Yes, Hungarian. Since my Hungarian ex-husband and I split, in 2005, I've continued to sometimes think in Hungarian. I've usually said it's mostly when I'm irritated (i.e. muttering insults under my breath when a bad driver cuts me off in traffic). But what I've realized recently is that I also think in Hungarian when I'm feeling a lot of love and affection for someone (i.e. terms of endearment).
I'm in L.A., staying with Galit and Robi, who speak Hungarian to each other and to their 20-month-old son Misi (s=sh). I like hearing it, and it's amazing how much I understand what they're saying. I met Galit my first day at Hampshire College. We became the best of friends right away. She was a clown. I was afraid of clowns. She was a comedian. I loved to laugh. She was a Pisces. I was a Virgo. We looked somewhat alike. It was perfect.
Right before our last year of school, she married her Hungarian guy, and we all lived together, along with another friend. At their wedding was where I met my ex. I started learning Hungarian right away and loved it. It was fun! And funny. I loved making up words, like combining the words for "cow" and "baby" instead of learning the word for "veal." I loved the way some of the words sounded, especially words with "cs" for some reason (cs=ch). Kivancsi. Kecske. Csucs. What else?
Misi lights up when I speak to him in Hungarian, calling him things like "kis majom" (little monkey). I look at him and think about how in a parallel universe, I'd be pregnant right about now. Speaking Hungarian to my own little baby. That had been the plan. But it wasn't meant to be. Despite how dangerously cute our children would have been, my ex-husband and I are on such different planets/paths now that I am so grateful we said goodbye when we did. But before we said goodbye, I was deeply influenced by this relationship; he was my first love (at least what I thought of as "love" at the time). And so Hungarian did become my language of love, the language in which to express terms of endearment. Sounds strange to me to say "sweetie," but "edeske" rolls off the tip of my tongue. So although there's a lot that I learned at that time that I needed to unlearn, the language has remained a deeply ingrained part of me. And I'm realizing now that that's not such a bad thing. It used to bother me. But not anymore. Although Hungarian's not super useful language, I do still care about and keep in touch with my ex, his family (puszi, eszter!), and his friends (szia puli!)-- and Galit and Robi and Misi of course. So whatever....I'm relieved that it no longer stirs up a sense of loss, but instead brings a smile to my face and reminds me how lucky I am, not only to have experienced all I did in that relationship (good and bad), but that it all worked out by not working out. All is just as it should be. Es nem akarom hurkat. (Andi, you remember that? ;))
© 2010 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.
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