the makeup habit

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit. 3 weeks ago, in addition to giving up scented products, I gave up eyeliner and lipstick, the only makeup I've used for years.

Why?

To get more in touch with my inner radiance, my natural beauty, and also to break the makeup habit.

During the first 5 days or so, I felt so naked! But then I began to see less of what was missing (the eyeliner and lip coloring) and more of what was there all along (me and my inner radiance, a softness, and also a vulnerability coupled with strength).

I even went to my high school reunion makeup-free. It was pretty awesome to feel so confident and naturally radiant that I could face the people who were so responsible for inducing my self-consciousness, without using anything to "enhance" my natural beauty!

And that leads me to something important I've discovered. Now that I've broken the habit and gotten more comfortable and familiar with my 100% natural look, I feel that I can, and want to, go back to using some makeup from time to time. To enhance my natural beauty. For fun. As a form of creative expression. As a way of drawing more attention to my eyes and/or lips when giving a presentation. But not because of self-consciousness. And not because it's a habitual part of my daily routine.

So yesterday, before going to teach a 3-hour qigong workshop, I put on some eyeliner and tinted lip gloss for the first time in 3 weeks. And it felt good. Not necessary. But good.

Did I do that??

Or was it just a premonition?

Or neither?

All week I was looking forward to a Sunday hike and a game of Scrabble with a guy I haven't seen since June. I wasn't thinking of it as a date. But then he called it that a few days ago. I had mixed feelings about that. And last night, when he hadn't called as he had said he would, to let me know when and where to meet, I felt indifferent. And this morning, as I went for a walk, I wondered if I'd hear from him today, but sort of hoped that I would just be spending the day alone. I trusted that the universe was looking out for me, and that perhaps this hike wasn't meant to be.

When I returned home from my walk, I took a quick shower, and when I came out of the shower, there was a message from him, requesting a rain check. His son had fallen and busted open his chin.

"Uh oh, Did I do that?" I wondered. I sure hope his son wasn't a pawn in my "manifestation" of not going on this hike or date or whatever the heck is was--- ah, and maybe that's why it's not happening. The lack of clarity and understanding regarding intention. Or maybe it's not happening simply because his son hurt himself! I don't know. But I do know that lately I've been seeing how powerful the mind can be and how important it is to have clear intentions, or at least to be open to receiving that clarity....and to be clear with yourself and others when lacking clarity and/or intention. And maybe sometimes the intention is to have no intention, to just follow your feelings, go with the flow, and see what happens.

more old "poetry"

11/29/96

Cold shoulder
Cold day
Warm smile's gone away
Where are you compassion?
I thought you would stay


9/5/98

Throughout my life I've
Often wondered why
The majority of people lie
The majority of the time.
They may not even be aware
That they are playing truth or dare
And lying through their teeth
Trying to instill belief
In others and in their own mind
They even start believing
Their own lies half the time
If only they'd quit deceiving
And finally start believing in
Who they really are
And not who they'd like to be
Love and peace and creativity
Would flow more freely
Through you and over to me
Through me and over to you
If each and every body
Would open up to the truth

* * *

"Poetry" was never my thing....Poetic prose maybe yes, but I never felt I had a knack for writing poems or songs....Still, it's fun to experiment and revisit other forms of writing from time to time....

can shooting stars rise?

Spring cleaning, I find a notebook. A 3-ring binder. I made it for a boy in high school. Not just a friend. But not a boyfriend. A special friend. I never gave it to him. But it has a collection of poems and letters and other writings to him or inspired by him or reminding me of him. And the first page I flip open to is a poem I wrote while sitting in Denny's on Mercer Island. 6 months after the accident we were both in. Feeling closer than ever, longing for a love I knew wasn't mutual, I wrote this poem:

10/10/96

She took a deep breath,

Silenced her mind,

And allowed her heart to the talking this time.

"Babe, I've been falling--"

"You're a shooting star," the boy said.

"True," the girl said, as she nodded her head,

"But, babe, I've been falling--

or I'm about to fall

for you-"

"Please don't fall, baby.

I can't catch you."

