Walking Out of Yoga

I just walked out of a yoga class half way into it. Instead of pushing myself, I listened to myself. At first it didn't even occur to me leave. I didn't feel like doing what I was being told to do. So I did my own thing, figuring I could still make the most of the heated room and occasionally follow along with the rest of the class. But then the teacher's voice started to bother me. The instructions, the sequence, the words, the tone of voice. So mechanical. So devoid of heart and soul.

I'd never felt that way in this teacher's class before. But today this was my reality. And so I left.

Sometimes it's good to push through discomfort and not let others affect us, or push through discomfort and be affected but in a way in which we grow and learn and move into even more comfort. But sometimes it's best to walk away, to remove ourselves from the situation or the person. And although walking out felt a bit awkward, it also felt so right. I was trusting myself, being true to myself, taking care of myself. 

My heart feels tender this morning, after some goodbyes last night, after realizing today that I leave Seattle in 5 days. And as I type that I remember that I went through the same thing with Seattle as I did with the yoga class. Not feeling right, and yet trying to force myself to make things work, forcing myself to stay. Feeling some fears around what it would look like to others, as well as myself, if I were to leave. But once the decision was made to take the leap, the net, many nets, started to appear. It's a lesson in trust. Trusting ourselves, that small voice, the gut feeling, that inspiration. Trusting the Universe. And having faith that those nets will keep appearing, and being grateful when they do.

© 2012 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

Hours of Metal, and/or Water

For the past week I've been waking up between the hours of 3 and 5 a.m. unable to fall back asleep for a couple of hours, if at all, but not having gone to bed early enough for this to be enough sleep. At first I thought it was my "fault," for having this bright idea last week about getting an early start on the different time zones I'll soon be entering! I remember thinking about this while driving in my car, and the times 3, 4, and 5 a.m. flashed through my head. Apparently I didn't make it clear that this was only what I wanted if I'd gone to bed early enough to get 7 hours of sleep. Apparently I didn't make it clear that 5 a.m. would be a good start, good waking time to get back to since it used to be one of my best times to wake up, then drift back to sleep for an hour before rising.

But perhaps I'm giving myself too much credit here. Perhaps this isn't about me being such powerful little manifester! Perhaps this is about these hours, 3 to 5 a.m. and what they represent. The truth is there's a variety of reasons that my sleep could be disrupted this past week. Lots of changes both inside and out. Lots of excitement. A NUCCA adjustment that brought me into alignment that I quite possibly haven't experienced in years. A new pillow. Leaving soon for travel and then moving away. A beautiful man and his little girl coming into my life. Being part of a weekly women's circle. Waiting to hear back about some real estate matters. Stepping into a new role of co-leadership within the Sheng Zhen organization by putting my writing and editing skills to use for them. Yes, there's a lot on my plate right now. A lot of it is new. And I am so grateful and inspired by the abundance of new opportunities, blessings, and answered prayers in my life. So, what does this have to do with 3 to 5 a.m.?

 

The lungs. In Traditional Chinese Medicine Five Element Theory,  3 to 5 is the time of the lungs. So what are they trying to tell me? Do I need to do some breathwork? My lung capacity at these hours is quite amazing, I noticed yesterday morning. Perhaps I'll try it if I wake at this time again! Or perhaps it's just about what the lungs represent, which is taking in all that life has to offer. Breathing in the energy of life! Feeling worthy of all the good coming my way, all the good that's already here. Having faith, which I do. Letting go, which I am.

Letting go. I pause for a moment now and consider that the Metal Element, Lung and Large Intestine is associated with sorrow, with grief. At first I think, no, this has nothing to do with it! I've been on cloud 9 recently; I'm not sad. But grief isn't just about sadness; it is a process. And I am letting go of so much (Large Intestine) to make room for the new (Lung). Letting go of old ways of thinking, self-limiting thoughts and behaviors, relationships and activities that no longer serve me, my house, my parents' house, my home town, my clients, my students, my massage practice, my fears. Yes, I would say there's some grief there. Bittersweet for sure.

