challenges and opportunities

Wouldn't it be nice if all of our opportunities for advancement in life were easy and obvious and enjoyable?

Hmmmm, not so sure about that. Mostly not sure because I don't know what "nice" means. But I'm also not sure because that would leave out life's challenges, which provide some of the richest and most important opportunities.

I think challenges can be embraced as opportunities, as soon as they're acknowledged as such. After seeing the opportunity within the challenge, resistance diminishes or disappears, and the challenge becomes less challenging or sometimes it even ceases to be a challenge at all. Or maybe it remains just as much of a challenge, but with a less threatening edge.

Thinking about these words was triggered by an email I sent last night in which I wrote about viewing something as an opportunity rather than as a challenge. But some things are both. No need to force something out of challenge status into opportunity status. They can coexist, and sometimes peacefully so.


Main Entry:

²challenge

Function:

noun

Date:

14th century

1 a: a summons that is often threatening, provocative, stimulating, or inciting ; specifically : a summons to a duel to answer an affront b: an invitation to compete in a sport2 a: a calling to account or into question : protest b: an exception taken to a juror before the juror is sworn c: a sentry's command to halt and prove identity d: a questioning of the right or validity of a vote or voter3: a stimulating task or problem challenges>4: the act or process of provoking or testing physiological activity by exposure to a specific substance ; especially : a test of immunity by exposure to an antigen

Main Entry:

op·por·tu·ni·ty

Pronunciation:

\ˌä-pər-ˈtü-nə-tē, -ˈtyü-\

Function:

noun

Inflected Form(s):

plural op·por·tu·ni·ties

Date:

14th century

1 : a favorable juncture of circumstances opportunity for rest and refreshment> 2 : a good chance for advancement or progress

blessings in disguise, and not in disguise

"In what way was your car accident a gift?" he asked.
"Let me get back to you on that," I replied.

Since asked yesterday afternoon, the question hasn't left me. The answer isn't clear. I get a choir of different voices with different answers, singing different songs.

Why isn't the answer clear? Why am I so tongue-tied?

Perhaps there are multiple gifts, and some remain to be seen. I'd like to sum them all up with one all-encompassing word or phrase. Is that too much to ask?

Speaking of asking, and speaking of gifts that are clear to me, on to the next subject, the subject of love and relationships. The other day I admitted to a friend that I have a history of being attracted to men who are unavailable and/or who aren't ready for a partnership, and she asked me if that could mean that I've been unavailable and not ready for a partnership.

Quite possible. But also quite possibly not. Who knows. Maybe I am or was required to be single. Or maybe I just need to adjust my attitude and beliefs. I don't know. Like the car accident question, this question doesn't have a clear answer. But it's not bothering me, as is my lack of clarity with the car accident gift question.

Instead this question somehow added to the relief I felt the previous day when I remembered something-- I was actually thinking about posting an entry called "remember what you ask for" after the "careful what you ask for" entry, because I remembered that when I turned 29, I declared that I was prepared to spend this whole year single, and happily so, working on myself, strengthening my foundation.

Funny that the flood in my basement and cracks in the foundation didn't remind me of this. If only I had remembered what I had asked for, or rather what I had declared for this year, perhaps I could have spared myself some recent heartache. Or perhaps not.

Perhaps it's all a necessary part of the "working on myself" and "building a foundation." Perhaps I've been receiving exactly what I asked for, exactly what I need or require at this time in my life. And what I require and what I ask for could change at any time.....

For now I'm just grateful for all my blessings in disguise, and blessings not in disguise. And what a relief it is to be back in the present moment and feel at ease again, genuinely accepting and appreciating that whatever is simply is.

Careful what you ask for!

Last night before I went to sleep, I was reading about the power of the subconscious mind, and decided to conduct a little experiment.

So I fell asleep, asking (or rather telling myself) to wake up feeling refreshed and well-rested, full of energy.
And voila! I did!

I woke up feeling refreshed and well-rested, full of energy, every frickin' hour.

How's that for proving the power of my subconscious mind?!

Now I guess all I need is to get more specific with my requests, such as sleeping deeply throughout the night for a certain number of hours and waiting til a specific time in the morning to wake up!

Happy Neardeath Day to Me!

13 years ago I spent this entire day, and yesterday, in surgery. 2/3 of my intestines removed. Fractured vertebrae fused with screws and bone graft taken from my hip. It's a miracle I survived. It's a miracle I can eat. It's a miracle I can move. And this year I'm reminded not only to savor every bite of food, but also to savor every move.

Today I swung on a swing as I've never swung before. So light and free. Flying through the air. How could this be? How could it be that swinging on this swing felt so new, so unfamiliar?

The last time I swung on a swing was the last time I was in Austin, during what I like to refer to as "the demon workshop weekend." And that is a whole other story!

Today I felt moved by this movement, as it reminded me of past restriction and inhibition of movement, and just how far I've come since my car accident, or even before the accident. Even as a little girl I felt some restriction in my body. Was it because I was teased? I don't know. I do know that up until kindergarten I loved to dance, loved to play, and express myself freely through movement. And also through my voice by singing. But in elementary school I was teased for being overweight, so I stopped moving my body. And I was teased for having a slight lisp, so I shut my mouth.

