in a parallel universe

In a parallel universe, I arrived in Croatia today, excited for another Sheng Zhen Qigong teacher training. Excited to leave Hvar a couple of days early, to take a boat from Split to Ancona. A pilgrimage to one of Venus's temples. And then a train to Rome to one of Saturn's temples. And then a plane to Malta to visit my cousin. Taking photographs of myself, the happy woman I've become, to replace photographs of the unhappy teenager I was the last time I was in Malta.

In a parallel universe, I live on Mercer Island. I bought a house there instead of Guemes Island. Instead of Anacortes. I have a large mortgage, but I make more money, so it all evens out. More or less.

In a parallel universe, I finished law school, got a job at a law firm, and hate life.

In a parallel universe, I'm dead and gone.

But in this universe, I'm alive and well. Sometimes I feel a lightness, joy, gratitude over this. But sometimes I feel a heaviness, an extra burden, like I better figure out why I survived my accident, what my purpose is, and better make the most of this 2nd chance at life.

In this universe, I dropped out of law school, went to Heartwood, and started my own healing arts business.

In this universe, I'm living in Anacortes, in a super cute house. I don't worry about a mortgage. Feeling secure. More or less.

In this universe, I'm relieved to be back from California and just staying home, instead of traveling--

And yet there's a part of me that isn't settling in. There's a part of me that's sad, that's mourning some loss. A part of me that's restless and a little nervous about not having any trips planned until October. There's a part of me that's not here and doesn't want to be here. And although that part of me is much smaller, and less often present, than the part of me that is settling in and happy to be here, loving life and living it with arms wide open, that small part of me, when it does speak up, it does so loudly and threatens to take over.

In a parallel universe, this doesn't bother me. And in this universe, I'm learning to accept all these parts of myself, all these universes. And the more I do, the less bothered I am by any of it. The more I just observe. Just notice. The more present I am, the less I judge, and the less I even think about parallel universes.

© 2009 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.