The Burning Bed

Ok, so it wasn't really a bed, but that sounds so much better than "The Burning Massage Table," and although I certainly never would, I've heard some people refer to massage tables as beds. So there.

Now, what is this blog entry about? It's about a dream!

I had a dream that my massage table was on fire. Actually, there was just a fire underneath it, and it wasn't exactly my table, but it was a table in an office that I was apparently using and sharing with other therapists. This massage room I walked into looked like an office but with a few massage tables all in a row. Not an ideal work environment. It's one thing to have lack of privacy at a retreat center like Esalen, but to have a set up like that in some high rise building, clinical setting? Yuck. Not my cup of tea.

A couple of people (a friend and also one of the other therapists?) were waiting for me outside. I was looking for something in the room before leaving, and blowing out candles (unless the blowing out candles was in another dream, or both dreams...).

There was something I was looking for, not sure what, but I couldn't find it. My vision even started to fade, and occasionally little dots of light would appear. I wondered if I was getting a migraine or about to black out. I called out to whoever was waiting for me that I needed some help, that I couldn't see right, and now I also felt that my leg was extremely hot, as if it were burning.

The friends, or whoever they were, came into the room and saw that under the massage table I was standing right next to, there was a little fire. The blanket over the table went almost all the way down to the floor,  giving it more of a bed-like appearance, so it was not so obvious at first. But apparently I'd knocked a candle over and it rolled under the table and started a little fire.

I looked for a fire extinguisher. Not sure if I found one, but either the fire got put out or the dream ended.

I woke up a little overheated, needing to remove one of my blankets.

Although fire dreams are sometimes just about being overheated in bed, I think this dream had much more significance than that.

Without even consulting a dream dictionary, it was clear to me that this had to do with having just talked about leaving massage behind. But out of curiosity, I consulted an online dream dictionary. It said that the fire can symbolize something in your life that has recently been destroyed, and oftentimes as of yesterday (the day leading up to that night's dream). And that "yesterday" for me involved two different conversations in which I said very clearly that I'll maintain my license, probably be open to some trades and working with some people, but I'm done with the massage "business" for at least awhile, if not forever or at least until I have the right office and can clearly define my niche. I feel that my heart must be in it, and lately it just hasn't been. Don't get me wrong; when I'm in the flow with a receptive client or trading with a friend, my heart is certainly in it. But I don't feel the passion and drive required to actively build up this part of my practice and attract new clients. And so it's time for me to focus now on where my true passions lie: qigong and writing.

And so it is.

Later that day, my Sheng Zhen Gong master said that when I'm in Austin he'll help me with my movements when we take breaks from working on revising one of his books. What a gift! I get to work on writing website content and a book revision for Sheng Zhen, and receive extra corrections directly from the master? Yes! And I am grateful.

These two Sheng Zhen writing projects falling into my lap also goes to show the power of the mind, and of words. In addition to saying that I'm going to focus on qigong and writing, over the past couple of months I've been practicing saying, and thinking, "I am a writer." And voila! Soon after I started declaring that, yes, I am a writer, I was asked to edit previously written content for the new website, and then asked to be in charge of writing new content as well, and now asked to help with revising the next edition of one of our main books. It's a very good feeling to step into these roles, this role as "a writer."

So, what about my other writing projects? My books in progress? They're still there.  They're still here. I'll still work on them, little by little, one by one. And as long as I'm writing, and writing about something I love, and I sure do love Sheng Zhen Gong, I'll feel that I'm truly living my creative dreams. And how wonderful to combine two of my biggest, most important dreams: writing something that will reach many people and help them AND spreading Sheng Zhen.

What a blessing.

Behold the power of that burning bed, that fire energy! Sometimes one thing must be destroyed, for another to be created. Sometimes we must let go of one thing to make space for another. From now on, this example of the burning bed is going to stick with me, helping me trust in this power and the magical transformations that can result from fire, whether as a destructive force or as passion in the heart, or, as in this case, both.

© 2012 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

The Search

Yesterday after lunch, I decided to spend the rest of lunch break exploring the grounds surrounding Rosemary Heights Retreat Center. After getting a map, I headed out of the main building but didn't make it very far before stopping in my tracks. There was a basket with some labeled rocks (i.e. "Sorrow" written on the rock) and a sign explaining that these were for contemplative walks. Although the Sorrow rock had the most attractive penmanship, I was drawn to a white rock that said "SEARCH." Maybe because I'm just a few minutes away from the town of white rock. Maybe because the rock was somewhat heart-shaped. Maybe because of the word; as I picked it up, I asked myself, "What am I searching for?"

I took the rock in my hand; it was just the perfect size to fill up my palm but still be able to wrap my fingers around it. It was cool to the touch. It was grounding. So with rock in one hand, map in the other, I continued along the paved path and then headed off into the grass, down the hill, and into a trail. The map was unclear to me, so I decided to just follow my feeling as I looked to the left and to the right. Left was very slightly down hill and more towards the sound of traffic. Right was very slightly uphill and looked like it probably went deeper into the forest. Despite the noise of cars and my desire for quiet nature, I felt my body being drawn to the left. Probably because of that teeny tiny slight down-hill slope; the morning's qigong practice had been physically demanding.

Within less than a minute or two though, I discovered that going to the left took me to the end of the trail! So it was back to the right, into the woods, away from the cars. Good. And as I studied the map, I realized that I didn't really need a map. There was just one big loop around the property. I wondered if there were other trails though, not on that map, going off of that loop trail.