Kids could be so cruel! Not only to others, but to ourselves. No wonder I never wanted to go to summer camp. And how funny that that's where I am now. A Jewish summer camp, in the winter, in Texas, at a Sheng Zhen teacher training for Jesus Standing!

And what better timing than the anniversary of my car accident and 2-week hospital stay? It's amazing to be here. That in itself is amazing-- simply being here, being alive. And it's amazing to be here moving my body so freely. So gracefully. So painlessly.

Last night we spent what felt like about 10 minutes or so on the first movement of Kuan Yin Standing. The snake-like, wave-like motion of my spine filled me with gratitude and joy. It's just amazing to me that this body of mine can move as it does. It's a amazing that a fractured and fused back, a torso full of scar tissue and mesh wall, can twist and sway and undulate with relative ease. It's taken a lot of time, a lot of bodywork, energywork, qigong, and, most recently, continuum to get to this point. And I think it's also about belief. That's a new belief of mine! I believe that my beliefs, my thoughts, my stories were keeping me imprisoned. But now I'm breaking free!

And how great it is now to be returning to that natural state of freedom and playfulness, little by little, step by step.....

13 years ago, 13 years later

1/14/00
I can’t even keep track of how many times I’ve been to the hospital in the past 4 years. Surgeries, follow-up appointments, diagnostic tests, and emergency room--

February 20, 1996, my mom wakes me from sleep at midnight, knocking on my door to tell me I have a phone call. Somebody calling about work, she says. But I know better, and I crawl to the end of my bed to pick up the phone, and it’s who I thought it was. A few representatives from the class of ‘95 calling to invite me over to watch “The Usual Suspects.” But in my half-asleep daze, I say I’m too tired to drive, and they say, no problem, we’re on our way.
i look out my window as we fly down the road
it’s all a blur, my stomach churns, my head throbs
i yell at him to slow down
i repeatedly yell at him to slow down
i plead
he laughs
the music pounds in my ears
my heart pounds as thoughts of jumping go through my head
i look over the front seat at the speedometer
i would die jumping out of that speeding car
i cannot jump
what do I do?
there is nothing i can do

i can yell
i yell
curve after curve
we barely stay on the road
the car skids to the left, to the right,
back to the left and off the road
crashing into a tree at 60 miles per hour
bones breaking
branches breaking
muffled moaning and groaning
i see myself
doubling over my lap belt like the tree doubling over the car

i must hold on
waiting for help to arrive
paralyzed
unable to move my legs
starting to slip away
help arrives
they tell me to hold on
i am holding on
i can no longer hold on

they pull me out slowly
they lay me down on the ground
i hear the faint crinkling of leaves in my hair
i feel distant
golden beams of light shining down on me
i see the darkness of night as i look up through the trees
soon i hear them talking about me
as if i am no longer there
soon i am gone

in an ambulance
flat on my back
i open my eyes to see
a man wearing blue looking down at me
i ask him for my life
he gives me a blanket
i ask him to hold my hand
he holds my hand and tells me to hold on
i thank him
i thank him repeatedly

fade to black
awaken to light
as they roll me in
the lights seem to be flickering
my eyes must be fluttering
bright lights blinds me
eyes shut
clothes rip
eyes open
poking and prodding
i squirm as they prepare me
hooking me up to monitors and tubes
i look up to see men and women in blue
they wheel me towards the operating room
my hearing fades
will I be awake?
i see lips moving
i hear no reply
it’s all over
the drugs must be working
fade to white
it’s all just begun


We all have our stories, and this is one of mine. The shortened version of the beginning of one, in some writing I recently rediscovered from years ago. And for years I thought writing about it and talking about the car accident was the way to free myself from it. But instead it took over, and then I got sick of it, so after about 5 years I just said, “enough. No more writing about it. I’m over it.” But in some ways I had neglected a crucial part of myself: my body. Not fully neglecting, but not going deep.

My body remembers, and although it’s resilient and has healed well, parts of it are still stuck, still afraid, still adjusting to the trauma of the accident and the subsequent surgeries. And the night of the accident, I left my body at least twice. Once a few minutes before the accident when I saw it coming, and once at the time of impact. Did I ever fully return?

Thirteen years later I woke up feeling I'd returned, feeling grateful to be alive, feeling grateful to feel. I started my day with a meditation and a continuum dive, and then I took a bath.

Submerged in water, eyes closed. At some point I opened my eyes, but just for a second. The lights shining down on me were bright. I was reminded of being in the hospital, a foggy memory through fuzzy vision, a CT scan or MRI, some diagnostic procedure in a bright sterile room. And I wondered if the reason why most people don’t like hospitals is not only because of their association with illness or injury, but because of the trauma of leaving the dark warm wet quiet safety of the mother’s womb and entering into that bright sterile hospital room and the arms of strangers.

