Wanna know what you are?

You are a big body of Love! That's what you are....

(Please note, this blog entry is my most recent newsletter. I'm posting it here as a first step in an attempt to get back into blogging...  ;) )

Predictable, right? Sending out a newsletter in February about love? Yeah, I thought about doing something different. But the truth is sometimes I need a break from thinking outside of the box. ;)

That being said, this is not a typical February newsletter about love. It's not about how to strengthen your love relationships or spice things up in the bedroom. No. This is about Sheng Zhen (pronounced "shung jen"). Sheng means sacred. Zhen means truth. And what's the most sacred, highest truth? Unconditional Love. The pure energy of Love. Not love with a little "l," but Love with a big "L." It has nothing to do with anything personal. It simply is. And it is always there all around you and inside of you in an infinite supply.

Sheng Zhen is not just about doing some movements or meditating; it's a philosophy and can be a way of life as well. Sheng Zhen teaches that Love and qi (vital life force energy, pronounced "chee") are always together and are the original and basic energies of the Universe. Master Li Junfeng says that where there is Love there is qi, and where there is qi, there is life. Similar to one of my favorite Gandhi quotes:

Through the movements and contemplations of Sheng Zhen Gong, we get in touch with this energy of Unconditional Love. We embody Love.
 

And this is why Sheng Zhen is so powerful, so healing, and can deeply heal and touch people's lives.

Now, I invite you to shut your eyes, take a deep breath, relax and open your body and mind. Recall your origin; you come from Love. You already *are* the embodiment of Love. This is how we begin the practice of Sheng Zhen, not just in the classroom, but out in the world.

Imagine a world where you walk around feeling, knowing, that you are a big body of Love. Full of qi and full of Love. And knowing, seeing, that everyone else is too. What does that feel like? What does that look like? All it takes is the thought "I am a big body of Love," and a willingness, a curiosity even, to see what happens, to see what one simple, beautiful thought can do. Wanna try it?

Just think it. It really can be that easy.

And if you want more, you can also check out videos on YouTube (like Awakening the Soul, or Sheng Zhen Healing Gong, which are ideal for beginners), contact me or other teachers for lessons, or travel to a workshop or training with Master Li. And there's still the option of coming with me to Mexico for a week in April if you sign up by February 15.

Whether or not practicing Sheng Zhen or simply playing around with the "I am a big body of Love" mantra resonates with you, I highly encourage you to think about the bigger picture, the deeper meaning of Love, not just during this month when we're seeing big red hearts and the word "love" everywhere, but every month, every day. Every moment. Love is key.


 

Meeting My Inner Physician

Just stumbled upon this, something I wrote a few years ago, about a SomatoEmotional Release session in which my "inner physician" revealed herself to me in some surprising ways, personified rather than just a voice from within:

  

SomatoEmotional Release is something that may or may not occur spontaneously during a CranioSacral Therapy session. Sometimes the body stores emotions and memories, holding onto pain, trauma, or harmful beliefs. This therapeutic approach combines a light and gentle bodywork along with some energywork and dialoguing. For example, if there’s an energy blockage in the knee, the therapist might speak directly to the knee and ask for a reply. The client is to say whatever words surface, without discounting it as merely imagination, but to really allow it to be a message coming directly from the knee. This could also be thought of as receiving a message from the higher Self or what’s referred to as the “inner physician.” And sometimes the higher Self or inner physician is addressed directly to begin with.

So in this session, I’m lying on the massage table, on my back, fully clothed, as per usual. The therapist lightly placed his hands on various parts of my body to check the rhythm of my fluids. Then he assessed my “vectors” which is like a way of assessing energetic alignment in my legs, hips, and arms. He did this whole assessment pretty quickly and then immediately got to work.

I don’t even remember where he placed his hands at first, but the first thing I felt was the strong sensation of a wall in my chest. A brick wall. Eventually it turned more into a sort of tile flooring. Suddenly flashes of myself as a baby and toddler, sitting in the old kitchen, and then in my grandparents’ kitchen, came flashing through my mind. I started crying. My mind recognized these images as being from photographs or videos and couldn’t figure out the why of these images and the crying.

When the therapist checked in with my inner physician, first he had me go to a “safe place,” to imagine going to this place: the grassy lawn on a cliff, overlooking the ocean, with a willow tree and a bench. I’d been there before, but only in my mind, for work like this.

