlake. I could hear the freeway. Hearing this reminded me of the quiet, the silence, in Anacortes, and how I'll miss it when I move back to Seattle. But I know I can find some quiet spots. And I know now that it's in my best interest to make this move.

But the main thing I noticed and thought about during this walk was that most people I encountered looked very serious, and were looking down or straight ahead. No eye contact. No smiles. No words exchanged. And so after awhile I stopped looking. I stopped smiling. I started looking serious. And downward.

I thought about the walks I take in Anacortes. Always smiling. Open. Saying hello to everyone. So peaceful. So happy. So different from this walk at Greenlake in Seattle.

And then it hit me; it doesn't have to be SO different!

As long as I keep shining my light, my light will keep shining and perhaps create a chain reaction in those who are receptive. Just because people in certain places come across as less open and friendly doesn't mean that I need to close myself off, shut myself down. So what if my smiles and eye contact and "good mornings!" are not received well or at all by the majority of the people I walk by? So what? If I'm going to move back here, I need to remain strong in my sense of happiness and openness. I need to bring the small town attitude back into the big city! Or something like that.

And as I was thinking about this, while walking, my posture straightened up, chin tilted slightly up, eyes opened wider, smile came back onto my face-- and there was a witness. In this moment of transformation, I was witnessed by a stranger. He saw my light turning on and getting brighter. And I saw that it made him smile. I saw his light shine brighter.

Phew!

There is hope.

I can do this.

And so I will.

I will continue going for walks in Seattle as if I were still in Anacortes. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Open-hearted. Smiling. Saying hello. Knowing that not everyone will meet me where I'm at, but knowing that some will. And not only will it keep me feeling good, but I just might unexpectedly brighten somebody else's day. And lord knows we need as much brightness in Seattle as we can get! So let's turn our lights on, wherever we are, and share that light with those around us.

And THAT is how to go for a walk in Seattle.

© 2009 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

an unfamiliar familiar feeling

For the past 7 days I've felt more pain and discomfort in my body than I've felt in years. Thanks to an intense physical therapy session, something shifted, something was disturbed, or unsettled, opened up-- perhaps all for the better-- perhaps not--- My body is experiencing all sorts of aches and pains that weren't there before. And it's no fun. To be quite honest, it's been bringing me down. It's hard to be happy, to feel excited, to see and think clearly, when my body's crying out and all the old traumas and wounds are releasing their energetic holdings.

Over the past few years, since starting my qigong practice, and discovering continuum movement, and dancing more and more, I haven't actually felt as much pain or bodily discomfort as I had previously. Or maybe it just didn't bother me as much emotionally. But this is different. I'm all bent out of shape over it. Perhaps because of the newness. It's not the typical aches and pains. It's deeper. It's old. And it doesn't know what to do.

Last week my craniosacral therapist and I talked to my sacrum. Yes, we talked to my sacrum. Oh, and some scar tissue too. Sacrum presented as a curmudgeonly character who wasn't particularly happy where he had been, but who didn't really like being disturbed either. He (yes, my sacrum seems to be a he, at least last week and, yes, today, he's still a he)-- he knows where he needs to be, and he knows the importance of communicating and cooperating with the other parts of the body, but there's this reluctance. And fear. And also something structural in the way. And that's where scar tissue comes in. Over-protecting. Getting in the way.

Perhaps I just need some more patience. And acceptance. Perhaps I could even be grateful for this reminder of what it's like to live with such a sharp and unsettling type of pain. It's been so long-- not only have I not had such intense pain in a long time, but I've just gotten so accustomed to living with some mild degree of discomfort that I'd sort of forgotten just how distressing it can be. How it can take over.

So for now I'm just going to listen to and obey my body as best I can: Slow down. Stop. Be easy and gentle. Allow movement. No force. Shhhhhh......



© 2009 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

a meaningless what?!

something about the size or format on the previous screen made the title of my blog appear as "a meaningless ho," and that made me laugh.

that's all.

now maybe i'll write about what i was about to write about....


© 2009 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

the word "tolerate"

i don't like it.
after posting that blog entry a little while ago, the whole tolerance and intolerance thing left a bad taste in my mouth.

tolerate means "to put up with." ugh. yuck. that's yucky.
how about "accept" instead?

yeah, if beech helps me tolerate, i don't want it. but it helps me accept, well, that's a good thing.

or am i being too intolerant of this word?

maybe i'm just in denial. maybe putting up with certain things and people is a part of life. but with an attitude adjustment, it wouldn't be "putting up with." it would be something else. something more positive. and why not choose to experience life in a more positive way? it's still important to acknowledge and feel the yuckiness, the negative, the dark, etc. but....hmmmmm.... can you accept something but not put up with it? can you put with something but not accept it? hmmmmm......



© 2009 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

agrimonious beech

packing my bag for a couple of days in seattle, i open up my supplements drawer in the kitchen and take out some bach flower remedies. i have quite a collection, but typically use the same 4-6 on and off, as needed. today i was drawn to one i have rarely used: beech.

beech "helps you to be more tolerant and see the positive in others despite their imperfections." i wondered if i needed a little dose of this. so i figured i'd test it out. but i couldn't open it. i knew i could with pliers. but i decided to take it as a sign: i'm already plenty tolerant and see the positive in others despite their imperfections. in fact, maybe i'm too tolerant-- is that even possible? see? i'm so tolerant that intolerance seems foreign to me, although i suspect that intolerance is a healthy response at times. and, actually, now that i think about it, yes, i am capable of intolerance. it's just that there are some things/people/situations in the grey fuzzy area of "to tolerate or not to tolerate?"

so, perhaps i'd be better off with some agrimony, which "helps you communicate your true feelings rather than hide behind a cheerful face." do i do that? hide behind a cheerful face? probably not. i used to hide behind an uncheerful face. is that a word? but now i wonder if i ever hide behind a cheerful face. probably not. hiding's not my style. at least not consciously. and so if it's not consciously, is it authentic cheerfulness or tolerance and not hiding at all? is it just the mind and the story that develops later that bring out the so-called "true" repressed or suppressed feelings? hmmmmmm......


© 2009 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

come and gone

so many blog entries have come and gone without making it out of my head. it's been a long time since i've posted anything here. and that's ok. i thought i would tonight. but i'm sleepy. and blank. and feeling censored because what i really wanted to write about tonight was all the communications i've been receiving just over the past few days from ex's, and so seemingly out of the blue. ex's as in ex-husband, ex-abstinent-lover, ex-potential-lover, ex-i-don't-know-what-to-call-him, but at least two of them are probably reading this (hi.), so now i don't want to. i just want to curl up in a ball and sleep, wake up not needing to speak, not needing to write back, not questioning what was already written or said, not questioning what will be said or written. just being. clear and open and free and light. and so i will. curl up in a ball and sleep now. wake up tomorrow, sprawled out, arms and eyes and heart open wide.


© 2009 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.