What's that smell?

I wrote this on March 9:

Yesterday I was walking through the park, but on a road. So occasionally cars would drive by, and it smelled awful. In my head, I was thinking in Hungarian: "Budos." It means smelly. And then I heard my ex-husband's voice in my head: "Budos vagy." It means "you're smelly."

He said this to me. Only once, in the midst of an argument, in a context that was cruel and painful. And it left an impression. I became more self-conscious and so although I had never enjoyed perfumes or strong fragrances, I started buying all kinds of scented products, like body washes and lotions. I couldn't stand the thought of my own husband thinking I smelled bad. And it didn't occur to me that it wasn't even true, or that it meant that we just weren't a good match, or that perhaps there was something wrong internally (like toxicity) that was influencing my body odor.

Six years later and I'm still using scented products. Six years later and it takes a friend saying that my lotion is what's smelly. Where's the real me? What does Rebecca smell like?

I don't even know.
I don't remember.

Who am I underneath these products? I never even realized how much of myself I've been covering up. I am pretty darn genuine, and don't wear much or any makeup. But ever since my ex-husband's words, I've gotten so out of touch with this part of myself, this part of myself which is my skin, my naturalness. What the heck have I been covering up?

It's time to find out. And so now I'm trying to use unscented products, and even unflavored lip balm. But any product seems to influence what's really there. I used Jojoba oil to moisturize, and it smells a little. Is it supposed to? Or is it slightly rancid? I don't know....

But I do know I'm grateful for my friend's honesty about my artificial scent. Now I feel like getting rid of all these scented products of mine, and it feels liberating. I'm so curious, so curious to know what my skin really smells like, what my lips really taste like. Like Rebecca. And what that's like, I have yet to discover, but I'm on my way....

To be continued......