He encouraged me to invite my inner physician to meet me there. I saw an image of an old woman. I couldn’t handle her resemblance to me, and so she immediately morphed into an even older, cartoonish, witch-like figure. Possibly even one I’ve actually seen in a cartoon.

     And I felt fear.

I was scared.

I was scared of this all-knowing, magical woman.

I was scared of the power within myself.

My conscious mind recognized that this woman was really me, but my fear had turned her into a scary witch. Hard to trust.

     But I did trust.

I settled down into a trusting state.

The therapist started speaking to her directly, after first asking permission from me and from her. He asked her her name. The name that came to me instantly caused me to laugh, and my inner physician spoke through me:

     “My name makes Rebecca laugh.”

     “What is it?” he asked.

     “Helga.”

I was laughing more. Mostly laughing at my mind for creating this witch and this witch-like name, but trusting that it was serving a purpose.

Helga would look at me with love and tenderness, tears in her eyes and a smile, knowing all I’ve been through and all that I am going through.

I’m trying now to remember the first thing that released that allowed Helga to transform. I don’t remember, but at some point she started getting younger and younger and looking more and more like me again. By the end of the session, Helga had transformed into a sultry forty-something version of me, wearing a slinky black dress, smoking a cigarette.

That was my inner physician?

Apparently so.

It still cracks me up, that final image. An inner physician who smokes? I could psychoanalyze and speculate, but every time I've ever started to over the past 4 years, instead I just laugh, and the laughter short circuits that part of my brain that wants to explain. So let's just leave it at that.

Today at Dance

Today at dance I experienced the kind of playful, sweet, fun, connection and intimacy on the dance floor I always long for. In the past I'd be wary, only dance with a select few. But today, I say, not anymore; that pattern is through! Today, I let go. I let go even more. I opened. I played. And one sweet partner after another kept coming my way. From rolling around on the ground to eye gazing and the longest embrace, today at dance I embodied Love, joy, and grace.

I used to fear getting too close. But is there such a thing as too close? Not if you know yourself well and are in touch with your feelings. Not if you don't fear. Not if you have no agenda other than enjoyment and presence. Not if you're a hollow reed being guided by pure Love energy flowing through.

I used to hesitate, armor, withhold, isolate. It's not the closeness I feared, but rather what might come next. Will I get hurt? Physically or otherwise? Will there be some expectation or unwanted advance? On my part or his? When all I really wanted to do was dance. Dance and connect, feel and be felt, see and be seen, touch and be touched.

That used to be me on the dance floor, and sometimes even off, guarded and questioning. But recently I've been hearing these words, "I am a big body of Love," repeatedly in my head thanks to Sheng Zhen; these words are now being used as sort of a mantra to enter into this state of Unconditional Love. And they're powerful words; I'm feeling the Sheng Zhen spirit even more strongly than ever before.

And so I'm ready for something greater, something bigger; no more shrinking away; it's time to expand and practice what I preach. I say it in class all of the time, "open your Heart, let go, enjoy the movements, enjoy your life." It's all so simple. Just let go and open. Take each moment moment by moment. Stop anticipating. Just see what arises. If something's unwanted, respond clearly, with kindness. And with Love. Remaining open. Knowing there's no need to close, but simply to express the yes's as well as the no's.

Crucify the Prudes!

It was a typo, I swear. Auto-correct actually. But how does my smart phone know me well enough to come up with such a Freudian slip of an auto-correct?
 
I was trying to write "it was a low productivity day," but instead it came out "it was a low prude crucify day." At first I thought it was just a funny auto-correct, but then it hit me just how perfect it was since my reference to "low productivity" referred specifically to not working on my book.

While I'm not an advocate of crucifying anyone, I do view prudishness as associated with the lower levels of consciousness, something that stems from fear and mis-information and serves no purpose other than feeding the ego with judgments and self-righteousness and therefore harming the True Self and society at large. Being prudent is one thing; being a prude is another. And although the origin of the word "prude" was not always associated with being conservative specifically in regards to sex, we all know that now it is. I'm not going to get any deeper into semantics here though; surely there are already books out there about this.

