Tonglen

After eating some lunch and paying some bills and cleaning up a little, the masochist in me decided to re-read an email to see if it would stir up any yucky feelings. I had been feeling strong and confident and full of self-love this morning, so I decided to test the waters. And I didn't stay afloat. I started to swim, in emotions and thoughts. And my heart was sinking, pulling me down. I felt a tightening below my xyphoid process, the area associated with grief. I felt a door closing, shutting me out. And another door closing, shutting others out. My first impulse was to get back to my qigong practice, but then I decided to try something I had read about yesterday and played with a bit last night: tonglen.

On Thursday I bought a book called Comfortable with Uncertainty. That morning I had been thinking about my discomfort with uncertainty, so when I saw this book later that day, I couldn't resist. Before going to sleep last night, I read about and practiced tonglen, which involves these 4 steps:

1) Rest your mind for a second or two in a state of openness or stillness.

2) Work with texture. Breathe in a feeling of hot, dark, heavy -- a sense of claustrophobia-- and breathe out a feeling of cool, light, and bright -- a sense of freshness. Breathe in through all the pores of your body and radiate out completely, through all the pores of your body. Do this until your visualization feels synchronized with your in- and out- breaths.

3) Now contemplate any painful situation that's real to you. For example, you can breathe in the hot, dark, constricted feeling of sadness that you feel and breathe out a cool, light sense of joy or space or whatever might provide relief.

4) Widen the circle of compassion by connecting with all those who feel this kind of pain, and extending the wish to help everyone.

Last night this helped. This practice, combined with all the qigong of the day, I think is what helped me sleep so well. 8 hours without waking up. Very uncommon for me.

Today tonglen helped too. I love the way it acknowledges and works with the physical feelings evoked by emotions, and how breathing out the opposite of those feelings of discomfort really does bring relief. And the relief is subtle. Strong but subtle. There's still the acknowledgment of the painful situation and/or the associated feelings, but no longer overwhelming or consuming. Not some extreme manic shift. Just a sense of peace and space to breathe. The clarity to see the other side of the coin....