listening to my gut

I am so proud of myself! I just left a Reiki circle.

Last month I went to a Reiki circle for the first time with a few other women I didn't know. This was the day after my basement flooded; I was a wreck. And apparently I had some sort of "entity" attached to me, according to one of these women. Whether I believe in entities or not, I agreed that something was draining my energy, and I experienced a relief of that after she did something to clear me of it.

So a month passes, and we're set to meet again tonight. But yesterday I had an intense conversation and session with a Brennan Healing Sciences student (energyworker-in-training), and she expressed some concern over me seeking out too many things, receiving too many types of body or energywork, and without clear intention and without discrimination in terms of who I let touch me. She specificially said, "You've gotta be careful with who you let work with you, even with Reiki."

Hmmmmm.....

So today I was feeling like bailing out, like not going to the Reiki circle. My reasons included not being sure about the women (or even the location), and also feeling oversaturated-- enough giving and receiving for one week; I certainly did not feel any need for a Reiki circle regardless of the participants. I felt more of a need to stay home, to just be. BUT THEY WERE COUNTING ON ME FOR MY MASSAGE TABLE.

So I go.

I go, and as I'm driving down the street to the house, I notice the "Dead End" sign. This is the first sign. I felt there wasn't something quite right about the location. I think "No Outlet" would have bothered me too. But it got me wondering about the Feng Shui of a dead end. How does it affect the people who live on a dead end streeet? Doesn't sound good to me.

Next, I arrive at the house, take in my table, and immediately feel my stomach tighten; I didn't want to be there. More signs: the T.V. was on, and it was playing jazz. Two No-no's. Jazz is far too erratic and unpredictable for relaxation, for me anyway. Maybe it has something to do with childhood, growing up with a jazz musician brother and often feeling irritated when he'd be practicing.

But I set up my table anyway, feeling irritated. I say something about the t.v. and about the music. T.V. off, music changed, but I still feel uneasy.

And then two more ladies arrive, one of them wasn't there last time, and she brought a massage table. SO THEY DIDN'T NEED MY TABLE AFTER ALL! I felt even more irritated by this sign. I felt irritated that I hadn't listened to my gut earlier in the night, when I convinced myself that I shouldn't let them down by not coming. But I had also been wondering if my hesitation had to do with last month's experience, when I was the one bringing funky energy into the circle. So I decided I should give it another try. After all, what if now that I was clear of that "entity" and feeling good, what if I'd feel good in the circle, at this house, with these women, giving and receiving, exchanging energy? What if.....

But no, I wouldn't feel good. I'd spend half an hour chatting, sitting there on the couch trying to figure out if I should stay or go, if it was me or them or neither. A couple things were said my a couple of the women that I also took as signs, and when I noticed that my heart was pounding, I realized I was basically in fight or flight mode. AT A REIKI CIRCLE!?!?!? Something was very wrong with this picture. So eventually, I realized I better speak up, get up, and go. So I did. And oh my god, it was both scary and liberating! It was awesome.

I explained that something just didn't feel right to me, and that for years I've been working on listening to my gut, so tonight I needed to listen to it, which meant leaving, and no need to take it personally. The hostess didn't want me to go, which made me feel even better about my decision to leave. And as soon as I stepped out the front door and got in my car, my heart rate slowed back down, and my insides relaxed. The fog lifted. I felt light and energized. A sigh of relief. A smile. Some laughter driving home. I felt strong and clear, which was what the Brennan Sciences woman and I worked on yesterday.

So tonight was huge for me; it was not only about listening to my gut, but also about speaking up. And not staying in a situation that feels wrong out of fear of disrupting something or offending someone. It didn't even matter WHY I felt how I felt at the Reiki circle; what mattered was that I felt it and honored it.

Had I listned to my gut 13 years ago, I wouldn't have gotten in that car; I wouldn't have been in that accident; I wouldn't have had 2/3 of my gut removed. Geez, how much clearer of a message could I get than that? Use it or loose it. You'd think I would have learned to listen to my gut after that, but no, not always. But perhaps tonight was a turning point. More listening. More trust.