Bed bugs?!?!

Maybe they're not spider bites.
The number of bites is just too much. I don't think it's something that a spider or two would do.
Maybe I have bed bugs!

Why am I blogging about this?

Enough!

AA

How does a support group for people who are "aware" sound?
My friend called tonight, saying that she feels like she could use one. Sometimes I do too.

recount

so i just took a look at my back in the mirror, and i was wrong about having a dozen new bites.
there are 20, yes 20, 20 bites, just on my back, just from last night. it's ridiculous. and somewhat shocking to see.
:(

all bitten up

It started with 4.
4 spider bites.
For the first time in a year of living here, my first spider bites while sleeping here.
And then there were two more.
AND THEN, today, I wake up with nearly a dozen new bites!
I'm thinking that Mr. Spider must have brought a friend along last night.

Why?
Perhaps because I haven't been very creative lately. Spider medicine is partially about creativity. So I'm thinking these spider bites are to motivate some creativity, or at least to remind me not to ignore my creative urges.

Or maybe those spiders feasted upon me simply because I'm so sweet.

I don't know.

But I do know that I'm itchy. And maybe that's all I need to know; maybe I don't need to analyze it-- Or maybe I do! Maybe it's my nature to analyze, since I'm a Virgo. Or maybe all that Virgo stuff is a bunch of garbage that's just programmed me to believe certain things about myself that don't necessarily need to be true. But maybe it is true. What is truth? Is it anything more than a belief?

another good day

After a week of being a bit of a social butterfly, my plan for today and tomorrow was to just stay home, mostly planted on my couch or in my yard, reading. I didn't feel drained or in need of two days like this. It was just an idea.

So I started my day on my couch reading. Actually, I started my day with some gluten-free brownie batter (shhhhh! don't tell; i'm supposed to be a health-nut.).

And then I felt compelled to play dress-up. No one to see. No place to go. Just felt like getting dolled up, so I straightened some of my hair and put on some purple eyeliner, some lip gloss, some hoop earrings. It felt good. After last month's makeup ban, I've been coming to realize that part of the fun and joy of being a girl, and being a woman, is to do our hair, put on make-up and jewelry, get dressed up. It's not something I want to do all the time or put much time and energy into on a regular basis. But this is part of the fullness of life. Part of expressing my femininity. And if feels damn good!

So after playing dress-up, although I thought I was all dressed up with no place to go, I found out that my friends in Seattle were going to a show tonight. Since I don't have any work tomorrow, I figured why not go down to Seattle?! :)

After talking to my friends on the phone and making some Seattle plans for tomorrow, I read some more while sitting outside.

Then I went for a walk across the street to a garden arts fair. I ran into a man from Guemes Island. He and his wife lived near me when I lived there. He offered me a free bead. I picked one out, and he turned it into a necklace for me. I continued down the street to an antique shop to buy a wooden mermaid I can keep in my pocket.

When I returned home, I cooked some salmon and steamed veggies, and my friend came over for a short walk. We talked about relationships and traveling.

After she left, I enjoyed another conversation on the phone.

Now I am going to Seattle to dance the night away, and then spend tomorrow with my mom after getting a massage from one of my favorite massage therapists.

[sigh]

Man, I love my life.

15 hours, Mulally-style

5:30 a.m.-7 a.m.: wake up, stretch, breathe, go to pool. practice breathing under water, wonder if it's better for my eyes to be opened or closed under water, float around and just play for awhile, want to be a mermaid, want to swim with dolphins, want to go to the pool 2-3 times a week.

8:30 a.m.: conversation with laura, first about qigong and then about opportunities and focus (or lack of focus) and why i'm not writing and why i feel i should be writing and pressure. do i think i have more opportunities than others? do i think i owe a debt because i survived my car accident? have i felt a sense of pressure ever since my accident? yes, i have. and with that realization, i feel a lump in my throat, i feel on the verge of tears, i feel the pressure lightening up and releasing me.

9 a.m.- 12 pm: drive to seattle, meet renee outside of the courthouse, go up and see my dad's new chambers, go to the seattle library with renee (first time inside this new building). being in the library feels like being in the future. i look down from the 5th floor and ask renee if anybody's ever jumped over the railing, we talk about our sometimes morbid thoughts and go up to the top floor, walk through library pretty fast so that i can get back to my car, say goodbye to renee and go back to car.

12-1 pm: go to whole foods to get something salty and something with protein. i discover that mary's gone crackers has put out a new product that are like pretzl sticks, so i try them and like them. leave whole foods and drive to zoo area for craniosacral review and session with a t.a. get there early and call my brother. find out he and his fiance are planning a trip to brazil in february and i'm invited. do i cancel one of the trips planned for january and march, or do i do them all? typical. once again i'm questioning travel opportunities. i want to delete the word "opportunity" from my vocabulary. it's starting to sound like a bad word. how crazy is that?!