Some of my memories of waking up in the hospital remind me of tales I’ve heard of alien abduction. Poking and prodding. Tubes and monitors. No escape. Where am I? Who are you? Am I really here? Is this really happening? When will I wake up? When will I get to go home?

13 years later this is still one of my stories.....Luckily I have other stories as well-- luckily? What do I mean by that? I've been thinking a lot about stories. How we get stuck in them. Our past, our experiences are part of who we are, but sometimes they hold us back.

That's all for now. Time to eat. I can eat! 13 years ago I was told I may never eat again. 13 years later, I am eating and savoring every bite.

this ego trip is over

As soon as I posted that last entry, my phone rang. A request for taxi service. How could I say no? It was a request from my friend whose car I was borrowing. So that part of me that didn't want to go anywhere did not get what it wanted. Still it tried. I picked up my friend and had the option of going to a qigong class. On the way there, I said I didn't want to go, that I need to remain in the space I'm in, which was a space of emotional turmoil. I was asked if I was enjoying the space I was in. No, I was not enjoying it. But thought maybe I need to stay in it. So my friend gave me a hug goodbye, drove away, and I went back to my hotel room to sulk.

As soon as I walked in the door, I heard that question, "are you enjoying it?" And then I heard another friend's voice in my head, and master li's voice in my head. They were both saying, "enjoy your life!" The thought of staying in my hotel room alone was no longer so appealing. I still wasn't crazy about being in a room full of people, but I decided to give it a shot. So I walked and ran down the street and made it to class in time.

During the practice I came to some realizations about what I've been going through lately. Most importantly was my identification of my ego's involvement in what I've been experiencing and how I've been behaving. I realized that the heartache I felt last night and some of today was not really heart ache, but ego ache. My heart simply loves. It doesn't need anything in return: "the giving of oneself with no conditions....." And with this realization, relief. No more ache. A lightness. An openess returned that was temporarily closed.

And during the break, I asked my friend about how to differentiate between being guided by emotions and being guided by the heart. He and another classmate both said that the emotions are more in your head. There's a thought process involved. A story. An ulterior motive. That ego again! The heart, on the other hand, just feels, does what is right, no story or outcome-related reason; it's just what's right.

Sometimes ego takes over. I think mine went into over-drive last night. But now it's settled down. Now that I've identified it, my heart is opening again, love is returning. No more confusion. No more worries. In class, Master Li asked what's the definition of true happiness. According to him, it's no worries. I'm glad I went to class. I'm still aware of anger and sadness releasing from my body, related to car accident stuff and the cst session from today. But going to class not only helped my heart, it also showed me that doing something enjoyable and uplifting doesn't dishonor my negative emotions; it helps them move, helps create balance and harmony.

this "saint" has taken a leave of absence....

One needs to practice to keep the heart open
To become rooted in the bliss at the core
When the soul is awakened, there is one true desire
To become one in the heart with no restraint
This giving of oneself with no conditions
Is freeing oneself to become a saint
-Master Li Jun Feng

Keeping the heart open takes practice. But what about closing the heart? Should the heart always be open? Perhaps so, if rooted in the bliss at the core. No need to close off as protection when grounded and know that bliss is within oneself, not dependent or affected by others.

What does it mean to become one in the heart with no restraint? Loving and giving with no restraint? The giving of oneself with no conditions-- I've experienced this, this "freeing of oneself to become a saint," and it's divine. But sometimes it's easier said than done. Sometimes conditions sneak up where there once were none. Where does this come from? Questioning. Doubting.
I don't know.

Today I feel estranged from love. It's a strange feeling since at the same time I feel that I'm in this world to give and receive love. It's so important to me. But today I don't know what love is. I feel cold and empty, or rather hot and full, but not of love. Today I'm experiencing the release of repressed anger. I'm also experiencing heart-ache and confusion. Last night I cried myself to sleep. This morning I woke up with a smile, but only because a typically unaffectionate angry cat came up to me an rested his head on my shoulder, purring, and that feeling, that contact, made me smile, and then that pissed me off, because it made me feel needy, like I needed somebody or something else's touch or love to make me happy. NO, not that! And so I cried again. And cried some more this afternoon. Sometimes crying feels good, emotionally cleansing. Sometimes it feels like unnecessary suffering. Self-created drama. Bleh!