13 years later, reading these words, my heart stops and my chest fills with warmth. I roll my eyes and laugh at myself. Why? Because I see that I've been playing out this same scenario repeatedly with other guys over the years. I laugh because I just as easily could have written this a month ago, but with someone else in mind. However, there were some major differences and improvements in this most recent "reenactment," enough so that I think this pattern is coming to an end and that I'd have to edit the poem, changing myself from a star into something else, something that rises or flies rather than something that falls....

Holy Crow! Literally....

Ok, this is getting stranger by the minute.
Last night my client exclaimed, "Holy Croatia" instead of "Holy Crow!" which led us both to believe I'll be going to Croatia this summer. But in general that doesn't feel right to me. What feels right is staying here, but going to Esalen for CranioSacral 2 the week before the Croatia training begins. We'll see. It's still a possibility. Still need more clarity. And what just happened doesn't necessarily help, at least not yet.....

So what just happened?

I went for a walk to my usual spot, and when I got to the gazebo by the beach and started to turn back to go home, I heard a voice say, "The raven told me you were coming."

A man was walking down the trail. I could only see his feet, as the rest of him was covered by the bushes. I kept walking. But the voice sounded familiar. Plus I was intrigued by the mention of a raven.

"You talkin' to me?" I asked, but kept walking.

"Yes, I'm a Native American. But I didn't mean to intrude."

"You didn't," I called back, as I kept walking, and turned back to wave. I was eager to get home and look up "raven" in my animal totem books. I wondered what it meant, and if it related to anything I was thinking about during my walk.

I also wondered if I was supposed to stay and talk to that man. And about a quarter of the way home, I turned around, went back to the gazebo, and there he was on his cell phone. The call ended just as I approached.

"Did the raven have a message for me?" I asked.

And then he proceeded to share a couple of creation stories that I won't even try to retell here. The stories and the words he used were beautiful and moved me to tears several times, each time I thought "this is why I came back, to hear this." So relevant to what's been in my heart and mind....

And although Ravens are larger than Crows, ravens are in the crow family. This association didn't even hit me until I got home, at which point I thought of my client saying, "Holy Croatia" (which would normally have been Holy Crow).

Now I don't know if the universe is trying to tell me to go to Croatia or trying to give me the opportunity to say "no. But I do know that I'm glad the Raven spoke up and that I turned back to hear what Robert EagleBear had to say. It was one of the strangest, most beautiful, and surreal experiences. I walked home feeling high as a kite but also incredibly grounded. Practiced Return to Spring, and my arms just floated, my whole being glowed.

http://www.animaltotem.com/raven.html

http://members.tripod.com/~irishpub/fauna/ravenmagic.html

Holy Cro-atia!

Welcome to the psychic clients' network.

Sunday morning as I packed my car before leaving my parents' house, I looked at my portable massage table, the light-weight one I use for onsite massage, mostly just for one client and her husband and friends. I thought to myself, "I'll just leave my table here. I haven't even heard from her in awhile. I think she's away. And if she does call, then I'll just lug my big table to her house."

24 hours later, Monday morning, I wake up to see that she had texted me Sunday night, asking if I had any time to come over in the next couple of days. I had to laugh. And I had to say "yes."

And then, during her massage, after a huge release and sigh of relief, she says, "Holy Croatia!" She's typically very vocal when on the table, but I'd never heard her say "Holy Croatia." And considering that for the past few weeks I've been toying with the idea of going to Croatia, I was a little weirded out.

And so I ask her, "Holy Croatia? Where did that come from?"

"I don't know."

"Well, strange thing is I've been thinking about going to Croatia this summer."

"GO!" she says. "That must be why I said it."

"So you don't usually say that?"

"Nope! Never have before. Just 'holy crow.' So it must've come through me as a message for you. Isn't that crazy?"

Yes.

And just when I thought I was NOT going to go.

Was it a sign? Was it a message?

In the moment I thought it must mean I'll be going.

But in this moment I'm not so sure.

Must sleep on it....All will become clear....All in good time....

What's that smell?