I was loving the greenery and the smell of the forest, but I was a little bit chilly and got a mosquito bite, and then maybe 5 minutes into my walk I saw something through a fence, something near one of the retreat center buildings: a playground! A swing set! And it was in the sunshine!

I got excited.

I realized that that was what I really wanted. To swing on a swing. And to be in the sun.

And with rock in my hand, I turned right around, hurried back down the path, walked through the grass and up around the building to the swings. Sitting on the swings, I noticed something: the fence was busted open right near the swing set.

I laughed. First because I thought maybe somebody on the trail, excited as I was to see the playground, decided to break the fence to get to it more quickly. And then because when I walked over to it, I saw that there was a tiny trail, coming off of the main trail, going directly to the opening in the fence. If I had just gone a little bit farther before turning around, I would have seen that.

But it was perfect just as it was, with me rushing through the trail to get back up to that playground. It gave me more time to contemplate that contemplative rock in my hand, that question about searching. And clearly, what I found was my joy and excitement at the thought of just playing, and being in the sun. It turned out that taking a serious contemplative walk, or taking a walk with an agenda, whether to contemplate or commune with nature, wasn't really what I wanted. Although by doing that, I did find an answer to that question of what I was searching for: playfulness, childlike joy, freedom, and warmth.

© 2012 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

One of THOSE People

I've become one of those people. One of those people who drives worse in the sun than in the rain. And by worse, I mean under the speed limit and for no good obvious reason.

I never even noticed this about Seattle drivers until this past year. I'd find myself sort of laughing at them and wondering if they're blinded by the sun, or distracted by looking around at what a beautiful day it is, or just in shock and disoriented so not functioning properly. I figured it was probably some combination of factors. But whatever it was, I didn't like it, at least not if I was in a hurry.

So recently when I found myself driving only 52 mph on the I-90 bridge, I couldn't believe it. My jaw dropped. And then I laughed at myself, "I've become one of them!" And what I realized was that it was a combination of things. I was distracted by the blue sky AND feeling a different type of happiness and peacefulness that included simply not caring about getting anywhere right on time. Actually, "not caring" isn't actually the right way to put it. Perhaps it was more about just being in the present, living in the now. Not being so focused on where I was going and when I needed to get there. But just enjoying the drive and the scenery. 

And realizing that now, I'm thinking that maybe it's not so bad being one of THOSE people who drive under the speed limit when there's no traffic. Maybe we're actually driving better, not worse. Why not take more time getting from point A to point B? Just leave earlier, when possible. Take more time to take in your surroundings and enjoy the journey. And drive in the slow lane if you're going to drive under the speed limit. Yes, Seattle-lites. There is such a thing. It's the lane the farthest to the right. Use it! And I will too, now that I'm one of you.

 

© 2012 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.

Messages from Earth and Eagle, with a side of Monkey-mind

Lying belly-down on the ground, head turned to one side, as if I'm listening to the earth. This is one of my favorite things. Discovered this just a few months ago. I'm almost 33.

Speaking of age, just recently I realized that I might be alive for another 70 years. SEVENTY YEARS. Especially with all the qigong I do; they say, or specifically, Dr. Oz says, if you want to live to be 100, practice qigong. I'm not a big Dr. Oz fan, other than that I'm a fan of anyone who promotes qigong. So thank you, Dr. Oz. And yes, 70 years. It's quite possible. And that's a ridiculously long time! So with that realization I realized that after living my life with more of an attitude of that every day could be my last, I want to see what it's like to live from this perspective of that I still have a crazy amount of time left to pursue all these numerous ideas and interests of mine. I suppose that exact same thing could happen from either perspective except for now I suddenly feel as if I potentially have so much time left on this planet that there's no limit to what I can do, especially in the context of variety. Sure it's good to focus on one thing, or maybe two ;), at a time, to follow through to completion. But if I focus on something for 1 year, 2 years, even 5 years, heck, even 10 years, that's still several different projects/careers/lives.

But that's not what I sat down to write about. I got up from lying down to sit down to write about lying down, belly down, outside, in the sun, on the grass, with elbows bent, palms down and near the head, head turned to one side, ear to the earth. Listening. Feeling. Feeling the earth, feeling the living quality of the earth. Feeling as if the earth is breathing. Or is that just me breathing? Or are we both breathing? Feeling the warmth. Feeling my body melt into the earth, feeling as if the earth gives way a bit to accommodate and cradle my body. Feeling a connection to this other form of life. It's almost as good as lying on top of another person, being held. Maybe even better. But no, just different. Each form of connection is unique and offers something the other cannot fully offer. Unless of course you view everything as one, and truly feel that, embody that, no separation, no duality, no evaluation, no preferences even--

 WOW! A bald eagle just flew into a tree nearby and is screaming like I've never heard before.  And that reminds me where I was going with this. What did I hear? What did I hear with my ear to the ground? I heard the word, "write."

It's been a few weeks since my last entry. I've been reading about screen writing, but not doing much writing. It's time to begin again though. To commit. To shit or get off the pot. And now that the weather is decent, I think that lying belly down in the ground is how I'll recharge my batteries when taking writing breaks from now on, because unlike a couch, the Earth will actually tell me when it's time to get back up and write. And so I will. And I will daily. Write. And I'll even consider what the Eagle says, which is to work smarter, not harder.

I look up in the tree now and can actually see the eagle eating a fish. Amazing! And now I'll follow her lead. It's dinner time.

© 2012 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.