[sigh]

I saw a craniosacral therapist here in Austin today. She tuned into some things nobody else has in all my years of receiving bodywork and energywork, one of which was that my liver may be restricted because of the mesh wall in my side and all the scar tissue from that and also from my midline scar. Suddenly my repressed anger, and confusion over how to express it, suddenly it made sense. Since the session, my eyes have been red and burning. Tears come even when not crying. This is part of my liver releasing and relaxing into expressing itself. Now I am feeling exhausted. I haven't used that word in a long time, not since realizing I was misusing it, exaggerating. I think I mean it this time though, which is why I'm using it. So I'm at a hotel, 2 nights to go before 10 day teacher training, and part of me wants to stay here, not even step outside until Friday. I don't know if that's what's best for me though. Some say to follow your feelings. Some say emotions get in the way; follow your heart. What's the difference?

who am i here for? and what's my purpose?

who am i here for?
am i here for me? am i here for myself?
or am i here for others?
is it all the same thing?

i was expressing some angst over being in austin for 3 weeks, and my friend said that maybe my presence is required for the benefit of others. maybe it's not about me. or something along those lines. and what a relief it was to hear his words. somehow it lifted some weight, lifted some fog, lessened my feeling of concern and anxiety. somehow the thought of being here for others felt like less pressure than being here for myself. what's that all about?

being less selfish? less self-absorbed?

i am here to serve; it's in my virgo nature.

but why does this make me feel better? is it because it's about fulfilling some higher purpose? or is it my ego?

i'm sitting here thinking about my walk this afternoon. part of the conversation was about the connection between the ego and the feeling of needing to have some sort of purpose other than to just simply love.

but my brain feels a bit mushy tonight, so i think i'd just muck it up if i tried to explain this conversation or even what i'm thinking right now. so, for now, this is all.....

should aardvarks love truth

"Should" is one of those words I'd like to remove from my vocabulary. And I'm not the only one. Went for a walk today with a good friend, asked him what he thought of the word "should," and he said he's been working on removing it from his vocabulary too. Turns out that lately he has been thinking a lot about what words mean and how people use them. So have I. So have a couple other VIPs in my life. Although it was years ago that I started avoiding the "s" word (should), I didn't think so much about other words until recently. At Heartwood, my awareness was raised regarding "conscious communication," but I wasn't thinking much about what commonly used words meant and how they might be misused or misinterpreted. That didn't start until this past Fall when one of my client's asked me how I'd define love. It wasn't long before I was looking up words in the dictionary, staying up all night writing about love and truth and pain and aardvarks. Yes, aardvarks. I had this idea to just start at the beginning of the dictionary, but then I decided against it.
Was that a tangent I just went off on? I sat down here planning to write about how I realized that I SHOULD cancel a deep tissue workshop I had signed up for, because I had only signed up for it because I thought I SHOULD. Oh, and that's another common theme among those I'm around: planning. The difficulty of and aversion to making plans. Just go with the flow. Let nature take it's course. See how you feel closer to the time. Etcetera, etcetera....
But back to deep tissue....I'm not a deep tissue person. Not a deep tissue massage therapist. That's what I tell people when they ask. So why the heck was I going to spend 2 days and $300 learning all sorts of techniques I'll never use? I'd be better off asking MY massage therapist to show me a couple of tricks. Or just believing and intending that my lighter methods and my presence will assist my clients in releasing whatever it is that I thought those deep tissue techniques might release. I'm reminded again that I often get in my own way. My beliefs, my doubts, my fears, they get in the way. Better to focus on my gifts and strengths rather than fabricating inadequacies and needs for improvement!

untitled

I cannot count the number of times I felt a lump in my throat while holding back my tears yesterday. It wasn't until I got in bed to go to sleep that the tears came out. Not really crying. Just tears. An emotional cleansing I'd been putting off all day.
A full day of Kuan Yin Sitting. This was the first Sheng Zhen form I ever learned, and here I was a couple of years later in the same workshop. I had first learned it at a time that I was holding back, not even realizing it, but holding in so much emotion, withholding so much love. My heart was closed. Protective. Overly so. Wounded. And understandably so. The first noticeable emotional release during that first Kuan Yin workshop had to do with forgiveness. Forgiving my ex-husband. Forgiving myself. Over the next couple of months, I went through some rapid and dramatic transformation in terms of my heart opening up and my ability to enjoy life. I had never felt so open and so genuinely loving-- well, I probably had as a child, but years of social rejection, a car accident, and a divorce brought out more fear than love, a protective armor, a dark cloud.
So yesterday I was reminded of this, of how far I'd come. But my tears were not tears of joy for this progress. My tears were from the memories of hurt, and the hurt that still lingers, the wounds that get reopened from time to time.
At lunch a friend reminded me that the universe presents us with opportunities to continue moving up along our spiritual paths. The reopening of wounds, the challenges, are also opportunities. I started to see the silver lining of the recent looming clouds overhead. That doesn't take away sadness completely. It just adds another perspective. Widens it. Bigger picture. Helps give me strength. Helps me embrace all I'm presented with and all that I am. Helps me trust and accept that all is just as it should be.

Revisiting Stillness

Reason has no place in cosmic art. That's what that Stillness poem says. It says "do not dare to ask." And this morning I'm questioning that. This morning that particular line disturbs me.
I understand the importance of stillness, but we need motion just as much as we need stillness. Daring to ask is not the problem. Too many people don't dare to ask. Being able to ask, and then letting go-- that sounds right to me. The motion of seeking and asking. The stillness of letting go and being open to answers that may come later and may come in a form that we don't even recognize as the answer at first.