1-3:15pm: craniosacral review goes well. in craniosacral session, the therapist says, "your sacrum is like a puppy, but your lumbars are saying 'enough already!'" i open my eyes shocked by her analogy. i ask if i had told her last time i was there that i was offered a puppy. no i hadn't told her. so i tell her about the puppy situation. coincidence, or did she pick up on something?

3:15-4:30pm: leave session, see i have a message from a new acquaintance saying that he's waiting for me at whole foods. i'm surprised because i thought we weren't meeting. but i'm free to meet, so i go back to whole foods, meet him, and i'm hungry, so i suggest we try an indonesian place i've never been to before. we walk down the street and i eat indonesian food for the first time ever while getting to know this new person. we mostly discuss traveling and also getting out of office jobs. he says he only wants to do what he enjoys. i like the sound of that.

4:30-6pm: after eating, i don't want to go back to anacortes because it's rush hour. we decide to go for a walk and discover a hidden gem of a park nearby. and then i say goodbye so that i can get on the road, but i end up going into a shoe store to buy sandals instead. and then i go into a clothing store and admire the skirts but tell the sales lady that i tend to buy skirts and never wear them for lack of matching shirts that look good with them. she offers to help. i say i don't feel like trying on clothes but will come back next week.

6-7pm: i go to my car and decide to go back to the clothing store. none of the tops she picks out for me work out, but i find two beautiful skirts and a greek goddess style shirt. the shirt doesn't match the skirts, but i don't care. i buy all three, confident that i will make good use of them. along with my sandals. especially in EUROPE!

7-8:30pm: buy some berries at whole foods and eat them on the drive home, pleased with myself for choosing berries instead of chocolate! pleased with myself for freeing myself up to this wonderful day. full of new things. like playing in the pool instead of just swimming in the pool, driving down to seattle just for the day without spending the night, seeing my dad's new chambers, seeing the "new" library, receiving cst from a "new" therapist, meeting a new acquaintance and potential friend (who might teach me how to sail, which would also be new), eating indonesian food, finding a new park, etc.... i drive home with a grin on my face thinking about this day, thinking i will post a blog entry, mulally-style, which means recounting the whole day hour by hour. and so i do....

but i don't think i'll do this type of blog entry again. writing it felt fine, but i don't really enjoy reading it!

Contrary Opossum

Excuses, excuses. To ourselves and to others. I wonder where they come from? From fearing what others will think of us? From wanting others to understand us and think of us a certain way, to accept us? Or is it not even really about others, but about ourselves? Our own self-judgments and need for self-acceptance, understanding, and making sense of things? I don't know. But I've been thinking about this on and off since last Wednesday.

Last week, the day after returning the puppy to my clients, I went for walk along the path that I often walk around the marina out to the beach. And while thinking about my relief to be puppy-free, and no longer feeling guilty about it, but still kind of wondering what it says about me and what others think of my decision (why do I even care what others think?!), I notice that I'm approaching a dead animal on its back. At first I think it's a mouse. But it's not. It appears to be a baby opossum. I decide it's an opossum, because I can't think of anything else it could be. So when I return home, I look up "opossum" in my medicine cards book, and apparently opossums are known for playing dead! I know that opossum on the path was dead, not just playing. And so I pay specific attention to the "contrary" reading, since I figure that seeing a dead opossum on its back is similar to drawing the opossum card upside down, which makes it "contrary."

So, the contrary opossum gives this message:

"In the reversed position, Opossum may be warning you against getting caught in the high drama of your life's present scenario. "Close your eyes and dramatize," may keep you from seeing the truth of a situation. You may buy into melodrama in yourself or others....If this does not apply to your situation, take a look at the possibility that you may have recently been giving excuses for why you don't want to do something instead of telling the truth. In fearing to hurt someone's feelings you may have trapped yourself in a justification pattern: "I'm too sick, I'm too poor, I'm watching my weight, i'm too short, tall, sad, busy, tired, etc."

In having to defend yourself with excuses, you may have lost the point. You don't have to defend your right to be! The exercise is in learning to politely say that something would not be appropriate for you at this time. That's all! You owe no one an excuse. Learn to imitate Opossum and play dead, in the sense that the best strategy is no defense. In assuming the viewpoint of no defense, you have chosen the right to be who and what you are with no games involved.

The proper use of diversion is to know when you do not need to use diversion at all. You owe no one an excuse for how you feel or what you choose to experience."