Now, you might be wondering what my book is about. It's not about crucifying prudes. But it is about desire, curiosity, sexual healing, intimacy, and the female body. So although my book isn't about crucifying prudes, it is a book that most likely will make prudes uncomfortable. In fact, even if you're not a prude or don't consider yourself one, it just might make you uncomfortable too. And that's part of the whole purpose of writing what I'm writing. Let's see what makes us uncomfortable, what's hard to read or speak out loud or picture or do. And rather than run from it, let's get familiar with it, intimately familiar. Get over the taboo or discomfort so that we can live fully and truly without the repression of ignorance and shame, especially when it comes to sexuality and sex. Sex is, after all, the origin of us all. We wouldn't be here without it.

Because of some of my familial and community ties, I've been keeping pretty quiet about what my book's about and where I stand on such an important aspect of life. But how hypocritical is that? Time to come out of the closet on this.

AND? This blog post is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of me expressing myself. Feel free to jump ship or shut your eyes, but I encourage you instead to stay with eyes wide open and in anticipation of what's coming next.
I'd also say I hope that even just this didn't make you uncomfortable, but if it did, in the great words of Madonna, "Oops! I didn't know I couldn't talk about SEX....And I'm not sorry."

Down with all taboo.

 [UPDATE 11/10/16: This blog entry is from before I even though of The Multi-Orgasmic Diet! ;) And now, The MOD is out in the world. You can get it here.  ]

 
Human Nature - Madonna from sueños de seda on Vimeo.

Much Ado About What?!

I'm watching the most recent version of "Much Ado About Nothing," or at least I'm trying to watch it. For a movie with what seems to be an excessive amount of both dialogue and monologue, most of the time I have no idea what is going on or what they're saying.

I'm trying to follow it, but there's a disconnect. Sure, I was distracted by some fun Facebook messaging for the first 15 minutes, but now I've been focused for the past 20 minutes or more, and it's almost painful to hear so many words, a constant stream of words, but not understand! It's worse than watching a foreign film without subtitles or being in a foreign country where you don't know the language (I actually like that!). This experience though is really unpleasant, because I do understand the words individually; they're familiar, but I'm simply not comprehending the way they're strung together. It's so disturbing. Plus, the way the characters deliver the lines are totally unpalatable to me.

I used to read plenty of Shakespeare and have seen quite a few plays and movies over the years without any trouble following the story or understanding what they were saying. But there's just something about "Much Ado About Nothing."  I cannot wrap my head around it. I don't get it. And I never have-- I have this vague memory of the previous movie version with Keanu Reeves, and a similar experience of feeling bored and not really getting it. 

As I write this now, with the movie still playing, I'm actually picking up a bit more of what's going on, just a little. But mostly it just seems obnoxious. These people never shut up. I'm pretty sure all these characters have diarrhea of the mouth in a way that other Shakespeare characters do not. Or are they all like this, and I just never noticed? Perhaps....

They have so much to say to each other and out loud to themselves. And I simply don't care. I have no interest in the characters and these lines of dialogue and monologue are sounding more and more like nails on a chalkboard. I think it's time to turn it off.

Ah, yes. Off. Silence. Mmmm, that's nice.

Geez, I did not expect to be writing something like this tonight. Back in the day, I really wanted to be a movie critic. I had a knack for it. But then I developed a distaste for criticizing and complaining.  This blog entry feels a little bit like both of those things to me, but it was also fun to write. ;)

And now?  I think I'll make a tinfoil hat and watch Karmageddon, or just go to sleep.

Yeah, sleep. Bhagavan Das before bedtime is probably not such a good idea.... And perhaps more on that another time.

Bonne nuit!

How I Spent 3 Hours at a Mattress Store

I thought I'd just pop in for 15 to 30 minutes max, especially since I had a phone call at 11 and it was close to 10:30. I'd heard an ad on the radio last night about some big sale happening at Mattress Firm here in Austin. And I need a new bed. Although I'd been leaning towards shopping for an organic bed, maybe even a futon, or shipping my sleep number bed here from Seattle, when I heard this ad last night, I felt called to check it out.

So I did. I walked in to this store and was greeted by... we'll call him John to protect his true identity. ;) I was greeted by John. He was all alone in this big store. I said I was curious about the sale, and specifically about Tempurpedic mattresses, and even more specifically about the adjustable ones that are similar to sleep number beds since I've gotten hooked on the ability to adjust how firm or soft my bed is after more more than a decade of sleeping on Select Comfort beds; it's hard not to have that option after so many years!

