this ego trip is over

As soon as I posted that last entry, my phone rang. A request for taxi service. How could I say no? It was a request from my friend whose car I was borrowing. So that part of me that didn't want to go anywhere did not get what it wanted. Still it tried. I picked up my friend and had the option of going to a qigong class. On the way there, I said I didn't want to go, that I need to remain in the space I'm in, which was a space of emotional turmoil. I was asked if I was enjoying the space I was in. No, I was not enjoying it. But thought maybe I need to stay in it. So my friend gave me a hug goodbye, drove away, and I went back to my hotel room to sulk.

As soon as I walked in the door, I heard that question, "are you enjoying it?" And then I heard another friend's voice in my head, and master li's voice in my head. They were both saying, "enjoy your life!" The thought of staying in my hotel room alone was no longer so appealing. I still wasn't crazy about being in a room full of people, but I decided to give it a shot. So I walked and ran down the street and made it to class in time.

During the practice I came to some realizations about what I've been going through lately. Most importantly was my identification of my ego's involvement in what I've been experiencing and how I've been behaving. I realized that the heartache I felt last night and some of today was not really heart ache, but ego ache. My heart simply loves. It doesn't need anything in return: "the giving of oneself with no conditions....." And with this realization, relief. No more ache. A lightness. An openess returned that was temporarily closed.

And during the break, I asked my friend about how to differentiate between being guided by emotions and being guided by the heart. He and another classmate both said that the emotions are more in your head. There's a thought process involved. A story. An ulterior motive. That ego again! The heart, on the other hand, just feels, does what is right, no story or outcome-related reason; it's just what's right.

Sometimes ego takes over. I think mine went into over-drive last night. But now it's settled down. Now that I've identified it, my heart is opening again, love is returning. No more confusion. No more worries. In class, Master Li asked what's the definition of true happiness. According to him, it's no worries. I'm glad I went to class. I'm still aware of anger and sadness releasing from my body, related to car accident stuff and the cst session from today. But going to class not only helped my heart, it also showed me that doing something enjoyable and uplifting doesn't dishonor my negative emotions; it helps them move, helps create balance and harmony.