Seek not to know why you are, the poem says. But doesn't contemplating and finding meaning and understanding make life more rich? It's when these questions and desires to know the answers become tormenting-- oh and the poem is addressed to a "tormented" friend. And last night when I read this I noticed the messages of stillness and unity more, and that resonated with me. This morning I'm noticing the other aspect. And although it's meant to be soothing, the one-sidedness of it it does not soothe me, at least not this morning. But that's ok. Last night it did soothe me, as I was feeling some torment. And last month I wrote something very similar, something about not seeking, or maybe it was about seeking within rather than without--- maybe I'll take a look at it when I get back home.....

Stillness

Came home tonight to an email that included this poem:

Stillness

Tormented Friend, why do you still enquire
And thirst to know the sum of things entire?
The more you strive, the less you will succeed;
The mind cannot fulfill the spirit's need.
Striving too hard begets a troubled mind
And those who strive will stay confined.
For you are not the body, not the mind
But Light Immortal, mortally enshrined.

So live in bliss-enjoy the simple tasks;
Seek not to know, and do not dare to ask
Why are you here or what your fate will be.
Be still and listen to the symphony
Which your surroundings play in unity.
The part cannot exist without the whole;
The whole cannot exist without the part;
And reason has no place in cosmic art.

When stillness reigns, you are the sum of things;
The Nothing and the All Oneness brings.
When stillness reigns, you are Infinity
And sense the nearness of Divinity.
Just as the pigeon navigates in flight
And homeward speeds before a hint of night;
So too, the soul, will homeward soar one day
Without a mind to guide it on its way.
~ Robert Goslin

waking up in austin

a couple of nights ago some anger got stirred up in me during a bodywork/energywork session. anger is something i'm not very in touch with, hence my discomfort now that it's coming to the surface. and the following day, the day before coming to austin, i cried several different times all for seemingly different reasons. the biggest cry was on my drive down to seattle; i thought i might have to pull over. lots coming up about my car accident, the week before its anniversary. my 13th neardeath day.

and the next day, yesterday, i left for austin. went to a qigong class. still felt angry. i went to sleep and woke up this morning in austin feeling uncomfortable. uncomfortable with my "negative" emotions, anger and others. frustrated with myself for some of my feelings and wants, rather than just accepting that this is where i'm at.

sometimes i fear getting stuck in negative emotions, forgetting or not trusting the ebb and the flow. that fear just adds to the heaviness and darkness. so sometimes i don't sit with those feelings, at least not for long. instead i try to take action to come out of sadness or anger or anxiety or whatever. give myself an attitude adjustment. but that's not honoring where i'm at. other than that that's also part of where i'm at. if that makes sense.....

sometimes i feel confused about what's "healthy" in terms of feeling and expressing emotions. "negative" emotions are part of us, are natural, and perhaps the word "negative" just gives them a bad rep.

i'd like to embrace them all, invite them all in for tea, without getting taken over by and stuck with any one emotion. and sometimes i do. yesterday and earlier this morning, not so much. but now, right now in this moment i feel grounded and open, aware of the full range of emotions, without being weighted down by any of them.

i think qigong helps. and for my overactive mind, hearing the messges of the meditations along with the movements does so much more for me than practicing the movements alone.

this morning i expericenced a pretty radical transformation, from the beginning to the end of practicing "awakening the soul."

i feel lighter. better able to breathe. excessive thoughts no longer spinning in my head. still aware of some anxiety and the feeling of a little stone below my xyphoid process, but it's not upsetting me as it was earlier. i'm accepting it. observing it.

feeling more strength. landing. getting grounded. feeling open again and ready for anything. not in a manic way, as sometimes it is. more neutral.

perhaps all this craniosacral stuff is sinking in again: be present, grounded, neutral. how fast, how soon, i forget! but perhaps that's part of the ebb and the flow too....

spider girl

I just saw a wolf spider in my basement, near the washer and dryer. I haven't seen one in quite awhile, and when I saw this little (or rather "big") one, I smiled and said, "Oooooooh!" as in "Cool! Yay!"

Strange.

I remember when I didn't like spiders. I remember a wolf spider on my pillow when I was 8. Funny-- spiders' bodies are shaped like an 8, like the infinity symbol.

And now I love spiders. Just last week, I was wondering why I haven't seen many lately, and why the only ones I ever see are in the basement. Why don't they show up in the main part of the house? Why don't they show up in the attic/loft I sleep in?

The only answer I can come up with is that it's because I sort of worship them. And so they don't mess with me.

Worship might not be the right word. Love certainly is. Respect certainly is.

I think if I have a totem animal, Spider is it, or at least one of them.

And so I have spider pendants, spider figurines, a spider candle-holder, a spider web placemat for my candle holder. I dream of them, see them in my mind's eye while receiving bodywork or energywork. Not always, but sometimes.

So what's the deal with spiders?

They represent balance and creativity. Gentleness and strength. The weaving of fate. The magic of words and language. Building your web and letting things come to you. Maintaining balance between past and future; holding your position between the two, in the present.