I wrote this on March 9:

Yesterday I was walking through the park, but on a road. So occasionally cars would drive by, and it smelled awful. In my head, I was thinking in Hungarian: "Budos." It means smelly. And then I heard my ex-husband's voice in my head: "Budos vagy." It means "you're smelly."

He said this to me. Only once, in the midst of an argument, in a context that was cruel and painful. And it left an impression. I became more self-conscious and so although I had never enjoyed perfumes or strong fragrances, I started buying all kinds of scented products, like body washes and lotions. I couldn't stand the thought of my own husband thinking I smelled bad. And it didn't occur to me that it wasn't even true, or that it meant that we just weren't a good match, or that perhaps there was something wrong internally (like toxicity) that was influencing my body odor.

Six years later and I'm still using scented products. Six years later and it takes a friend saying that my lotion is what's smelly. Where's the real me? What does Rebecca smell like?

I don't even know.
I don't remember.

Who am I underneath these products? I never even realized how much of myself I've been covering up. I am pretty darn genuine, and don't wear much or any makeup. But ever since my ex-husband's words, I've gotten so out of touch with this part of myself, this part of myself which is my skin, my naturalness. What the heck have I been covering up?

It's time to find out. And so now I'm trying to use unscented products, and even unflavored lip balm. But any product seems to influence what's really there. I used Jojoba oil to moisturize, and it smells a little. Is it supposed to? Or is it slightly rancid? I don't know....

But I do know I'm grateful for my friend's honesty about my artificial scent. Now I feel like getting rid of all these scented products of mine, and it feels liberating. I'm so curious, so curious to know what my skin really smells like, what my lips really taste like. Like Rebecca. And what that's like, I have yet to discover, but I'm on my way....

To be continued......

walking in stillness

I hear the wind blowing through the treetops, but I am still, unaffected, calm, as I walk through the thick of the forest. The sound of the wind in the trees reminds me of the ocean, and I feel myself peacefully sinking to the bottom, relaxing into the sand, still, calm, and unaffected by the waves I see above.

I can hardly believe this calmness in me, this shift, this perspective, this ability to feel so much but remain still, sitting with it, breathing with it, accepting it, befriending it, releasing it. Something's shifted in me and is continuing to shift. These past 10 days have been epic. Starting with my qigong marathon last weekend and ending with-- it hasn't ended. But so much has happened, internally and externally. I don't know where to begin. I can't believe I haven't been writing about it. I just don't know how. I don't know when. I'm too busy experiencing it. Experiencing me. No distractions. No outside influence. Just me. I don't even want to share. And yet I do. But perhaps it's just too soon....

just for fun - what a concept!

A little angel knocked on my door yesterday morning. She lives next door, but I haven't seen her in months.

I was pleasantly surprised to see her.
Notebook in hand, she looked up at me and asked, "Would you rather see Barney or Elmo on T.V?"

"Elmo," I said with a smile.

She made a mark under "Elmo" on her paper. I was the first one she had asked.

"Are you going to ask everyone in the neighborhood?" I questioned, curious about why she knocked on my door.

"I don't know," she shrugged her shoulders.

"Is this for a school report or personal report?"

"Neither," she replied.

"Oh! So it's just for fun?"

"Yep!" her eyes lit up as she smiled. She looked proud of herself.

And this lit me up inside.

For the rest of the day, and still today, I've been thinking of this little girl and the message she brought me, the reminder she gave me, which is to have some fun and lighten up. Play! Be free.

And as I write this I wonder if she even asked anybody else her question, or if perhaps she was simply a messenger, with a message just for me.

Sheng Zhen Qigong marathon part 6: Return to Spring

Ok, I think this is it. I'm not planning on adding Healing Qigong to this marathon.

During Return to Spring I wasn't fully present all of the time. I was thinking about Austin. Will I return to Austin for Return to Spring? I'd like to give myself at least a couple of weeks before even considering it. And yet here I am, thinking about the future instead of being fully present with the practice.

