I took the rock in my hand; it was just the perfect size to fill up my palm but still be able to wrap my fingers around it. It was cool to the touch. It was grounding. So with rock in one hand, map in the other, I continued along the paved path and then headed off into the grass, down the hill, and into a trail. The map was unclear to me, so I decided to just follow my feeling as I looked to the left and to the right. Left was very slightly down hill and more towards the sound of traffic. Right was very slightly uphill and looked like it probably went deeper into the forest. Despite the noise of cars and my desire for quiet nature, I felt my body being drawn to the left. Probably because of that teeny tiny slight down-hill slope; the morning's qigong practice had been physically demanding.
Within less than a minute or two though, I discovered that going to the left took me to the end of the trail! So it was back to the right, into the woods, away from the cars. Good. And as I studied the map, I realized that I didn't really need a map. There was just one big loop around the property. I wondered if there were other trails though, not on that map, going off of that loop trail.
I was loving the greenery and the smell of the forest, but I was a little bit chilly and got a mosquito bite, and then maybe 5 minutes into my walk I saw something through a fence, something near one of the retreat center buildings: a playground! A swing set! And it was in the sunshine!
I got excited.
I realized that that was what I really wanted. To swing on a swing. And to be in the sun.
And with rock in my hand, I turned right around, hurried back down the path, walked through the grass and up around the building to the swings. Sitting on the swings, I noticed something: the fence was busted open right near the swing set.
I laughed. First because I thought maybe somebody on the trail, excited as I was to see the playground, decided to break the fence to get to it more quickly. And then because when I walked over to it, I saw that there was a tiny trail, coming off of the main trail, going directly to the opening in the fence. If I had just gone a little bit farther before turning around, I would have seen that.
But it was perfect just as it was, with me rushing through the trail to get back up to that playground. It gave me more time to contemplate that contemplative rock in my hand, that question about searching. And clearly, what I found was my joy and excitement at the thought of just playing, and being in the sun. It turned out that taking a serious contemplative walk, or taking a walk with an agenda, whether to contemplate or commune with nature, wasn't really what I wanted. Although by doing that, I did find an answer to that question of what I was searching for: playfulness, childlike joy, freedom, and warmth.
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