But not just any scream
A blood curdling scream
I want to scream a blood curdling scream
The kind of scream that would make people wonder,
come running, rushing to check on me,
or even call 911
But that's the last thing I want,
to disturb and so then be disturbed,
interrupted
And not wanting that interruption,
not wanting to disturb others resulting in them disturbing me,
interrupting my process,
trying to silence my expression,
or unintentionally doing so without trying,
just simply by their presence--
all of that keeps me from screaming how I want to scream, keeps me from screaming at all.
Yesterday morning I wanted to cry,
and wave my fists in the air
along with a toddler who was crying.
Why can't I throw a tantrum?
Just because I'm bigger than you?
That's what I asked, and that made me laugh. But
really I wanted to cry.
* * *
I'm surprised that that's what I just wrote. I wrote it in the "Notes" of my iPod while lying in bed, unable to fall asleep. And then I got out of bed to post it here. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised. There's been a whirlwind of activity and changes lately, all good, but it's a lot. Lots of positive stresses. And yes, sometimes I want to scream. The thing is, what I wrote above isn't just about that. It actually started with bumping my head before getting into bed, and while doing some self-care energy work/craniosacral on it, some thoughts, memories and feelings around the car accident I was in in '96 got stirred up. I basically self-induced a somatoemotional release which lead to some crying and then this urge to scream, but thinking I better not at midnight in my shared housing arrangement, and then those words above started coming. It amazes me how after all these years, stuff just keeps coming up around the car accident. Less and less over the years for sure. But I wonder tonight, will it ever end? Or is it just the gift that keeps on giving? And I mean that sincerely, when I use the word "gift." Perhaps more on that, another time....
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