It wasn't until my DVD got stuck, right before the 7th movement, that I stopped thinking about the possible pros and cons of attending another qigong workshop so soon. I had to take the DVD out and put it back in. It started to get stuck again, but I got it to work, a little ways into the 7th movement, and the timing could not have been better. The contemplation was just what I needed to hear:

The meaning of life is found not only in happiness but also in sorrow. Life is sadness and happiness, separation and reunion, up and down, ebb and flow.

This didn't really help in terms of my thoughts on the Return to Spring workshop, but it helps in terms of all my ups and downs lately, my feelings of happiness and sorrow, all the separations and reunions. It was pleasant reminder of the yin and the yang, the fullness of life. It also pertained to what I was thinking of prior to Return to Spring, which was that not only do new doors open when other doors close, but sometimes closed doors open back up. What's behind those doors, whether opened, closed, or re-opened, is what remains to be seen....

Tonglen

After eating some lunch and paying some bills and cleaning up a little, the masochist in me decided to re-read an email to see if it would stir up any yucky feelings. I had been feeling strong and confident and full of self-love this morning, so I decided to test the waters. And I didn't stay afloat. I started to swim, in emotions and thoughts. And my heart was sinking, pulling me down. I felt a tightening below my xyphoid process, the area associated with grief. I felt a door closing, shutting me out. And another door closing, shutting others out. My first impulse was to get back to my qigong practice, but then I decided to try something I had read about yesterday and played with a bit last night: tonglen.

On Thursday I bought a book called Comfortable with Uncertainty. That morning I had been thinking about my discomfort with uncertainty, so when I saw this book later that day, I couldn't resist. Before going to sleep last night, I read about and practiced tonglen, which involves these 4 steps:

1) Rest your mind for a second or two in a state of openness or stillness.

2) Work with texture. Breathe in a feeling of hot, dark, heavy -- a sense of claustrophobia-- and breathe out a feeling of cool, light, and bright -- a sense of freshness. Breathe in through all the pores of your body and radiate out completely, through all the pores of your body. Do this until your visualization feels synchronized with your in- and out- breaths.

3) Now contemplate any painful situation that's real to you. For example, you can breathe in the hot, dark, constricted feeling of sadness that you feel and breathe out a cool, light sense of joy or space or whatever might provide relief.

4) Widen the circle of compassion by connecting with all those who feel this kind of pain, and extending the wish to help everyone.

Last night this helped. This practice, combined with all the qigong of the day, I think is what helped me sleep so well. 8 hours without waking up. Very uncommon for me.

Today tonglen helped too. I love the way it acknowledges and works with the physical feelings evoked by emotions, and how breathing out the opposite of those feelings of discomfort really does bring relief. And the relief is subtle. Strong but subtle. There's still the acknowledgment of the painful situation and/or the associated feelings, but no longer overwhelming or consuming. Not some extreme manic shift. Just a sense of peace and space to breathe. The clarity to see the other side of the coin....

Sheng Zhen Qigong marathon Part 5: Mohammed Sitting and Standing

I <3 Mohammed.
I think I'm in love.
I love this form.
It's my new favorite.
I'd like to start practicing it.
But I'm concerned I might develop "bad habits" of doing the movements "wrong," since it is difficult to follow along with the DVD and I have never taken a Mohammed Standing workshop. Speaking of which, Sign me up! Surely I would attend.

So what's so great about Mohammed Sitting and Standing? There's a rootedness and an aliveness that comes though the movements and the contemplations. A fullness. Not airy. Not empty. Full and rooted. And it's great for moving energy. It's more active.

I enjoy the largeness of the movements. The pace of the movements. It's what my body needs. And it went along well with how I started my day. I started my day with a Continuum dive. Funny thing happened during open attention; I found myself doing the first move of Kuan Yin Sitting. It felt so natural. It gave me an idea to experiment with warming up for qigong with continuum. And I do think that starting my day with Continuum helped me feel the flow and the freedom within the movements of Mohammed Standing, despite the challenges of following along with the DVD.

The fourth movement of Mohammed Sitting, Attaining Pure Consciousness, was my favorite in this form, at least my favorite today. Bending forward in submission, arms stretched back, trusting that the heart knows what the mind does not yet understand.

