Church of Dance

Some people go to church on Sunday mornings.
Some people go to dance on Sunday mornings.
I'm becoming part of that 2nd group of people, viewing my body as a temple and dance/movement as a form of worship.

In Seattle, there's an Ecstatic Dance group that meets every Sunday. I heard about it about 13 months ago. Today I finally checked it out. And it was divine.

I had been a little nervous about going. Would I like it? Would it be too "new agey" or too "hippy-ish?" Would people try to dance with me? For months I didn't go because I was concerned I might not feel right there, but finally I realized I wouldn't know until I tried. As my mom says, "worry is the misuse of imagination." And I am so grateful that I finally went to see for myself what it would be like.

I felt so, so very "right" there. I felt free and safe to let the music move me. I felt a strong sense of connection and community while also feeling completely comfortable dancing by myself on the perimeter of the room, getting deeply in touch with myself, letting go and allowing the music to move me. I also felt moved to tears on several occasions by the freedom of movement, the freedom of being, I experienced. I also got to release some pent up anger during one of the songs that evoked that sort of energy and emotion in me. It was beautiful.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. To Laura for planting the seed so many months ago. To the ecstatic dancers in Seattle for creating the lovely space and adding to my experience. And to myself, for going and for letting go, for the ability to move this body of mine that's been through so much, for all I do, and for all I am-- Maybe I should title this blog entry The Church of Me instead? Or maybe that's another blog entry waiting to be written.....

i'm free, i'm free!

I canceled my internet service today, and it feels so liberating.

When the customer service representative asked me why I was canceling, I said I just need to not have internet, at least for the summer.

"You want to get outside more?" she asked.

Not necessarily. But yes. Sure.

"I just want to get offline," I said, "and I lack the willpower!" we both laughed, "so I need to remove the temptation!" more laughter on both ends.

"Ok, you're disconnected," she said.

"You mean I can't go online anymore?" I asked hopefully and excited.

"That's right," she laughed at me, or with me, again.

"GOOD! Thank you."

And when I got off the phone, I felt so happy, so jazzed up from canceling and from the funny conversation, that my first thought was, "I've gotta post a blog entry on this!"
But I couldn't! Because I didn't have internet anymore. So I went to check out a Salsa Aerobics class down the street instead. And it felt good. It felt good to get out of my house and be around other people while moving my body and not being the teacher. Just having fun. Feeling free, so free, and more connected than before disconnecting from the internet.

And now here I am at the library with my laptop for my limited internet time, and it is great. [sigh of relief]

BLOG!!!!!!!

i smiled when i saw "BLOG!!!!!!" as the subject of an email in my inbox. i smiled more when i read the message:

"(the internet has been so bland lately ;)  "

i took this as a hint, and it came at the perfect time. i've been composing some blog entries in my head over the past couple of days. today was packed full of clients, but my haircut blog finally made its way out through my fingertips. and yesterday, well, i have no excuse for yesterday other than that i've been thinking about canceling my internet service and writing a book with all the free time i imagine i'll have if i don't get sucked into cyberspace on a regular basis from the comfort of my own home!

so, for all i know, this is the last blog entry for awhile, or forever. then again, i might post something again later tonight, or tomorrow, or next week!

we shall see.....

i am not my hair. and...

sometimes the hair's just gotta go.

i am not my hair
i am not this skin
i am the soul that lives within

i returned from austin on monday feeling refreshingly lighter, after a weekend of heavy-heartedness. and in this new lightness of being, i noticed some lingering weight weighing me down. but it wasn't my heart. it was my head. but it wasn't my thoughts (what a shock!); it was my hair.

so just when i'd gotten past the awkward stage of growing it out, it was now time to chop it off. to let go of whatever all that hair was still holding energetically? to lighten up even more? perhaps. or maybe just simply for a change? simply for fun? maybe all of that. maybe more.

i went and did
what i had to do
because it was time to change my life
to become the woman that i am inside

so i made the choice to say goodbye to my long curly locks that i'd been growing out over the past year or two. and somehow it felt so liberating. why? because i am not my hair. or maybe because i am my hair, at least partially. it's a part of me. so?

(whoa, whoa, whoa)
does the way i wear my hair make me a better person?
(whoa, whoa, whoa)
does the way i wear my hair make me a better friend? Oooh
(whoa, whoa, whoa)
does the way i wear my hair determine my integrity?
(whoa, whoa, whoa)
i am expressing my creativity

over the past couple of months i've been listening to india.arie's song "i am not my hair" over and over and over again, along with some of her other great songs, as music therapy. it's funny because i could have used her song as an argument for or against the cut. for example, if i am not my hair, then i don't need to cut it to release that energy it seemed to be holding. and if i am not my hair, then growing it out doesn't mean anything either. and perhaps that's the whole point. it's our minds assigning meaning and imagining all kinds of crap that gets us into trouble. it's not the actual choice or outcome that matters so much; it's making the decision, whatever that decision may be, without over-analyzing. that's what matters.

what matters is listening to your gut, that voice inside, without trying to see the future or analyze the past, without questioning and doubting. just listening. whether it's about something that matters, like how to compassionately detach from a loved one, or something that doesn't matter so much, like getting a haircut. what matters is listening, trusting, and acting accordingly. without all the but-what-ifs. without self-doubt. without an agenda. but instead with presence, clarity, and faith, in that moment.