Letting Go (of me)

We hear it all the time. Let go of this. Let go of that. Let go of him. Let go of her. But what about letting go of ourselves? What about loving ourselves enough to let go of self-imposed limitations, habitual ways of thinking or seeing ourselves or being? How about loving ourselves enough to just let go, to live and love freely? How about trusting enough to feel safe and supported in opening up and revealing both our strengths and vulnerabilities?

Last night as I was driving back to Anacortes, I was listening to the radio and heard some song lyrics like, "I love you enough to let you go." And that got me thinking about love and attachment and detachment and letting go. Actually, I think I was already thinking of those things. But hearing this song somehow took my thoughts in another direction.

I started thinking about self-love and feeling worthy of love and what that looks like. And that's when I heard these words in my head: "I love myself enough to let myself go."

Is it true? Do I? Last night they were just words, just an idea. But tonight, they turned into this question. As I was walking around the marina a little while ago thinking about this, I saw an image that I had seen on Friday: hands wrapped around my lower spine.

On Friday, during a CranioSacral turned SomatoEmotional Release session, this image came to me. They were not my hands. They were large, strong, manly hands belonging to some god-like being or angel perhaps. They had been there since my accident, holding me together, protecting me from feeling pain. So the session turned into an opportunity to let these hands know that they were no longer needed, that what was once helping was now hindering, now harmful. They were slow to let go, but they did start to fade. And tonight when I remembered this image while thinking about loving myself enough to let myself go, I heard the question: "Do you love yourself enough to let yourself go?" And with that I crumbled. Momentarily, but powerfully. Stopped in my tracks to shed a few tears. Feeling some fear and sadness but also gratitude for this illumination, for this reminder to step this self-love and letting go thing up a notch.

I actually have been loving myself up and letting myself go more and more over the past several months, more so than ever. But what would it feel like to let go even more? What would it look like and feel like and be like to love myself enough to let myself go more completely, to trust enough to release any remaining overprotective mechanisms that go against my greatest good? And as I ponder that, I see those hands fading again. I see myself crumbling again. But not because I need those hands to hold me up. But because I don't. And that release brings relief. I feel my body soften and sink, and I see myself crumble in sweet surrender. I see myself rise back up, stronger and more open than ever.



© 2009 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.