Moody

When I was a little girl, probably around 7 years old, one of my friend's parents said I was moody. And she said it in a way so as to shame me or criticize me or alert my mother to something being wrong with me. Of course my mom didn't think there was anything wrong with me. My mom's awesome! She thought there was something wrong with my friend's mom for saying it. But at the time I didn't get that. Instead I internalized this criticism, this shaming around moodiness and changing my mind, and I suppose even around listening to my gut.

This woman said I was moody because I had gone from having a great time playing with her daughter, and even planning to spend the night, to suddenly wanting to go home. What she didn't know was that I wanted to go home because I felt uncomfortable with the way her daughter and son were playing doctor.

Instead of telling her why I wanted to go home, I probably just said I didn't feel well or "just because." Who knows what I said? What is a little girl supposed to say at that age when something seems off and makes her uncomfortable? Does she even have the words? I often said I didn't feel good, or that I felt sick, all throughout childhood, to get myself out of situations where I felt anxiety or other uncomfortable emotions. In a sense it was true; my stomach didn't feel right. My gut was telling me something.

Now, could I have said "I want to go home now because I got a strange vibe from your kids?" I don't think so, because I don't even think I fully understood it until much later. It was just a feeling. And honestly, nothing blatantly "wrong" happened; it was just a vibe. I'm sensitive. And perceptive. And always have been.

Unfortunately, people like this lady have said things to raise self-doubt, and even to think there's something wrong with changing my mind, listening to my gut, or being moody.

Being moody.

What does that even mean?

Moody means having unpredictable changes of mood, especially sudden bouts of gloominess. Well, yes, that happens, except for now I have sudden bouts of cheerfulness more often than gloominess. Thankfully. But I think what moodiness comes down to is emotional fluctuations. And unpredictable ones. So what? Why is that such a bad thing?

The word "moody" has such a negative connotation, doesn't it? It implies instability. And that's scary to most people. Maybe I'm one of those people.

So I don't know if it's a label I want, regardless of how I define or re-define the word. I really just think of my self as a stable but fluid, sensitive being. I know what's up. I'm quite grounded in my "moodiness," if that's what we're gonna call it. I'm pretty good at being my own observer and witness. In fact, if anything, I'm starting to think I'm not moody enough! I still suppress some of my feelings, emotions, moods, usually without realizing it, but sometimes intentionally. Probably at least partially because I don't want to be perceived as moody, no thanks to that lady and who knows what other situations influenced me at a young age or even later on.

But come to think of it, I'd rather be perceived as moody than be untrue to my feelings. Of course I'd still like to be perceived as stable, but have this fear that if I'm as transparent as I'd actually like to be, nobody will be able to handle it. "You can't handle the truth!" I hear Jack Nicholson saying as I write that. And it's true. Most people can't. But, again, so what? I've always thought of myself as blatantly honest, and I certainly am compared to others, but apparently I'm not to my fullest, deepest, truest capacity. And now is the time to be.

© 2012 Rebecca Clio Gould. All rights reserved.