Wolf spiders, in particular, represent finding greater success in daytime activities and getting the most out of what presents itself to us. Pursue opportunities. Digest past experiences. Wolf spiders, unlike other spiders, have good eyesight, which teaches us to trust what we see in addition to what we feel. Other spiders rely only what they feel (through fibers on their legs).

Wolf spiders also send the message to keep our creative projects tight within ourselves until ready to be truly hatched (as they keep their eggs); "don't speak of them or show them prematurely to others."

A Sheng Zhen Blog??

My plan had been to go into silence today. But sometimes plans change.

The first change was that I'd wait until after giving a couple of massages. The second change is this: my decision to communicate via blog. Sure, it's not speaking, so I'm still silent in that sense, but I was planning on total silence, which, to me, includes no form of communicating with anyone other than myself.

But when I returned home from the massages, and turned off my laptop to commence my silence, I questioned this restraint I was putting on myself. Why do I need silence, other than that I really do need to rest my vocal chords (I strained them)? But why be so rigid? Why be so extreme?

No answer. Unclear. Maybe I would start tomorrow. Maybe I would just not speak.

So I went for a walk around the marina.

The sun was shining.

When I got to the beach, I stood by the water and practiced Kuan Yin Standing.

I felt like I was swimming as I practiced the first movement. Boat Rowing in a Stream of Air. My body relaxed into it. I felt as if the qi were leading, rather than my mind. And I must admit that I haven't felt that much in the past week or so.

Second movement: Traveling Eastward Across the Ocean. I feel as vast as the ocean. I feel the freedom of movement. The freedom to be moved. It didn't even phase me as I heard what sounded like teenagers walk down to the beach. They were somewhere behind me. Sometimes when I'm alone on the beach, practicing qigong, I notice a shift in my energy when someone else shows up. But not this time. I had merged with the universe and nothing could shake me.

And as I imagined gazing at the moon, a few movements later, I felt the warmth of the sun on my forehead. In Qui'er Gazing at the Moon, we imagine the moonlight coming into the third eye. Today, as I imagined this, I felt energized by the sun that really was shining down on me. What a wonderful sense of connecting with nature! And to be standing on a beach by the water--- perfect.

Throughout Kuan Yin Standing, I felt a creative surge at the same time that I felt this meditative calmness. My mind was not overactive, and yet it thinking what's written here, and more. I got this idea to start a Sheng Zhen Qigong blog.

I even just set one up. But then I chickened out.

I may not want that responsibility. I don't know if that's really what I mean. I want to write. I want to share. But I don't know if another blog is what I want right now.

And for some writers, it helps to know that certain people will be reading or expecting something. For me, it's just stressful. At least that's how I'm feeling now, as I sit in front of my laptop at my desk.

So for now I'm not going to do it.

But maybe I'll change my mind. Maybe my mind will change back to how it felt out on the beach and during my walk home, which was excitment and thinking a Sheng Zhen blog was a great idea.

Hmmmm, that makes me think I should do it. But I hate the word "should," and I feel like I better just listen to my hesitation for now. It was a great idea, but I'm not ready. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week.

So for now I'll just write about qigong privately, or here. And when I'm ready, if it's mean to be, I'll create something public for clients, students, and whoever else to read.....

A Walk in the Dark in the Rain

As soon as I woke up, I went for a walk in the dark in the rain. No hat. No hood. Just letting the rain cleanse me.

It felt so refreshing, so energizing, and so surprisingly liberating.

Why liberating? Because my whole life I've been hearing, "Where's your hat? Don't you have a coat? You'll catch a cold--" etcetera, etcetera.

Although now I understand that if the body is busy trying to keep me warm, I may be more susceptible to getting sick, because energy is being taken away from my immune system. HOWEVER, as a child I just associated cold and rain with getting sick. And even though, at an early age, I figured out you can't really get sick from the cold or the rain, the damage was already done; cold and rain were to be feared and avoided.

Today I'm unsubscribing from that reality!

So winters in Washington are about to get a whole lot easier, a whole lot more enjoyable.

Hmmm, as I read over this I'm wishing I had a tape recorder in my brain, or in my pocket; I had so many deep thoughts on this during my walk, but a shower and a breakfast and an ad revision later, I can't remember them all. But that's ok.

listening to my gut

I am so proud of myself! I just left a Reiki circle.

Last month I went to a Reiki circle for the first time with a few other women I didn't know. This was the day after my basement flooded; I was a wreck. And apparently I had some sort of "entity" attached to me, according to one of these women. Whether I believe in entities or not, I agreed that something was draining my energy, and I experienced a relief of that after she did something to clear me of it.

So a month passes, and we're set to meet again tonight. But yesterday I had an intense conversation and session with a Brennan Healing Sciences student (energyworker-in-training), and she expressed some concern over me seeking out too many things, receiving too many types of body or energywork, and without clear intention and without discrimination in terms of who I let touch me. She specificially said, "You've gotta be careful with who you let work with you, even with Reiki."

Hmmmmm.....