There's also a possibility that it's about the Bladder, since the time for the Bladder is 3-5 pm. The Water Element, Bladder and Kidney, are about fear and anxiety, and it's quite possible that fears and anxieties that are kept at bay and/or seemingly released throughout the day, are waking me up in the middle of the night. Also, I see now that the balancing emotion is Hope. Oooooh, I'm getting chills now as I write that. Last month I was drawn to a ring in a store with 3 words inscribed on it: "Faith," "Hope" and "Love." I've been wearing this ring almost daily. Interesting that Hope balances Bladder, and Faith balances Lung... And even more, or equally, interesting is what I just read, something I don't remember learning when studying the 5 elements. I just read that the Bladder governs the nervous system. The NUCCA adjustment affects the brain stem, effecting the entire nervous system. In a good way, but there's certainly lots of adjustments being made. My whole system is re-correcting, better able to self-regulate now. Wow!

So perhaps that's it. Or just a coincidence. Either way, I am listening.

© 2012 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

Yesterday's email

To those of you subscribed via email, not sure why those two old entries from 2010 showed up in our inboxes: Coming back to me and How to Have Fun.  I have been reading through my old posts little by little, so maybe I accidentally clicked something that did that, but those were not two of the posts I read, so it's a mystery to me. Perhaps divine timing?

It was a powerful time of learning and growth when I wrote those, especially through embodiment practices. Perhaps yesterday's email came to remind me of some of the things I've already learned but sometimes forget, such as "people's tendency to lose themselves when in relationship. To sacrifice authenticity for communion. One of the workshop leaders suggested using breath to help ourselves come back to ourselves. Inhale into self, exhale and connect with the other. Inhale, coming back to self. Exhale, extending self to other. Inhale, I see myself. Exhale, I see you too. Inhale, checking back in with self. And so on... "  This reminder of this particular exercise comes at a perfect time for me, as recently I've been learning all about and practicing staying grounded and strongly rooted in my own energy when interacting/connecting with others.

It occurs to me that this email may also have come to show me that I'm doing well remembering and practicing some of those things I figured out back then, such as "I acknowledge that sometimes I am too busy thinking about what I've lost to appreciate what I still have."   This certainly is no longer an issue. Hallelujah! I've got the gratitude practice and abundance mentality down. I think this can be attributed not only to that realization I had back in 2010 but also all that I've learned about the power of the mind, the power of belief, the power of thoughts plus emotions AND gratitude practices, like a weekly gratitude circle and the 90 day challenge I'm currently participating in that involves listing daily all gifts received. I've come a long way in seeing more clearly just how blessed I am, and appreciating the abundance that comes into my life in so many different forms. And for that I am grateful!

Those two examples are just from Coming Back to Me. How to Have Fun was simply a fun read! And that is that. Until next time...

© 2012 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

Awakening the Soul in the Bathroom

This story's been waiting since April to be written. It's about the time I got locked  inside my friend's bathroom when nobody else was home, and how between my attempts to get out I did things like practice Sheng Zhen Gong, and take a shower.

The story goes like this:

I was up in Anacortes for the weekend to teach a Happiness Qigong workshop at the Anacortes Center for Happiness, give massages at the Samish Nation Health Fair, and to spend a night in my vacant house that was on the market.

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The qigong workshop was fun, and spending a night alone in my house after so many months of renting it out and not living there, was quite nice. A good reunion. Didn't sleep so well, but ended up having plenty of down time at the health fair the next day. 

After the fair, I called Laura a bit after 2 to check in about coming over for a visit. I said I might go for a walk first, or come over first. She said to do whatever I wanted and to just come in, not ring the bell.

I contemplated my desire to be outside, by the water, in the woods, in the sun. I decided to go for a walk first, and then I could go to Laura’s to write. I’d really been wanting to write; being in my house now that my tenants had moved out was bringing up all kinds of memories and creative inspiration. But first, a walk.

With a huge can of coconut water in hand, I went for a walk out to the marina. It was nice. I ran into an old client, and our conversation inspired to write specifically about leaving Anacortes. And when I returned home, that’s what I did. Two pages, single spaced. And then I went to Laura’s.

Before leaving home, I contemplated calling to see if she was still around, since now it was close to 3:30. I decided not to bother calling, and as I got in my car, I realized I really had to pee and almost went back into the house, but instead just zipped on over to her house, not far from mine.

When I arrived, her car was there. When I walked up to the door, there was a note that said “gone for a walk up the street.”

I entered the house and heard voices, thinking the boys must be home, or maybe even Laura and she’d just forgotten to remove the note. But it was just the t.v. A movie actually. A strange one, and so I turned it off. I walked through the house to see if anyone was home. Seemed as if nobody was there. I set down my bag and my laptop on the kitchen table, looking outside excited to go sit out on the deck and write. I’d come up with a good line to add to my earlier writing. But first thing's first: the bathroom.