And when I sampled the beds this morning, at first I had my doubts. But the more time I spent lying around on these beds, and talking to John (who sincerely told me about his previous sleep problems and how much his Tempurpedic bed helped), the more I felt like this just might be the best thing for me. It was strange what happened though. I felt like crying. Very slightly. Very, very slightly. But it was there. At first I think it was body crying out for this type of comfort, this ability for a relief of pressure, the potential for better sleep, and better alignment while sleeping.

But then John started offering to throw in a "free" this and "free" that if I made a purchase today. And I hate that. I hate when sales people do that. Even when it's a nice salesman and one who isn't pushy. It just feels like pressure. And so I snapped out of feeling into what my body wanted and instead said "oh, well, I'm sure I won't be making the decision today."

But I couldn't get up. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to leave. John said I could stay all day, keep him company, take a nap. I'd already missed my call, which was ok, since it was being recorded (an online course). So I stayed. And after saying I wouldn't be making any purchases, I relaxed again and settled back into the bed.

It wasn't long before I said, "ok, I'll do it. I'll buy this bed. Today."

John went to write up the paperwork, encouraging me to stay on the bed. So I did, and I felt like crying again. Just a little. And this time it was because I felt like buying this bed was somehow a sign of making a bigger commitment to staying in Austin, since it would not be something I could just pack up in my car if I wanted to leave. And since it was going to cost a few thousand dollars, it's not like I'd want to just get rid of it if I don't stay in Austin much longer. Oh, and if I fall in love with this bed, if it really is like heaven and improves my sleep, maybe even resolves some chronic tension/discomfort, then I certainly would want to move it with me if I decide to move.

Why would this make me feel like crying?

Fear of commitment? Or a feeling of having bigger moving expenses? A little bit of both.

The truth is, buying this bed doesn't mean I have to stay in Austin. Of course not!  But that's what it stirred up for me. And so what if I have to spend some extra money to move, whether within Austin or out of state?  I absolutely can afford the bed and any future moving expenses. And a good bed is one of the most important material possessions, in my opinion, so it's worth it. I'm worth it. My comfort and sleep is worth it.

John came back over and said he was ready to complete the transaction, so I got out of bed and walked over to his desk. And then one thing after another slowed down the the completion of this transaction. Technical difficulties. John being somewhat new to this job, and not being familiar with this store location. Technical difficulties. Time warp. That's really what it felt like. A time warp. How could it be that I was there for nearly 3 hours?

Testing out beds and talking lasted maybe an hour, or not even that long. Kind of strange now that I think back on it. But at the time, I felt totally chill. John was embarrassed about how long it was taking. I was just happy I wasn't in a bad mood or impatient, as sometimes I am and would have walked out or taken it as a sign that this wasn't right. But not today. Today I was patient and mellow. But then I got hungry.

John had asked if I recommended a place to eat, since he wasn't familiar with that neighborhood. So I offered to get us both some lunch, since he couldn't really leave for lunch, being the only one there, and since it was taking so long to process my purchase and financing plan. And he offered to pay for my lunch in return for my patience and my offer to get some food, and for making his day by being such an amazing customer! ;)

I went next door to a Thai place to order some food, got  hit on by a man who had just been stood up by a blind date, and then returned to Mattress Firm to complete the purchase and eat lunch with John. It was so, as he put it "unprofessional," but it was cool. And fun. And totally human and natural in my opinion to make the most of this situation and get some food since we were both hungry. While eating, I told him about my writing, and he had some nice encouraging things to say. And after eating, I thought about taking a nap in the store, spending the rest of the afternoon there with him, but decided to go home instead. I gave him a hug goodbye; I felt like we were old friends by the time I left! Actually, it was easy to be around him from the start; those are the best sales people, and the best kinds of friends.

So, that's how I spent 3 hours in a mattress store. And thank you, John, for helping me decide on a bed and for inspiring this blog entry after nearly 3 months of no posts.