So today I was feeling like bailing out, like not going to the Reiki circle. My reasons included not being sure about the women (or even the location), and also feeling oversaturated-- enough giving and receiving for one week; I certainly did not feel any need for a Reiki circle regardless of the participants. I felt more of a need to stay home, to just be. BUT THEY WERE COUNTING ON ME FOR MY MASSAGE TABLE.

So I go.

I go, and as I'm driving down the street to the house, I notice the "Dead End" sign. This is the first sign. I felt there wasn't something quite right about the location. I think "No Outlet" would have bothered me too. But it got me wondering about the Feng Shui of a dead end. How does it affect the people who live on a dead end streeet? Doesn't sound good to me.

Next, I arrive at the house, take in my table, and immediately feel my stomach tighten; I didn't want to be there. More signs: the T.V. was on, and it was playing jazz. Two No-no's. Jazz is far too erratic and unpredictable for relaxation, for me anyway. Maybe it has something to do with childhood, growing up with a jazz musician brother and often feeling irritated when he'd be practicing.

But I set up my table anyway, feeling irritated. I say something about the t.v. and about the music. T.V. off, music changed, but I still feel uneasy.

And then two more ladies arrive, one of them wasn't there last time, and she brought a massage table. SO THEY DIDN'T NEED MY TABLE AFTER ALL! I felt even more irritated by this sign. I felt irritated that I hadn't listened to my gut earlier in the night, when I convinced myself that I shouldn't let them down by not coming. But I had also been wondering if my hesitation had to do with last month's experience, when I was the one bringing funky energy into the circle. So I decided I should give it another try. After all, what if now that I was clear of that "entity" and feeling good, what if I'd feel good in the circle, at this house, with these women, giving and receiving, exchanging energy? What if.....

But no, I wouldn't feel good. I'd spend half an hour chatting, sitting there on the couch trying to figure out if I should stay or go, if it was me or them or neither. A couple things were said my a couple of the women that I also took as signs, and when I noticed that my heart was pounding, I realized I was basically in fight or flight mode. AT A REIKI CIRCLE!?!?!? Something was very wrong with this picture. So eventually, I realized I better speak up, get up, and go. So I did. And oh my god, it was both scary and liberating! It was awesome.

I explained that something just didn't feel right to me, and that for years I've been working on listening to my gut, so tonight I needed to listen to it, which meant leaving, and no need to take it personally. The hostess didn't want me to go, which made me feel even better about my decision to leave. And as soon as I stepped out the front door and got in my car, my heart rate slowed back down, and my insides relaxed. The fog lifted. I felt light and energized. A sigh of relief. A smile. Some laughter driving home. I felt strong and clear, which was what the Brennan Sciences woman and I worked on yesterday.

So tonight was huge for me; it was not only about listening to my gut, but also about speaking up. And not staying in a situation that feels wrong out of fear of disrupting something or offending someone. It didn't even matter WHY I felt how I felt at the Reiki circle; what mattered was that I felt it and honored it.

Had I listned to my gut 13 years ago, I wouldn't have gotten in that car; I wouldn't have been in that accident; I wouldn't have had 2/3 of my gut removed. Geez, how much clearer of a message could I get than that? Use it or loose it. You'd think I would have learned to listen to my gut after that, but no, not always. But perhaps tonight was a turning point. More listening. More trust.

why i'm running late

Sometimes I have to hear myself say something, or write something, to know it's true.
Sometimes I have to hear myself say something, or write something, to know it's not true.

But what is truth anyway?

Sometimes I speak and write from my heart.
Sometimes I speak and write out of my ass.

Sometimes words come out, sometimes decisions made, that hurt me or hurt others. And sometimes I rush into an attempt to undo or explain it away, rather than just stepping back and letting go.

Sometimes I can't tell what's mine versus what's others. Sometimes I'm easily influenced. Easily contaminated by other people's emotional poison. And it's not their fault. It's mine.

The other day I heard myself saying that I had bought a ticket home from Austin on March 4. What I heard in my voice was that this was not right for me. It sounded and felt heavy, sad, and doubtful. It was drastically different from the excitement and light-heartedness I had felt when talking or writing about staying longer. My main reasons for buying my March 4th ticket were petty and stemming from some resentment and fear. Those emotions and reasons were mine, but they were being magnified by someone else's influence. So rather than just sitting with them, and trusting my gut, I acted out. And it took that bad dream about remarrying my ex, and that conversation about my trip, to help me realize it, to help me sort of reclaim myself, my truth, my love.

And it's hard to feel love when in pain-- But that's a whole other blog entry!

Back to where I was going....

Yesterday my client said "Decisions are hard. It's ok to be influenced by others."

I said, "But what about when the influence is bad."

And as soon as those words left my lips, I thought, is anything really "bad?" and who am i to judge?

My client said, "That's ok too. You just move through it."

But I've been feeling ungrounded, too easily swayed, too easily triggered, lacking clarity. And that's why I say it's my fault for letting someone else influence me in a "bad" way.

But there I go judging again. My worst inner demon! The Judge.....
This morning I even judged myself for being judgmental, and here I just went and did it again!
Geez......