I went in to the bathroom and noticed that the doorknob was missing, but not completely.  The inner workings of it were there, but the knob was not. I hesitated a bit puzzled, and then shut the door. Completely. Til it clicked. I relieved my oh so full bladder, washed my hands, turned towards the door, put my fingers into the hole where the knob had been and pulled. Nothing happened. I pushed. Nothing happened. I tried jiggling it around. Nothing jiggled.

“Oh shit!” My eyes widened and I burst out laughing. I was locked in. And I didn’t have my phone. And nobody was home.

I figured Laura would be home soon, as her note said she’d just gone up the street. I wondered though if that really meant up the street to another street to a big long trail, a place I’d love to go after doing some writing actually. I found myself laughing at the situation and happy to not be claustrophobic. And glad I’d turned off that movie.

First I decided to just sit myself down and practice some qigong, Awakening the Soul, on the toilet. I recited the contemplations out loud, happy to have memorized the majority of them. And then, when I was done, still nobody home, I decided to try to figure out how to get out of the bathroom. There had to be a way.

I found a bobby pin and unfolded it. I tinkered around with the inner workings of what used to have a knob attached to it. I had an idea of the mechanics and thought I knew what needed to be done, but just needed the right tool. The bobby pin didn’t work. I tried a pencil. And then I gave up.

I read a catalog. Or two.

I decided to take a shower. I hadn’t taken one in the morning, so why not take one now? There were clean, colorful towels folded up, just waiting to be used.

So I got undressed, and then I opened the sliding shower door and saw that the hot water knob was missing. I tested it out to make sure I could turn it on and off. No problem there. But then the cold water knob didn’t seem to be working.

I put my clothes back on and decided to shake. Bioenergy Shaking. Still entertained by this whole scenario. Oh, and I forgot to mention that right before I thought about taking a shower the doorbell rang a few times. I knew the door was unlocked, and I thought about calling out to ask whoever it was to come in. But having no clue who it was, I decided against it. What if it was someone who would burglarize the house? Clearly I wasn't thinking clearly. Why would a burglar ring the bell in the middle of the afternoon, and then not even try the door knob?

So I tried to get the door open again by wrapping something around the pencil to make it thicker and hopefully turn the thing that I thought needed turning. Didn’t work. 

I could hear kids playing outside. Thought maybe they were home but hadn't come in yet. So I yelled out for help. Nothing.

Mostly I was amused, but there were definitely a few small and short waves of irritation and upset that swept through me. So I repeated some mantras. I attempted communicating with Laura telepathically. I tried my luck as a lock picker again. No luck though.

So I considered more qigong or meditation, but decided to try the shower again instead. Surely Laura and her family had been showering; this one had to be easier to figure out. I tried the cold water knob again, turning it by holding on in a slightly different place, and it worked! So I got undressed again, and took a shower.

After the shower, still nobody home. What to do? I thought about painting my nails. Instead I looked at the puzzle of the knobless knob from a different angle. I decided to try poking at this thing from below, and to my pleasant surprise it finally worked. Super easy. Super fast. I was free! Free at last.

It was 4:34 when I left the bathroom. I’m guessing I was in there for about an hour.

I called Laura and heard her phone ring right there nearby. She'd left her cell phone at home. 

Before I could even gather up my laptop to go outside, she and her boys arrived. And before she even got up the stairs to see me, she called out, "Were you locked in the bathroom?"

It had happened yesterday to her boyfriend's son as well. Laura was mortified, but I assured her that it was actually pretty funny and entertaining. And then her boyfriend's son, who had attended my Happiness Qigong class the previous night, said something to the effect of, "it's like you said; find the humor in the challenges." 

In a sense, getting locked in that bathroom was a gift. And although this might not be the perfect telling of the story, conveying all that I experienced, it is right up there in my memory as one of the best, funniest stories/experiences ever. Plus,  I learned how to open a door with no knob. So, thank you, Laura! Your bathroom will forever have a special place in my heart; it was truly a joy and a pleasure awakening my soul in there. In addition to being funny, it was quite a rewarding practice in being present and remaining (for the most part) calm, and trusting, really knowing and trusting, even when timing is beyond my control, that all will be well; all is well.

© 2012 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.