why i'm running late

Sometimes I have to hear myself say something, or write something, to know it's true.
Sometimes I have to hear myself say something, or write something, to know it's not true.

But what is truth anyway?

Sometimes I speak and write from my heart.
Sometimes I speak and write out of my ass.

Sometimes words come out, sometimes decisions made, that hurt me or hurt others. And sometimes I rush into an attempt to undo or explain it away, rather than just stepping back and letting go.

Sometimes I can't tell what's mine versus what's others. Sometimes I'm easily influenced. Easily contaminated by other people's emotional poison. And it's not their fault. It's mine.

The other day I heard myself saying that I had bought a ticket home from Austin on March 4. What I heard in my voice was that this was not right for me. It sounded and felt heavy, sad, and doubtful. It was drastically different from the excitement and light-heartedness I had felt when talking or writing about staying longer. My main reasons for buying my March 4th ticket were petty and stemming from some resentment and fear. Those emotions and reasons were mine, but they were being magnified by someone else's influence. So rather than just sitting with them, and trusting my gut, I acted out. And it took that bad dream about remarrying my ex, and that conversation about my trip, to help me realize it, to help me sort of reclaim myself, my truth, my love.

And it's hard to feel love when in pain-- But that's a whole other blog entry!

Back to where I was going....

Yesterday my client said "Decisions are hard. It's ok to be influenced by others."

I said, "But what about when the influence is bad."

And as soon as those words left my lips, I thought, is anything really "bad?" and who am i to judge?

My client said, "That's ok too. You just move through it."

But I've been feeling ungrounded, too easily swayed, too easily triggered, lacking clarity. And that's why I say it's my fault for letting someone else influence me in a "bad" way.

But there I go judging again. My worst inner demon! The Judge.....
This morning I even judged myself for being judgmental, and here I just went and did it again!
Geez......