Just stumbled upon this journal entry from April:
He asked me if I was okay, and to my surprise, I said, “No."
Time sort of stood still once this foreign word came out of my mouth.
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Don’t get me wrong; I say
“no” quite often. But I can’t even remember the last time I said it in response
to the question “are you okay?”He asked me if I was okay, and to my surprise, I said, “No."
Time sort of stood still once this foreign word came out of my mouth.
“Ok” isn’t even saying much, so even if I’m upset, if
something’s wrong, I am always “okay.” Of course I'm "okay!" But… sometimes there’s a "but."
So today, instead of saying, “yes, but,” I simply said, “No."
I felt confused afterwards as to whether this was a more honest response or more dishonest, since I do know that I'm OK.
Looking over this now, plus looking at a bit more of the entry that's not typed above, I add to what's above below:
I wondered at the time if there was something going on here around the issue of denial, like that by saying "no," I was practicing not being in denial. I also wondered if it was more about semantics and my beliefs around the power of words than about denial. I think now it's a bit of both.
I guess my tendency was to feel that if I say I'm "not ok," it's like I'm saying something's really not ok, like on a deeper level. Or that it's feeding into some negative programming. And why on Earth would I want to do that? Because that's what people typically do? No. But also Yes.
Is it possible to overdo thinking before speaking? Is it possible for conscious language to get in the way of being a fully alive, authentic, communicative being?? Abso-freakin-lutely! So what if I know I'm always okay at the core of my being? Sometimes I'm not okay! I'm human. And once that's admitted, once that's spoken, whether just to myself or to others, I usually start to feel authentically okay again. Funny how that works. Like a confessional. Not that I've ever been in one. But I've always been intrigued by that part of Catholicism. And that's a whole other topic, one I won't get into now.
El Fin!
© 2013 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.
I felt confused afterwards as to whether this was a more honest response or more dishonest, since I do know that I'm OK.
Looking over this now, plus looking at a bit more of the entry that's not typed above, I add to what's above below:
I wondered at the time if there was something going on here around the issue of denial, like that by saying "no," I was practicing not being in denial. I also wondered if it was more about semantics and my beliefs around the power of words than about denial. I think now it's a bit of both.
I guess my tendency was to feel that if I say I'm "not ok," it's like I'm saying something's really not ok, like on a deeper level. Or that it's feeding into some negative programming. And why on Earth would I want to do that? Because that's what people typically do? No. But also Yes.
Is it possible to overdo thinking before speaking? Is it possible for conscious language to get in the way of being a fully alive, authentic, communicative being?? Abso-freakin-lutely! So what if I know I'm always okay at the core of my being? Sometimes I'm not okay! I'm human. And once that's admitted, once that's spoken, whether just to myself or to others, I usually start to feel authentically okay again. Funny how that works. Like a confessional. Not that I've ever been in one. But I've always been intrigued by that part of Catholicism. And that's a whole other topic, one I won't get into now.
El Fin!
© 2013 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.
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