Blame it on Mercury

When I lived in Sedona, I spent most of my time with a friend who was always blaming our bickering on Mercury Retrograde. I thought it was ridiculous. And it seemed too often to be true. How often does Mercury go retrograde? A few times a year?

Although I find a lot of Astrology interesting and useful, I never bought into the whole Mercury retrograde thing. But now I do.

So I'm blaming my clumsiness, forgetfulness, and my mini-dramas of last week and weekend on Mercury.

Not really.

Or at least not fully.

Just because the planets influence us doesn't absolve us from taking personal responsibility. Or does it?

Does it go against nature to resist the havoc wreaked by the planets? Is it even possible to resist? And is it silly to deny that Mercury has anything to do with it?

Is being affected by Mercury retrograde just part of being human?

Saturn return excuses and blame never bothered me, but it always bothered me when my friend would use Mercury as an excuse, as if neither of us had any control over our behavior, our emotions, our reactions, our words. Aha! I think I see what the real problem was: control. I didn't like the thought of being out of control. Couldn't let go. Couldn't surrender to the universe. I also couldn't see, back then, that Mercury may have been messing with my sense of reality and with my ability to function and communicate with myself and others as a way of providing me with opportunities to learn and grow.

So maybe it's time to give Mercury some credit, rather than blame.....

A Bad Dream

I woke up at 4 a.m. but made the mistake of going back to sleep.

I take that back-- I did not make a mistake. I banned the word "mistake" from my reality last year (but apparently it just sneaked back in)!

What happened this morning was that I felt wonderful at 4 a.m. and thought about starting my day a little early, but instead I went back to sleep, had an awful dream, and woke up feeling groggy and anxious.

I dreamed that my ex-husband and I were getting remarried! And that the day of the wedding I realized it was a huge mistake! (there's that word again!) I had cold feet, but it wasn't just nerves. I was realizing that I had been in a daze, not myself, acting out of fear of being alone, and running away from my love for someone else. So I called my friend to confess all this, and she convinced me to go ahead with the wedding and then get another divorce! WHAT?!?! But then I tried calling my ex/groom, wondering if maybe he was having cold feet too, and I couldn't reach him. I reached his voicemail and couldn't stand the sound of his voice. I couldn't stand the thought of kissing him even just for show at the wedding. But I couldn't stop thinking about all the people who were going to be there, the same people who had been at the first wedding, and I couldn't bare the thought of them all showing up and then calling off the wedding, and I felt so stupid! Oh, it was awful. What a drama!

I should have been relieved to wake up from this nightmare, and I was somewhat, but mostly I just felt disturbed. And my head still hurts! WAH!!!!!

Dude, where's my car?!?!?

Or more importantly, where is my mind?

First of all, I rarely drink, but every once in awhile I drink a little too much when I do drink. Last night was one of those nights. Nothing dangerous. Just unnecessary excess.

Last night was the Oldominion 10 year reunion, part II! I'm not so into late nights out at loud places anymore, but my friend's brother is in this group, and I've known some of these guys for that whole 10 years, or longer. Plus, 10 year reunions only happen once, or twice in their case; the first one was in Portland in the summer; the second one in Seattle.

So I planned to spend the night with my friend at her dad's house, not far from Neumo's on capitol hill. Her dad wasn't home that night, and so I parked in his parking space instead of out on the street. This is around 9 pm.

Six hours later, a taxi is dropping me off at my friend's. She is not with me. I imagine she is in bed, asleep. And I don't have my cell phone. I have no way to reach her to get her to let me in. So I walk around back to get my phone out of my car.

My car is not there.

It's 3 in the morning. 

Where is my car?

It feels like that moment in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, when he discovers that his bike is missing.

And I think my car's been stolen or towed. 

And how am I going to get inside without a phone? 

I am upset and don't know what to do other than to ring the buzzer, which is equivalent to calling my friend's dad! So I do it, waking him up, and he buzzes me in remotely.

"My car's been stolen or towed! Or am I blind?" 

My friend looks out the window. I'm not blind. My car's not there. 

And just as she's going to get her phone to call the police (there's no reason why it would have been towed), suddenly she remembers what we both had forgotten.

My car was several blocks away, parked outside of another friend's apartment.

I start wondering if forgetting this has anything to do with bumping my head. Probably not, but I wonder.

And this morning, when we walked to my car, it was there. But my friend's car was not. It had been towed!

The moral of the story: I don't know; I think I killed some brain cells last night. But the moral of the story is probably something along the lines of "when it's almost midnight and you feel you have 2 choices: leave or drink more-- just leave." 

And the questions I'm left with are these:

Why is alcohol such a common part of celebrations? Why celebrate by poisoning ourselves? 

At some point last night I convinced myself the whole thing was an experiment for me. Would I enjoy the show? Would I enjoy the music? The energy of the people surrounding me? Would I drink a little? Would I drink a lot? Why? And how would it make me feel?

I think it's time I stop experimenting on myself. The past couple of years were full of nutrition experiments, detox and cleansing experiments. I guess last night was a retox experiment. One that won't be repeated.