waking up in austin

a couple of nights ago some anger got stirred up in me during a bodywork/energywork session. anger is something i'm not very in touch with, hence my discomfort now that it's coming to the surface. and the following day, the day before coming to austin, i cried several different times all for seemingly different reasons. the biggest cry was on my drive down to seattle; i thought i might have to pull over. lots coming up about my car accident, the week before its anniversary. my 13th neardeath day.

and the next day, yesterday, i left for austin. went to a qigong class. still felt angry. i went to sleep and woke up this morning in austin feeling uncomfortable. uncomfortable with my "negative" emotions, anger and others. frustrated with myself for some of my feelings and wants, rather than just accepting that this is where i'm at.

sometimes i fear getting stuck in negative emotions, forgetting or not trusting the ebb and the flow. that fear just adds to the heaviness and darkness. so sometimes i don't sit with those feelings, at least not for long. instead i try to take action to come out of sadness or anger or anxiety or whatever. give myself an attitude adjustment. but that's not honoring where i'm at. other than that that's also part of where i'm at. if that makes sense.....

sometimes i feel confused about what's "healthy" in terms of feeling and expressing emotions. "negative" emotions are part of us, are natural, and perhaps the word "negative" just gives them a bad rep.

i'd like to embrace them all, invite them all in for tea, without getting taken over by and stuck with any one emotion. and sometimes i do. yesterday and earlier this morning, not so much. but now, right now in this moment i feel grounded and open, aware of the full range of emotions, without being weighted down by any of them.

i think qigong helps. and for my overactive mind, hearing the messges of the meditations along with the movements does so much more for me than practicing the movements alone.

this morning i expericenced a pretty radical transformation, from the beginning to the end of practicing "awakening the soul."

i feel lighter. better able to breathe. excessive thoughts no longer spinning in my head. still aware of some anxiety and the feeling of a little stone below my xyphoid process, but it's not upsetting me as it was earlier. i'm accepting it. observing it.

feeling more strength. landing. getting grounded. feeling open again and ready for anything. not in a manic way, as sometimes it is. more neutral.

perhaps all this craniosacral stuff is sinking in again: be present, grounded, neutral. how fast, how soon, i forget! but perhaps that's part of the ebb and the flow too....