And the Third movment of Mohammed STanding, Floating in a Mist of Truth-- wow!
Just be natural. Do whatever feels comfortable...Go wherever you wish to go.
I appreciated this message. But now, as I typed it, I question the "comfortable" part. Physically, yes. But beyond that, sometimes it's better to do what feels uncomfortable or unnatural. How to know when?

When is it good to get out of our comfort zone? Sometimes what's comfortable really is what's right, not just what's safe, not just what's a habit. And how to know when what's safe and what's a habit is what's best? Must we analyze it all, or can we rely on an inner feeling-- people say to follow your heart, follow your feelings. So does the mind and thinking get in the way?

Sometimes it feels so good to release these questions into cyberspace! Sometimes I read them later and am surprised I was even asking them....

somewhere in between

no longer a girl,
but not quite a woman.
still something,
still someone
to grow into.

like a flower that's blooming
but not fully bloomed.

i grow in spurts, then slow motion,
awkward and confused.

here i am.
somewhere in between.

in limbo,
between two worlds,
and i can see
clearly
in which world i belong.

but how do i get there?
is there a workshop for this?
a book i can read?

yes,probably so.
but no, that's not what i need.

it's just a matter of time,
and it's time to go within.
to sit with myself.
to nurture myself.
to
be
my
self.
or my many selves.
to wrap myself up
in a cocoon of patience and love,
to give myself whatever i need,
and to just wait and see
the me i become,
the woman in me.

Sheng Zhen Qigong marathon - to be continued, or not to be continued

My idea to go through all the forms today arose from a panicky state I was in this morning. All it took was Awakening the Soul and Kuan Yin Sitting to calm me down. Nevertheless, I wanted to continue with "the marathon." But Mohamed and Return to Spring will have to wait. Until when? Perhaps tomorrow.....Perhaps not....

Sheng Zhen Qigong marathon Part 4: Jesus Sitting and Standing

Well, I think it's finally happened. I think I've found a friend in Jesus.

I had never practiced Jesus Sitting or Jesus Standing along with the DVD, mostly because-- and this is going to sound very un-sheng-zhen of me, but-- I couldn't stand Jesus's voice. The narrator's voice made me cringe. I can't explain why. But what's important now is that I'm over it. Perhaps all I needed was a dose of Kuan Yin this morning, and 10 days of practicing Jesus Standing, to finally accept this voice without judgment. What a relief that it didn't grate on my nerves and I was able to follow along with the DVD.

I deeply enjoyed Jesus Sitting. Especially the 3rd and final position. The contemplation brought a huge smile to my face, and some laughter.

You are empty in an empty world.

That's my favorite line. It brings a sigh of relief. A lightness. Not an emptiness, but a lightness, a relief. It creates space.

And the feeling it evoked in me reminded me of my laughing fit when a friend said, "there is nothing for you to do, or not do."
nothing to do. nothing to not do. i love it!

As for Jesus Standing, I noticed that there are some slight differences between the DVD and the detailed instruction of how to teach the movements. This reminds me of the importance of going to classes and workshops. Not that I need a reminder; I've been going to as many as I can!

Sheng Zhen Qigong marathon Part 3: Kuan Yin Standing

After Kuan Yin Sitting, I was feeling so much more at ease that I didn't mind at all when my marathon was interrupted by a couple of phone calls and some time with a friend.

The first phone call was from an energy worker who I had emailed this morning, asking her if she might have some availability this week to help bring me back into my body. We ended up having a long discussion about the effects of traveling, especially when traveling to attend energywork classes. So much transformation. But chaos may precede transformation. And we discussed that perhaps I'm being given an opportunity to sit with myself and use the tools I already have without somebody else's help. She said something about it being likely that, because of the car accident, when I'm in chaotic situations, I may have a tendency to leave my body, going out through the top of my head. And I did leave my body twice before/during the car accident, through the right side of the top of my head. She suggested I spend some time with my hands on my head. She also thought the qigong practice would help, and it was helping, but that I need to think more about grounding than about expanding out into the universe. That makes sense to me right now.

