Deciding to Go

Last weekend my grandfather went into hospice. When I heard the news, I knew I had to go see him. So I called my grandmother to check in with her. She advised me not to go.
“I hate to tell you not to come, Becky. I really do. Because I love you, and I would love to see you, but it’s not a good time. Wait until things get better.”
But as she told me a little bit about how my grandfather was doing, I realized it wasn’t going to get better, and so I called her on that.
“You’re telling me to wait for a better time to come, but--”
“I think the time has passed,” she said.
“Well then, I want to come now,” I said.
“I really think you’ll be upset when you see him. I really think it’s better for you to remember him as he was, Becky.”
I told her I’d sit with that, that maybe she was right. Perhaps there was some wisdom in her words. After all, in that same phone call she did spout of plenty of positive words of wisdom, encouraging me to live life to the fullest, that now is the time to go out there and do things, to take risks. She encouraged me to leave Anacortes, to live in Seattle, to focus on my writing. So for the next few days I sat with her words. I questioned my impulse to visit.
Did I really need to go? Why go? Out of guilt? No. Out of obligation? No. But it took me a few days to remember the clarity of that original need to go, when I had first heard the news. And what was fueling that desire, that crystal clear “I’ve gotta go,” was love. As I remembered this I also remembered the importance of making decisions that are love-based, rather than fear-based.
The only reasons for not going to visit my grandfather were fear based: should I really cancel my clients and classes? How will that affect my clients and students? What if it is more upsetting than I can imagine? What if I am better off remembering him as he was, and not seeing him how he is now? (but I still will remember him as he was, and I’m already imagining him as he is now, so what’s the difference? ) What if I don’t like staying with my aunt and uncle? What if the negativity and stress of my relatives affects me negatively? Is this going to be draining for me? Etcetera, etcetera, bullshit. What a bunch of fear-based bullshit.
What matters most is love. As I drove down from Anacortes to Seattle yesterday, I realized that there was no need to sit with this question any longer. It was time to do what I knew was right. No more worrying about what my clients or students would think or feel about me canceling on them. No more worrying about if going would actually be bad for me. As soon as I got to Seattle, I would buy my ticket and cancel all my appointments and classes for the next week or two. And so that’s exactly what I did. And what a relief it is to embrace this freedom I have to leave for a week of two, rather than feel enslaved. Oooooh, just might have to write about this whole freedom/enslavement thing in more depth some time.....But for now, this is all.

© 2010 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.