YES! I smiled as I read this, and I've been carrying this message with me for the past week. It's helped with the puppy situation, and with others. It's helped me accept what I want and don't want, and also what others want and don't want, without a bunch of excess thought or explanation or analysis. Just sitting with what is and accepting it as is.

Bellingham

Sometimes I forget it's there. Just 45 minutes away.
Sometimes I forget who's there. Heartwoodies and their friends, some I've already met, some I have yet to meet.
Last night I went to Bellingham, for a friend's partner's film release and a gathering before hand. Full of pleasant surprises in terms of reuniting with familiar faces and meeting some new ones.
Pleasant surprise in terms of changes too. I used to feel agitated or sick to my stomach on the drive up to Bellingham because of a couple of foolish choices and heartaches that played out up there. But yesterday none of that. Just fresh and moderately excited. Open to meeting some new people and looking forward to seeing some old friends. I didn't even know I'd be seeing some of the people I saw. And that's where another change comes in. One of my past acquaintances had made some important health-oriented changes, cleaning up his act quite a bit, and now I feel a friendship may be on the horizon.
I was also reminded of the potential to go up to Bellingham to trade bodywork with other Heartwoodies. This is super appealing, as we tend to be more "present" than the average massage therapist, and it's lack of presence that bothers me most in many of the massage therapists I've seen in Anacortes.

karmic dance

It took 2 days of being with the puppy for me to gain some more clarity about what I want, and don't want, in my life right now. And it took those 2 days for my clients to realize that they really do want to keep their puppy. So it all worked out in some sort of strange karmic dance. I could go on and on about what I learned and the ways in which this puppy was a mirror and/or a messenger. But mostly right now I'm thinking about how it's too bad I beat myself up over it before finding out that they wanted him back. But perhaps that's part of my lesson in this whole thing-- to accept and to trust rather than to judge and fear. It's when I'm "acting out of hara," out of my center, out of my core, that I get too mental, over-analyzing, talking myself into or out of things, making choices that are not in line with what I really want, and then start judging and fearing and over-analyzing again. Time to strengthen my core, my hara, my 3rd chakra, my bridge between heaven and earth. I think this is a message that it's time to start practicing Zhongtian Yiqi, a non-moving form of Sheng Zhen Qigong....

is my heart in it?

he asked me if my heart's in it. he said it doesn't sound like it is. said i sound confused. and like it's probably not the best thing for me. but then he said love is a choice. and god works in mysterious ways. and that i sound a little self-absorbed. and maybe it's time for a change.

all this, and much more, from a random man i don't even know.

he says to have faith, get out of my head, and listen to my heart.

i can't hear what it's saying anymore.

but after this conversation, i feel inspired to choose to love. but then as i'm washing my hands after taking the puppy out, i'm thinking, "my heart's not in it," and i'm even smiling as i think this because it makes me feel better about giving him to someone whose heart would be in it, "sure i could do this, but my heart's not in it. why force it?"

and then he walks over to me while i'm still at the sink, puts his paws up on me, standing up, looking at me as he stretches. and i think, "how could my heart not be in you?"

but it's not. and i cry.

i cry for this puppy. i cry for myself.
all he wants is to please me, to give and receive love, to play.
he's a mirror.
showing me. challenging me. teaching me.

but that doesn't mean he's meant to stay.

my heart says someone else could love him better. and it breaks my heart to say....

Just one lick

All it took was a one look, and one lick, and I was pretty darn sure I'd have to take him home with me. Maybe not tonight. But after a few days. After just one hour together, I felt he was the one for me. And he seemed to agree. Approaching me so playfully and lovingly, so trusting and curious. Leaving me with a love bite on my ear and a look that said, "take me with you. don't go."

Now I'm at home, imagining him here with me, seeing him everywhere I go, hearing his name in my head. Now I know where the term "puppy love" comes from.

It's a good thing I spent the past month fragrance-free, getting to know what I smell like. Because soon I'll be smelling like dog! Mmmmm, the things we do for love....

Listen to your rhythm

I asked if she thought I should go ahead and take CranioSacral II in June as planned, or wait awhile longer. She was a T.A. in my January training, and I saw her today for a little practice session and some feedback.

She said that I'm ready for level II. She asked what my heart says.

I said my heart wants to go, but there's another opportunity that's calling me too. I said that technically I could do both, but 1 or the other might be best.

She suggested I check in with my rhythm. My craniosacral rhythm.

She assisted, placing her hands on my shoulders. First I thought of CranioSacral II at Esalen. Second I thought of Qigong in Croatia.

She said Croatia was stronger.

"But perhaps both," she said. There was a strong response to both, but slightly stronger for Crotia.

I thought I knew that I was not going to Croatia. I thought my heart was clearly saying "no, don't go. just stay. stay here. go to esalen, then return home. don't go to croatia. just stay. just stay here."