We also talked about the importance of nurturing oneself, loving oneself, as we'd nurture and care for and love another. I realized I was hungry. Hadn't been eating enough since getting home, lacking appetite. How easy it is to slip out that state of self-love. It happens. It happens to the best of us. At least I'm aware.

So I put a ring on my finger as a reminder of my commitment to myself. My friend Deborah suggested I do something like this. Something to remind myself to practice qigong every day, no excuses. Something to remind myself that all my actions must stem from love, self-love.

And one of my acts of self-love was allowing an interruption to my qigong marathon. One of my only friends in Anacortes, or perhaps my only friend in Anacortes, asked me to run some errands with her. It felt like the right thing to do. And it was.

Now I'm back at home, and I just practiced Kuan Yin Standing. Nothing much came up during the practice, other than questioning what "hope" means. And when I finished the practice, my body went into open attention, a continuum dive standing up, and then lying down.

I think Qigong and Continuum have a lot in common, once the mind gets out of the way. The qi leads the movement in qigong, and the fluids lead the movement in continuum. No effort. No force. No thought. Just surrendering. Just allowing yourself to be moved.

Sheng Zhen Qigong marathon Part 2: Kuan Yin Sitting

I love Kuan Yin.

Kuan Yin Sitting was the first form of Sheng Zhen Qigong I ever experienced. And it couldn't have come at a better time.

October 2006, I was studying Asian Healing Arts and Healing With Whole Foods at the Heartwood Institute in Garberville, California. Drama was brewing; some of my classmates were problematic. Plus, I was recently divorced and still feeling bitter about it.

I went to this Kuan Yin Sitting workshop, having no clue what it would be like, having no clue that this Qigong would change my life, would start opening my heart, would have these beautiful contemplations and meanings that go along with the movements.

Today as I practice Kuan Yin Sitting, the first thing I notice is that I can hold my arms up overhead for longer without (or with less) discomfort.

Holding the lotus and crossing the ocean, I notice in the mirror that my arms could be up higher. And I remember being told at teacher training that it's time for me to push myself a little more, let go of my self-limitations and self-protecting habits.

Something Master Li has corrected me on several times is my hands, my fingers-- elongating and stretching them out rather than being too relaxed. I remember this during Shadow from Buddha's light. And I FEEL the difference. It's amazing. It's powerful. I feel the qi in my hands- they feel hot and electrified. Alive.


Looking to Heaven and Returning to Oneness always reminds me of being at Heartwood. The contemplation is all about forgiveness, and the line between love and hate. I remember how I'd always think of one of my classmates that I was in conflict with, when the meditation speaks of imagining the enemy, and loving and forgiving the enemy. And then one day instead of imagining this other person, when I heard the words, "Imagine being the enemy," I realized that I am my own worst enemy. Aren't we all? Getting in the way of ourselves? So now this movement and its contemplation helps me look inward and reminds me of the importance of self-forgiveness.

Just now I'm reminded too of how not forgiving others is just self-punishment. One of my friends recently went through a painful break-up, and she said she doesn't want to forgive her ex, that he doesn't deserve her forgiveness, or that somehow forgiving him would be like saying what he did was ok. What she fails to realize is that all this hatred she's feeling towards him, all the negativity she was sending his way, it was all just eating her up, doing her damage, not him. Forgiving and loving someone doesn't mean you have to like that person-- This is a huge topic. I could go on and on, but I won't. At least not right now.... I've still got a ton more forms to practice today!

But first, some more observations from Kuan Yin Sitting...

The 12th movement, Rain Shower of Apricot Blossoms-- Finally, a smile. A genuine smile. A radiant glow. My doom and gloom and heaviness was fading, or gone. I felt calm. I felt happy. This movement "represents the fully realized happiness you experience when you become one with heaven." Not so sure I became one with heaven, but this movement truly did stimulate a smile and feeling of lightness and happiness. A feeling of relief and peace. Joy and enjoyment.

Ok, that's all on Kuan Yin Sitting for now....