How "Book in a Month" Helped Me

At the end of June I bought Victoria Lynn Schmidt's Book in a Month: The Fool-Proof System for Writing a Novel in 30 Days. Why? Because after getting some feedback on the first 36 pages of one of my books, the book about my car accident, I realized that I don't know a whole lot about story structure when it comes to writing a whole book. The feedback I received was good, what I shared was well written, but it raised questions regarding structure,  where the story was headed, such as to go chronologically or not and if it's ok to have the big climax at the beginning.

It occurred to me that perhaps it was time to do something I'd been resistant to doing: getting help. Reading a book about writing. In the past, I couldn't bear the thought of such a thing! Why on earth would I spend time reading about writing when I could be using that time writing? And yet would I use that time to write? Usually not. And even if I did, perhaps not as effectively so if first I'd taken some time to read a bit about writing. I just wanted to be a natural, to not need to read about it. And in some ways I am a natural. But when it comes to writing an entire book? Well, it was time for help. Plus, although I have an aversion to following "traditional structure," I do know it can be useful to know what that structure is before I break away from it! There is freedom within form. I realized this about dance a few years ago. Time to apply it to writing as well.

So on July 1st I committed to using this book, Book in a Month, even though it's for writing novels. I am writing memoir, but pretty sure I want it to read like fiction. So I figured I could work with it. And on days 1 and 2, I was an over-achiever with it and did each day's exercise for 3 different books-in-progress. I thought maybe I'd write 3 books in a month! Since I already had hundreds of pages, it's not like I was starting from scratch. So why not work on more than one at a time, right?

Wrong. Once I sat down on Day 3 to work on a comprehensive outline, I realized that only one of my books would be getting attention this month, and it wasn't going to be the car accident one, partially because there's not really an ending yet since I knew I'd have at least a few more EMDR sessions if not more. And the story that was easiest to outline, I already had 274 pages to work with, and a clear beginning, middle, and end for that story.

So I proceeded with this story about the summer of 2009-- tempting to reveal the topic here and now, but not quite ready-- and what I found was that the daily assignments were so helpful! They really got me thinking about things I'd never considered, and most of it was applicable to writing memoir.

I did each day's homework all in a notebook, by hand, and then I'd sit at my laptop and work on my revision process. Book in a Month really helped me learn a lot about character development and story structure. (I also ended up buying Story Structure Architect, which I found to be useful and interesting as well.) But most importantly, it helped me commit. Every day for one month, I worked on my book. In the fourth week, there may have been one day where I didn't do anything (or something so minimal that I didn't want to count it) and 2 days where I barely did anything. But something is always better than nothing. Oh, and in the back of the book are some stickers. One says "I'm a writer." I put that on the bottom of my monitor, and I'm pretty sure that seeing that day after day, all throughout the day, has helped me truly become a writer, committed and dedicated to the writing and revision process and confident that I will be published some day. It also helped remind me to get back to work when distracted by things like Facebook!

What a gift.

And Victoria Lynn Schmidt's advice, assignments, worksheets, and questions, her voice that comes through, were all great. It was easy and fun. It was enjoyable. And every day I felt so good even if all I did was the daily exercise or edit a page or two. The commitment to daily made all the difference, and the professional advice taught me a lot, both about writing and about myself. I highly recommend her book to writers or aspiring writers, even if not writing a novel. It would also be helpful for screen play writing, which is where I might be headed after I get at least one of these memoirs finished and published!

Oh! I almost forgot to mention how it all turned out in the end for me. Although I did not reach my goal of having a manuscript ready for professional feedback by the end of the month, I'd say I'm at least 80% there, closer than ever before. It occurred to me to spend all of today writing to see if I could get through a big chunk of what's left to do. But then I remembered an important part of this month-long process: planning the reward and then celebrating completion of the month. So today, I haven't opened up that manuscript document. And my reward? I took myself to an afternoon movie. I also feel like I officially became a writer. Not published yet, but committed to the daily work to the writing and the rewriting. Getting closer and closer to one of my longest held dreams coming true. That's a reward in and of itself.

What's next? Well, I will continue. I have 279 pages that are mostly done, at least done enough for feedback, possibly even ready for hiring a professional to give feedback. I bought a book about writing and publishing memoir. Started reading it yesterday. I'm also thinking about checking out some website or a book that specifically address scenes. I'm not setting another solid deadline, but I am guessing that some time in September I will be shopping around for some professional help. Already have a couple of connections and possibilities. And I am always open to more.


© 2013 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.