But something shifted yesterday, and I felt it strongly today too. And then I felt stressed that once again I am trying to decide between 2 workshops, 2 trips.

And then I felt grateful that one my biggest and recurring sources of stress over the past year has been over this type of decision making. WOE IS ME! POOR ME! So many opportunities. So little time!

But why? Why does it have to be so difficult for me to make a decision, why so hard to make a choice?

And then it hit me, today, as I left this CranioSacral session: Maybe I don't need to sacrifice one for the other.

What made me think I do? Concerns about being away from home for too long-- if the concern is about how I would feel regardless of work, fine. But if it's about concerns over my business, I must trust that all will be well despite another 3 week absence.

I ask myself, "What would I do if I didn't have to work? And what would I do if feeling totally free to experience and enjoy life without any worries?"

I would do both. Esalen AND Croatia.

Then again, I asked myself these same questions a few weeks ago, and felt that traveling overseas this summer was not in the cards for me.

SO, the answer is still unclear....

Just as unclear as whether or not to adopt my clients' adorable Puggle puppy!

And that's a whole other factor-- If I adopt a puppy, will that prevent me from traveling? Should it?

Time to load up on Bach Flower Remedies for decision-making issues! Or perhaps it's time for another Gallbladder cleanse.

Or maybe a day of silence. YES! That resonates most. More than asking others for advice. More than taking supplements or cleansing. Just quieting down and listening for my inner wisdom....But knowing me, I'll probably do some combination of asking for advice, taking supplements, cleansing, and some silence! [sigh] Oh, me....

Taboo

She said they were going to play Taboo and asked if I was coming over.

"Well I called to say that I'm not coming over, but what's Taboo? Maybe I will come over."

She encouraged me to come over and find out. She sounded excited, and I got swept up in it and said, "Ok!" Why not?

But when I got there and found out what the game was, I realized why not. You have to get your partner to say a word (like "orbit") but without saying a particular list of words (like "earth," "spin," etc), while being timed to see how many cards you can get through. Rather than sounding like fun to me, it brought up a feeling I can only describe as "dread."

I was tired (it was close to my typical bed time) and feeling neither creative nor articulate. We did a practice round, and I did NOT like it one bit. I wanted to like it. I wanted to feel sharp-minded enough to play. But that's not where I was at.

I felt like I was being tested, but didn't know if it was a test for me to say, "Nevermind; I don't want to play," or a test to see if I actually could stay there, play the game, and have some fun. Well it turned out to be somewhat of both. I did speak up and say this wasn't the game for me BUT I'd stay and observe, help with time-keeping. And it turned out to be a lot of fun. I was very content being there but not playing. It was pretty darn entertaining! And maybe next time I'll even want to play. Or not....But I am very glad that I did go to check it out, spoke up about not wanting to play, but stayed and had a great time!

(Thanks again, my pink-sweater soul-sister!) ;)

3 doors, and counting

One door closes, another opens. Or perhaps another two, or three, or more open.

Within 24 hours of canceling my April trip to Austin, my phone rang with an invitation to work at a Samish Nation health fair on the Saturday that I was going to be out of town. They had a last minute cancellation, and another massage therapist had referred me. I said I don't do chair massage, but if they couldn't find anyone else, I could bring my table. I had a feeling I'd be hearing back from them; something about the timing of the call and the date made me think this was meant to be, this was one of the reasons why I needed to stay here in April. And I did hear back, and I will be working the health fair.

Another reason was in an email someone forwarded me, inviting me to a Passover gathering in Mount Vernon. Although I'm not religious and don't even celebrate or observe the major holidays every year, Passover has always been a favorite. And this seems like a great opportunity to meet some new people.

What's behind door number 3? Well, unless I end up canceling my May trip, now I'll actually get to see another very important friend in Austin who would have been out of town next weekend!

I wonder what else will happen April 9-13....I'm thinking a full day of Sheng Zhen and Continuum is on the horizon....

1st day of spring

Feels like the first day of Spring outside. Feels like I "should" go for a walk. But all I really want to do, what I really feel like doing, is eat a warm satisfying carb-heavy meal and stretch out on my couch under a blanket and watch a movie or fall asleep. I think all the time I spent away this winter has left me feeling like my winter is now, and has been for the past month. Although it's a little backwards, I'm loving it! My behavior might appear to some as depression, but I'm not depressed. I'd know if I were. I'm quite the opposite actually. Been inner-smiling my ass off lately. I'm just feeling introspective and quiet. I just feel like hibernating and rooting down for awhile. As my hairdresser once said, "I'm not depressed; it's just winter!" And apparently my winter is March and April. And maybe beyond...