Sheng Zhen Qigong marathon Part 1: Awakening the Soul

Since returning home from Austin, I've been struggling quite a bit. I don't feel I've fully returned. Today is my first day to be in the quiet of my own home without a list of things to do or calls to make. I woke up feeling anxious and angry, so I went for a walk. On this walk I found myself questioning everything: what I believe, who I am, what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I want. I felt I was having a bit of an identity crisis. And while questioning all my belief systems and practices, suddenly I realized that the only belief system or part of myself that I wasn't questioning was Sheng Zhen Qigong.

And then it hit me: perhaps Sheng Zhen provides all the answers, or at least the soothing big picture so that some if not all of those questions and/or desires for answers fade away.

So I decided to see what happens to all this uneasiness I've been feeling, if I go through all of the Sheng Zhen forms. In one day. A Sheng Zhen marathon. Something I've never done.

In a parallel universe I'm still in Austin, and I'm attending the Southwest Symposium, practicing Healing Qigong all day long. So in this universe I'm dedicating my day to going through all the forms. And writing about it wasn't part of the original plan, but after completing Awakening the Soul, I felt inspired to write. I felt inspired to share.

Awakening the Soul

One must practice to keep the heart open To become rooted in the bliss at the core

This is one of my favorite Sheng Zhen messages. It's such a good reminder. Every time I hear it, I either smile inside, pleased with myself that I am practicing and that I am becoming rooted in the bliss at the core, OR I sort of laugh at myself and say, "oh, yeah, duh!"

Sometimes I forget. Sometimes I stop practicing. Sometimes I slip into an abyss of doubts. Sometimes I forget about the importance of building my foundation, loving myself, forgiving myself. Sometimes I forget that if I'm rooted in the bliss at the core, what others say or do will neither severely depress me nor severley elevate me. Middle path. Middle way. Steady amidst the waves.

don Miguel Ruiz says to take nothing personally. Even good things. When somebody doesn't like you, so what? When someone does like you, so what? When you don't get hired after an interview, so what? When you do get hired after an interview, so what? When your class is full, so what? When your class is empty, so what? It's all the same. You can take it or leave it. As long as you're doing your best. As long as you love yourself. As long as you accept yourself.

I started Awakening the Soul with a heavy heart. And ended it with one too. And that's ok. That's part of life. Opening the heart felt forced. Love descending on me brought strength. Unravelling the heart brought some tears. Suddenly lifting the veil, I realized my back wasn't elongated, and when I opened up and stretched out more, I felt more confident. Holding the heavens grounded on earth always reminds me of my car accident, as I had to hold myself up while waiting for help to arrive, and today I was pleased by the ease with which I held this position. Freeing oneself to become a saint reminded me of the importance of becoming rooted in the bliss at the core. Walking to the center of heaven did nothing for me. Returning to the origin, I finally felt some calm and peace settling in, and then I felt inspired to write....

Sometimes I forget

Sometimes fear takes over and I forget that uncertainty and the unknown can be exciting. I forget about the benefits of mystery and surprise. Uncertainty and the unknown can be wonderfully exciting and liberating instead of, or IN ADDITION to, being scary. Sometimes I forget that.

And sometimes I forget that sometimes the questions are more important than the answers. Sometimes this is related to uncertainty and the unknown. The answers to some questions aren't always clear. And even when they are, for how long will they remain? Things change. All we have is this moment. Sometimes I want to know what the future holds. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I want to know what things mean. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I want to talk everything out and analyze things to death-- Sometimes I forget about that "death" part; sometimes I forget that striving to understand everything is not only tiring at times but also takes away from those elements of surprise and mystery that go along with uncertainty.

Sometimes I forget what I wanted to say. Sometimes I forget to shut my mouth or keep my laptop closed. Sometimes I forget to just sit with myself. Sometimes I forget about the benefits of patience and silence and stillness and time.....

a rude lie or an honest prayer?

a telemarketer just called me. not sure how they got my cell phone number. this woman says that she heard i'm looking for more ways to generate income. i cut her off and coldly say that i'm not looking for anything.

what a load of crap! or is it? i'm not looking for anything. is that true? is it what i want to be true?

what would life be like without searching or seeking or looking for anything? is that even life?!

this morning....

