Afterthoughts

As I was shutting off my laptop after posting the Young and Pretty entry, I had some afterthoughts.

First, I thought about what I said to my parents, "why not live it up while I'm uncommitted -- no man...just me. Committed to myself."

I went to bed last night but couldn't sleep. What the heck did I mean by that? There's something wrong with that statement. Now I realized that my dad was not the only one saying "messed up" things. I was saying messed up statements to myself!

I don't believe it's an either/or type of thing. Living it up and commitment to myself vs.-- vs. what?? No vs. Why not live it up no matter what? Why not stay committed to oneself while committed to another? A partnership doesn't have to stop me from continuing to travel and learn and explore and grow; I'm ready for someone who would support me in that and be doing the same for himself. It wouldn't mean an end of freedom or a complete loss of personal time and personal space, a loss of myself. Been there, done that. And I am ready for something healthy this time. Something that allows freedom rather than taking it away. Something that contributes to me finding myself, rather than losing myself. Though not in a partnership, I've recently been blessed with a little taste of part of what that type of relationship would feel like. So I know it's possible. I may be old and pretty by the time the full deal comes into my life, but it's worth waiting for. And maybe it won't be that long after all. Who knows? No rush. And I am ready.

Also, I don't need to explain or think of myself as taking advantage of what's lacking in my life. I'm merely taking advantage of what is. I'm taking advantage of my advantages. No need to cram it all in now before something or someone comes into my life and puts an end to it. There is no end. I'm here to enjoy life and live it up til the day I die. And maybe some days living it up means doing nothing and being alone. And even that can continue when sharing your life with someone. As long as there's love. As long as there's trust. In oneself, in others, in the bigger picture beyond--- big topic here and too sleep deprived to delve further right now.

Second thought keeping me up: I love my bed. And it feels so good to be home. After being in Seattle for a few days, it felt so good to be back home. Perhaps it's time to cut down on the traveling and workshops. Perhaps it's time to just settle down and be still for awhile. As I wrote above, no need to rush. That's what I'm feeling, organically, not forced, not from any outside influence or mental chatter. I just feel it inside. And I was feeling it earlier last night too. So I bought my ticket home from Austin, the one-way ticket I was waiting to buy, waiting to see if I wanted to stay longer than an extra night or two, after qigong teacher training. But I don't. At least not right now. And if that feeling changes, I cross that bridge when I come to it.

Third thought was gratitude for the past couple of days that were spent with my best friend growing up. Living across the country, we've barely kept in touch. But she's like the sister I never had. Reconnecting with each other felt really nourishing. It was also a great practice for me in terms of separating out what's mine and what's hers in terms of "issues" that come up when we're sharing our stories and giving each other advice (or refraining from doing so). In the end, I felt super clear on what was mine and what was hers, and was grateful for the perspective gained and some of the mirrors she held up in front of me---


Oh, speaking mirrors, I have a confession to make. Part of why I was disturbed by my dad's "young and pretty" comment was because just a few days prior I was having an awesome hair day(!) and felt frustrated about yet another "wasted" good hair day. I was looking in the mirror thinking, I look damn good, and for who? Somebody's missing out. And then I laughed at my ridiculous self, or rather at my ridiculous ego and fear. Fear of being alone, specifically based on appearance or age! How messed up is that?!?! Quite. And then for my dad to say that thing about choosing to get married while still young and pretty? Sort of erie. Sort of funny. Sort of makes sense. But luckily I'm evolving and had already had this conversation with myself in which I smiled at my reflection while telling myself that the only one missing out was me if I continued thinking that way. I don't need a man, or a friend, or anyone, to flatter me; clearly I can do it myself! I'm not saying it's not nice and welcomed and appreciated coming from someone else. But it's certainly not essential; my happiness doesn't depend on others; it depends on me.