I wake up at 2; it's like waking up at 4. Perhaps my soul hasn't caught up with my body. My body's back on Mercer Island, but part of me remains in Austin or is in transit.

I fall asleep again, at least I think I do. Eventually it is 5, and I feel as though I didn't sleep more. I tossed and turned so frequently.

I had fallen asleep the first time so peacefully. But in the morning anxiety crept back in. Busy mind. Achy heart.

Time passes. My heart opens and closes. My mind fills and empties. Busy. Not busy. Happy. Sad. Calm. Agitated. Present. Past? Present. Future?

I see an open coin purse lying on the floor. It brings me back into the present and reminds me of openness. I smile. I feel calm. I write an email about it and end up getting upset again. setting myself up again.

i send the email. then i wonder. am i really angry at anyone other than myself? yeah, so what! no, why bother?

finally it's 9 a.m. and i can start distracting myself with business calls. and then my dad distracts me and i'm irritated. he's about to leave for work, so i talk to him for a few minutes, but i'm closed off and impatient. i tell him i have to make some calls. and as i walk away, i think, "no i don't. the calls can wait. what if he dies today and i just missed out on spending a few minutes of quality time with him?" but i make my calls anyway, even though he's still sitting by the door, waiting to leave. and then i hear him call out to me, while i'm in the middle of checking messages. i feel irritated and hang up the phone. i go to where he is to say goodbye, but in a cold and hurried way. what's my problem?

i'm pissed off. at who? at what? why?

i make some calls and then i start gathering up my stuff; i'm getting ready to leave, to go to some appointments and then go back to anacortes.

after bringing all my stuff upstairs, i soften. my mom is standing there. i tell her i need a hug. her hug feels distant. i start to cry. but not because of that.

i tell her i'm angry and stressed and sad.

she asks me why.

she asks me who i'm angry at.

i say mostly myself.

anyone else? she asks.

well, i thought so, but then i wondered why. what's the point? what a waste of energy. anger is real; anger is there, but why direct it at anyone else? why direct it at myself? why not just feel it? does it need a target?

she agrees it's a waste of energy. but i know she feels a lot of anger too. but i don't deepen the conversation. instead i walk away, heading down the stairs, saying "i just wish i were blissfully ignorant!" and then i call up from below, "or blissfully enlightened?"

my mom follows me and says, "i know what you need."

"what?"

"the onion."

she thinks reading to me from the onion will make me laugh. i don't think it will.

she says she's going to read me something and it will make me laugh.

I whine, "Noooooo."

she laughs. she thinks i'm saying that i don't want to laugh. but then i explain i don't want her to read. i explain that reading the onion will make her laugh, not me.
"not that i don't want YOU to laugh," i add. and so she reads silently to herself and laughs out loud.

and now here i am, writing this instead of spending time with my mom before i leave. i hear her playing piano. i want to go home. i want to go back to anacortes. i want to go back to austin. i don't want to go anywhere.

on 2nd thought....

maybe age is meaningful. maybe age matters. numbers. phases. cycles....

but the meaning and matter has shifted and deepened. no longer about expectations (my own or others') about what should be, who i'm supposed to be, do, or have.

that's one reason i left law school. and my marriage. i felt i was on a conveyor belt. my future, and the necessary steps to get there, were all laid out. but it wasn't what i wanted. it wasn't right for me.

and it may have set me back a bit, developmentally, taken some time out of the 7 year phase that's for finding what you love. or perhaps those years with my ex and in the legal field were part of that phase. perhaps i needed all of that for clarity and to set me straight and send me towards--- what? who? where? when?

grounding, centering, opening up, and trusting.....

Happy Half-Birthday to Me!

6 months left of my twenties.

This brings a grin to my face.

Not that age really matters or means anything.

But I've been looking forward to my thirties for years.

Not with expectations, at least not anymore.

In the past I did expect to feel more "settled" in my thirties.

I thought I'd be starting a family.

I'm grateful for how things have changed.

So many unexpected twists and turns.

I'm grateful for where life has taken me.

Internally and externally.

Waking up in Austin today.

Not quite believing that I'm leaving.

Not quite believing I could stay.